My daughter called me a child abuser

Post Reply New Topic

Are all parents abusive to thier children to some degree. My daughter has gone back but i remember when she was here I can be aggressive towards her and she can me. For instance, she will get really mad and punch me in the head. She said she is telling welfare that I hit her and I am a child abuser. I tell her that she is a mommy abuser because she is.

Another issue, is it normal for AS children to be shy about thier bodies? I was told that she won't even get changed in front of the other girls for swimming that she will get undressed in the toilets. When she was here. She got out of the bath, she had just a towel and because she seemed very self conscoius, I said "you have a beautiful body and she repiled "what are you a paedophile" I repiled "no, I was just saying you have a beautiful body' as to why she always has to hide and she repiles "I know."

I would just like to know other parents opinion on what is normal for AS children and as being an AS parent.

Well, the first thing I'd like to ask is how is your daughter? The second thing is...what do you mean she has gone "back"? I am guessing that she doesn't live with you? It wasn't entirely coherent.

Not all parents abuse their children. I don't hit or spank mine, and I don't verbally or emotionally abuse them either...ever.

Aspie children can be very sensitive. Perhaps it is a signal that your parenting style isn't appropriate to her needs. There are many parenting classes...and people who would be able to help you on how to parent your aspie child.

Aspies can be very sensitive about their bodies. I know that I always loathed being naked in front of anyone when I was younger, but that also applies to many normal children as well.

Much of this depends on how old she is.

belladonna, i think it all comes down to all how she was brought up, many differant parents use differant stratigies for discipline and punishment, in the past have you shown aggressiveness or anger (or been voilant or threatened harm to her) when she was younger when getting your point across??? that can be possible reason why she fell the way she felt about abusing you, she in her mind may think its ok to hit or slap people to get her point across to others, your parenting also has to do with how you were brought up and treated by your own parents. there are books and videos out there on positive parenting (including message boards) that involve violence/threat free parenting advice.



about the changing and aspie thing, THAT'S TOTALLY HOW I AM, in gym class or locker room i would wait for an empty toilet stall or shower stall and change IN PRIVACY.

i think reason stems from that the aspie body develops later then the NT body and she fears kids making fun of her looks that she cannot help. i still to this date (long after graduating high school in 2002 i still change in bathroom, i see it as a double duty, i mean you can do your business on toilet and change all in same visit.

there's no real cure for it accept if you trust her to allow to put a locking doorknob(such as used on offices or bathroom doors) on her bedroom door so she can change in privacy and you knock before entering or just allow her to change in bathroom but just have her ask if anyone has to use the bathroom first. but with teens you will just want to go with a knock policy since many teens (not saying who or all) do get into drugs or unwanted activity and take too much advantage of the lock on door.

hope this helps

I have done heaps of parenting courses. I know what to do. It is more so my temper. I am told by the psych that assessed her, that she is very bright and that she thinks we clash of both having our own problems. She tries to manipulate me when she can't get her own way. I can't stand it. We both go red in the face and look like we want to kill each other.

She is 11 but she has been body shy for many years. She is in foster care. I just sometimes wonder when I left her alone with other men which wasn't for long, if anything ever happened because there was this one guy that kept saying he was going to marry her.
When she was little you couldnt keep the clothes on her, ever. Now she is so shy. It is like a phobia. I did my best to keep her clothes on but she was laways playing in water and i would have to get her dressed in new clothes three to four times everyday cause as soon as her pants got wet they would come off. I remember I was outside talking to some guy in his car and this other was carrying her up from the street. She didnt have any pants on and he said "you are going to lose her" because she was about to cross a high way. It pissed me off because the last I saw her she was watching cartoons. I didnt know she didnt know where I was and would go to the shop looking for me. She said "mommy is at the shop." Then a other time my place was surronded by cops. I thought there was some one else there but no they did a runner and so the police found her walking the streets by herself, at night. They said that if it happens again they will tell child and family sevices but I thought my boyfriend was home. They made me pull up my top and searched my place for drugs. I guess a other time was bad. She was scavanging for food and I remember her eating something off the floor. I was going to stop her but then realised how hungry she was.

With having AS myself and leaving home at a young age. Life has been tough. The only thing that has kept me alive is my daughter and wanting to be a good mom. Since it's obvious I have failed at that. I feel so sad. I just want to die.

its possible then that the problem is from what happened with her and the guy that wants to marry her, that's sick, hes waaaayyyy too old to marry an 11 year old i think that pervert should not be taking care of kids in his home or even run a foster home.

its possible if she when she went in was being nudist that he may have said or done something to make her abruptly change

what made her go into foster care??? sometimes state agencies misinterpret things and dont understand that with ASD kids things happen at different stages, meaning the household nudist stage (cant keep clothes on her) may happen when shes about 4 or 5 and would stop a year or so later) is it possible maybe someone reported the incident and mistook it for being a child abuse/neglect case??

I am not a parent, I think I have watched too much TLC and discovery channel..... and pretty much understood the psychology of why things happen.

Yes I think she was just going through that stage where children like taking there clothes off. The most that pissed me off was when she was in kindergarten and some year 6 girls or was just one girl. Spat in her face and said she was going to kill her cause she wanted to go down the slide that they was sitting on. I know she got alot of anxiety after that.
That guy that said he wanted to marry her, she was just a baby. When she was a preschooler I left her alone with him. That's just what I feel or felt concerned about. A other trauma or what could be a trauma is she got a window smashed in her face when she was about 3 or 4. She was ok. So much I can't say. I use to cuddle her and just say 'mommy is here.' That use to calm her down straight away. As long as I was there she felt safe.

Look I don't know you obviously, but you said a key word here. You said you are aggressive towards her. That truly suggests you are abusive to her. Yeah I know my mom doesn't think she was a bad mom, nor wife nor abusive but my psychologist was absolutely horrified hearing what happened in my childhood. I didn't even realize I was neglected until she pointed it out because I had no idea just how caring parents were suppose to be.

It appears Aspergers runs in the family. Every family of an Aspie I have met has at least one parent that acts like they are on the spectrum. Both my parents are. So I suspect maybe you are an Aspie too and aren't good at knowing how to care for a child.

And the beautiful body comment would have creeped me out too! You should have said something like "I understand you don't like undressing in front of other people at school" and start a conversation and find out why. It may be that the other girls are commenting cruely about her body whether it her being overweight, not developing breasts yet, over developing breasts or being overly hairy. That's what girls comment on in the locker room. They may also tease her about being lesbian as they always do that if you don't have many friends. I got teased for being hairy because like so many AS people I had super high testosterone. So being the butt of jokes makes one not want to change in front of others. Also its kinda perverted to be naked in front of strangers anyway.

Much of what she is doing is normal pre-teen behavior. You are going to see the whole mom/daughter teenage dynamic in 10 fold just because of the history between the two of you. You cannot allow it to get to you. It's part of how a daughter becomes independent; a necessary part of establishing who they are separate from the parent. Yes, there could be more going on, but that can't be figured out on a message board. You are already engaged with professionals; allow them to hear your concerns.

I have both a son and a daughter and the moment my daughter was born there was a different dynamic. We push and we pull at each other, and it gets very intense. Totally, totally different from the ease with which my son and I interact. I guess with girls there is more at stake; I don't know. I DO know the dynamic is there, and she isn't a preteen yet. She needs me intensely and yet wants to separate from me just as intensely. Navigating that is well, interesting.

From all you have posted here, allow me to say this: your number 1 priority should be you. You have never allowed yourself to heal, to become a full and healthy you. Until you do, you won't be able to give your daughter what she needs most from you. Which is a role model, someone to set an example, to show her where she is headed. Drop the drugs, drop the worry about being mom (you took that on way to young, before you had half a chance to grow into yourself), and find out who you are, who you were MEANT to be. That's my sales pitch to you, what I want for you. Everything else will fall into place once you've truly and finally taken care of yourself in the way you need to.