ALTERNATIVES TO SELF-DEFEATING BELIEFS

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A number of the beliefs we commonly accept from our parents, society, and the media keep us from functioning effectively. They are often associated with discouragement, depression, anxiety and the desire to control other people.

Here are some of the self-defeating beliefs, along with constuctive alternatives:

1. Self-defeating belief: It is necessary to be approved of by everyone in the community.

Alternative: I will do that which makes me more liberated and self-confident and makes my children more responsible.

2. Self defeating belief: I must be thoroughly competent in all aspects of child training if I am considered personlly worthwhile.

Alternative: I do not get my feeling of worth from my children's behaviour. I am more interested in improving my relationships than I am in perfection.

3. Self-defeating belief: It is catastrophic and totally unacceptable when things do not turn out the way that we think they should.

Alternative: It is annoying and unfortunate when things do not turn out the way I'd like. I'll try to change the things I can control and accept the things I have no control over.

4. Self-defeating belief: Disobedience is a personal challenge to my status as a parent.

Alternative: It is annoying not to be obeyed. I will try to find ways to improve the relationship so that my child will want to co-operate.

5. Self-defeating belief: The child's background determines his or her present behaviour (plus ASD, I'll add). There is little I can do to change that fact.

Alternative: the child's behaviour has a purpose, and so I can influence it best by understanding the purpose and changing my reactions.

6. Self-defeating belief: I can succeed with my children if my partner uses the same approach.

Alternative: How my partner behaves is his or her own problem. I will be responible for my own behaviour.

I feel the same way. Recently I have thought long and very hard about what "caused" the AS in my DD and I realize that she came into this world hardwired and like this, hypersensitive, different, and difficult really. At age one she was dreadfully aware of her surroundings. Scared of certain sights like balls, a cow!, the color black, windshield wipers. She would have an outright three hour tantrum, crying fit over any of these things. Right now looking back, she is now almost 11 years-old, I see that I have done everything right. I have done everything possible to make her well adjusted, know that she is loved, love myself and my family, and make a positive environment for her and my family. There is just so much a parent can do for their child and the rest is up to God or nature/karma, whatever you chose to call it. I think the important thing is to not lose yourself in the process and laugh, enjoy life, live your life and your child will follow. I have gone through phases where I solely focus on her and her happiness and it just doesn't make sense to accomodate everyone else's needs constantly. We all have to be happy and adjust, nothing is perfect, things won't go as planned. Enjoy the chaos!! I liked your post and I agree. Don't throw out yourself as you try and save your child. HE/She will do most well when we save ourselves in the process as well. At the very least I feel my DD knows now that me and her father will be with her for as long as we live. She doesn't have to worry about ever having a family or someone to come home to. I will give her the wings to fly when she is ready but if she choses to stay I will welcome that too. I love her and I am not perfect but we will get by with what we have. Unconditional love is enough to make a difference. Cheers and God bless. Lucy

To BellaDonna & LucyMac:
Thanks sooo much for your posts. I am now reading a book called "100 Ways to Built Self-Esteem and Teach Values" by Diana Loomans. Great Book!! Very much like your posts

BellaDonna, I like your take on the self-defeating beliefs. Here are some counterarguments you can use when someone tries to get you to accept those beliefs. Like you said, they don't do much more other than lower a person's self-esteem, even when done with good intentions. The responses may sound selfish, but they're designed to convince people.

Here are those self-defeating beliefs, along with counterarguments

1. Self-defeating belief: You must be approved of by everyone in the community.
Counterargument: What has "the community" (do air quotes with fingers) done for me, that I have to spend so much time kissing its butt?

2. Self defeating belief: You must be thoroughly competent in all aspects of child training if to be considered personally worthwhile.
Counterargument:If I spend a lot of time teaching my children to act like perfect angels and not establish a good relationship with them, I'll lose them as soon as they graduate high school.

3. Self-defeating belief: It is catastrophic and totally unacceptable when things do not turn out the way that we think they should.
Counterargument: I can only take responsibility for what I can control. If I can't control it and can't find an alternative, I'll just have to put up with it.

4. Self-defeating belief: Disobedience is a personal challenge to your status as a parent.
Counterargument: Is it really willful disobedience? I'm a parent, not a mind-reader. It's much better to ask the child straight-out why he/she didn't comply with what I asked.

5. Self-defeating belief: The child's background determines his or her present behavior (plus ASD). There is little you can do to change that fact.
Counterargument: The child's behavior comes from free will. But free will can be channeled into a way that everyone can feel comfortable with. It's my job as a parent to do it.

6. Self-defeating belief: You can succeed with your children if your partner uses the same approach.
Counterargument: There's nothing wrong with a child relating differently to each person in his/her life. The one area where consistency is important is discipline.

That is fantastic. Thank you BellaDonna and Aspie1 for your counter arguments.

I'm currently reading a book called "Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids" by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson. It has been a fantastic because it is looking at parenting in a whole new way from me. I like the ideas in the book and the approach to parenting that is so different to how I was brought up - I knew I wanted to raise my children differently I just wasn't sure how, this book has given me some direction.

One self-defeating belief the media pushes on us is that you cannot be a full, "normal," worthwhile human being if you live with your parents past age 18. In their view, it is better to be "normal," and live alone, completely screwing up your life, in which case you bounce back to your parents as a failure, than to live as independently as possible within your own environment, to grow where you're planted. The media paints pictures of people like me as a "failure."

You can't beleive what they say in the media; is the truth because if it's not BS, they grossly exaggerate. They don't represent much of the truth or reality as what it really is. I base my beliefs on my own life and what Ive' learnt.

I have done several 'effective parenting skills courses. The same one over and over again cause I found that some didn't make sense and wanted to understand. When I did understand I argued with who was running the program. What they was saying and trying to advise me on with just didn't fit with my daughter and I or our situation. They really pissed me off not agreeing with me or disagreeing 'cause they don't personally know her or I. The court and child protection send alot of people to do P.E.T
I did most of the training on my own free will, however.

You just take on the advice what works for you and your child and 'No not every one is right even if they are a child psychologist. I learnt alot of useful skills and really pleased I did as many parenting effectiveness programs as I've done.

I have to admitt I have been troubling confused as a parent because You are taught these new approaches to relationships, communication and parenting and it is completely different to the way you was brought up. It really conflicts in so many ways and No one supports you on them because mostly every-one else just tells you to smack their ass.

The best advice I give to myself as a parent. Is that you have to trust yourself. You have to be firm and consistent and a child needs more encouragment than they do critism. If they have more negativity they are not likely to behave or be very happy. If they have a balance of encouragment versus consequential type discipline - that is good and important. True I know it is much easier said than done.

Thankyou for your responses to this thread. I feel really enlightened of how caring and positive attitude the parents have been in this forum. I appreciate that 'cause it is not easy to be a parent and is especially more challenging if they have an ASD and at times heart-breaking - I have felt this. My daughter has many times completely emotionally broken down, not just meltdowns I don't think because she has become in a state of suicidal ideation and that was when she was only a little girl. Plus stages of bullying and rejection from peers. Her not understanding why no-one didn't like her and why she was always the odd one out, - I think in grade two or at age 7 she felt most devastated of expressing that. Other times I couldnt' stop her crying and she would go into a rage sometimes her body would collapse out of exhaustation, in the street or else where. I find seeing your child being that distraught and upset - heart-breaking. Like they think it is the end of the world or life isn't worth living anymore.

My daughter does not want to be in foster care. 'She doesn't like the carer and she wants to live with me,' she said. This year I am going to make sure she is able to live here with me and permanently.
I think i will have to move to near a school that she is willing to go to and it is not easy move houses but if I have to I will become a hooker or whatever it is I have to be so I can afford to live where ever it is we need to be. I am against that being a prostitute because in alot of circumstances women don't need to be one. However, i am not having her growing up unhappy and feeling rejection in foster homes. Simply they do not understand her like I do. They don't know how to relate to her and they use to control and put-downs too much. I don't like it. She isn't going to be staying with them much longer.