My rant-re other peoples opinions and judgements

Post Reply New Topic

I just want to start by saying this is a rant for those of you that dont want to read any further.
I had a call last night from a very distressed friend. She was upset about a comment another mutual friend had made to her about her, so she called me for some cheering up. She did apologise for off loading on me, I said no worries thats what friends are there for.
During the course of the cheering up my son J (AS) was mentioned. I told her that after a 3-4 year wait J's name had finally come up for some free OT sessions at one of the local public hospitals. She apologised to me for not understanding or believing me when J was first diagnosed with AS approx 13 months ago, she said she thought he did his odd things and acted the way he did because he was just spoilt being the youngest child. She said she believed me now even though she hadn't seen any of the more recent behaviours. She lives on the other side of Australia. (At this stage I was a little annoyed, but kept it to myself) My friend then went on to ask if I had told the therapist how much time J spends on his pc and his video games because he apparently spends to much time on them and should be out socializing "What the!! !! !! I explained to her that he is in social skills therapy, and he uses the pc and his games to calm down. She said yeah but what does the doctor say about it. "Well ALL his doctors and therapist that have ever delt with him have told me to give him free acess to the pc and his games because he needs them. Her comment was well thats just "dumb !". At this stage it was very hard to keep cool, but I did. However, I did say to her I find it really frustrating explaining J and his dx to anyone who hasnt lived it and been in contact with J every day and night for the last 10 years. In all honesty I dont expect her to understand but I do expect her NOT to think I am lying about stuff, and that is what must be going threw her head when I say some things. I think what has made J's situation that much harder for him and for me is that he wants to be social, he is in your face he talks ALOT, however its not appropriate for his age. Kids on the spectrum are typically portrayed as not wanting to be social, J wants friends to play with, but he doesnt understand that he actually expects them to want to be his play things- listen with intrest to his monologs, act out his games by his rules etc. He will do some things other peoples ways if it fits in with what he likes. I get so angry, i have had people comment on my parenting I have had people go from one extreme to another, after they have commented on my parenting and relised that hey maybe she has tried different things then they have made back handed comments or treated J like he is ret*d. This disorder can be very isolating not only for the child but for the whole family. Any ways if you've made it this far, thanks for listening Thats my rant. I just needed to get it off my chest.

My mother used to say my son was acting up and flapping because he had had sugar or been on the computer. Its strange people make so much fuss about computers and computer games considering most people sit around watching tv which is totally subjective.
At least games help hand eye coordination and you have to use your brain more than if you where watching tv.

I think my mother would be able to relate to this. We all have a cousin, my dad's cousin, who is very judgmental and she passes a judgement about people and doesn't want to listen when you try to correct her false assumptions. She just cuts you off saying she doesn't want to hear your hearsay. She thinks my parents failed raising me as a child as if she thinks AS is caused by bad parenting. I would love for her to end up with an AS child to see what it's like. She would probably end up putting it up for an adoption I heard she took in a foster child and she couldn't handle it so she took him back. She failed.


So what made your friend decide to believe you about your child's condition?

I think people want to believe that there are tried and true formulas for parenting and that everything can be improved by followig them. To think that it really can be subjective, and unique to the individual child, in the way we have to parent ... well, that is a lot more frightening because it is one heck of a lot more work.

People in general do so much role playing inside their own heads, thinking that they can come up with a better answer. I remember being single and playing with my friend's child while all the other adults were stirring him up and confusing him ... I got him calmed down. Oh, I thought I had ALL the answers, lol. It's self-comforting, I guess. And, well, I did know that I had had a lot of succes with that one child in that one moment.

But what I didn't know was that it really was one child in one moment. Sure, it was a useful lesson, and I learned something important, but I didn't learn anything the other adults didn't know. I was just the only one vested enough in the child at that one moment to give him what he needed.

And there is the friend of mine who used to work as a nanny. A very, very good one at that. She had all the answers, of course she did. Until, um, she had her own children. Everything is different when it's 24/7.

And that thought is so darn frightening that we continue to find excuses not to believe in it.

Your friend probably felt she was trying to help. She can't, of course. You said all the right things. I'm proud of you.

I think people want to believe that there are tried and true formulas for parenting and that everything can be improved by followig them. To think that it really can be subjective, and unique to the individual child, in the way we have to parent ... well, that is a lot more frightening because it is one heck of a lot more work.

People in general do so much role playing inside their own heads, thinking that they can come up with a better answer. I remember being single and playing with my friend's child while all the other adults were stirring him up and confusing him ... I got him calmed down. Oh, I thought I had ALL the answers, lol. It's self-comforting, I guess. And, well, I did know that I had had a lot of succes with that one child in that one moment.

But what I didn't know was that it really was one child in one moment. Sure, it was a useful lesson, and I learned something important, but I didn't learn anything the other adults didn't know. I was just the only one vested enough in the child at that one moment to give him what he needed.

And there is the friend of mine who used to work as a nanny. A very, very good one at that. She had all the answers, of course she did. Until, um, she had her own children. Everything is different when it's 24/7.

And that thought is so darn frightening that we continue to find excuses not to believe in it.

Your friend probably felt she was trying to help. She can't, of course. You said all the right things. I'm proud of you.

So many are always quick to offer advice on what you "should" be doing for your child and what they think is "best" for them.

Why is it that usually the ones with the most advice are the ones that know or understand your child the least?

What most fail to realize is that every kid, every person is different...what works for one, could spell chaos for another. It's a shame each one doesn't come with their own owner's manual, but they don't.

In these conversations I take the tips that I feel might be helpful and file them away for future reference and consideration...and I try to "zone out" and ignore the rest. Somedays that's easier said than done.

Here's the scoop:

When NORMAL (NT) people sit infront of the computer, or video games, then yes, it can easily be responsible for those kinds of behavior. Overstimulation is the issue.

When ASPIES/AUTIES sit in front of the computer, or video games, its the opposite.

I just wanted to say "Thanks guys and girls".
I don't spend as much time here as I used to, but its nice/comforting to know at the click of a few buttons there are people out there that get "it".

I have just looked up subjective in the dictionary i had the meening wrong i though subjective was to sit back taking in all kinds with out thought or thinking for yourself like subjecting yourself to something.
Now i know its about personal things and feeling.

it's so hard to listen to people spout off about what you could do better as a parent- how you could make your child behave if you were just consistent enough, or stern enough, or punished them more....some people will just never get it.

I actually have a friend living in my basement who still doesn't understand my son and passes judgement all of the time. She makes little comments like "he gets away with murder", " he needs discipline", "make him eat the chicken" "you need to consult the professionals and stop talking to aspies", (like a professional can tell me better what it's like than someone who actually HAS autism) etc etc. She actually intentionally got his shirt wet one night, and then called him a cry baby because he was upset. It really irritates me that parents judge my parenting, but when it's in your own house it's really frustrating. My son is a really good kid, and could be a whole lot worse, but I'm not going to spank him or use negative punishment because it doesn't work and it's not fair to him. So positive reinforcement takes longer, so be it. I'm patient and he's really happy because of it. Parents of kids on the spectrum say I'm a good mother. That's who you need to talk to. It helps counter the attacks that come from people who don't understand. In their defense however, you don't really understand until you have a child with special needs, autism or something else.

Be strong, and keep doing what you're doing!