Innapropriate staring and borderline stalking

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It is very difficult to break an obsession with a person. You might want to try explaining to him (in writing maybe if he clams up when you try to talk) that part of Asperger's is fixations/ obsessions and that sometimes this obsessive thinking can end up focused on another person. But it is still "just" an obsession no different than an obsession with trains or history. Can he understand that there is a difference between obsession and love, and just because he is obsessed does not mean he's in love, and in fact, if he were in love, he would immediately stop his behavior as it is disturbing and inappropriate. Just because he feels the obsession doesn't mean he has to act on it; he should specifically not be acting on it for his own sake and the sake of those around him. I'm sure you know this but you need to be on top of this behavior because as he gets older, he could find himself in serious legal trouble if he acts like this as an adult.

Thanks to everybody that has given suggestions and their experiences on this. My son believes he really loves this girl, but can't explain why. It is just "I don't know", etc. I've tried to explain that he is just 11, and there is really no reason at this age to be so obsessed with a girl. The only thing that has really worked so far is to hold him out of recess. That is when he tends to get himself in trouble. The teacher has sat him at different corners of the room so that they don't get too close.

We are trying to get something worked out with his school counsellor, his teachers, and some outside help, either a psychologist or social worker.

We are going to try everything possible and see what works. I'll let everyone know how all this turns out.

I've gotten a few good suggestions in this forum, and it has been a pleasure to read all the comments.

Thanks.

At this point, because your son is only 11, I don't "think?" you have anything to worry about. The girl is upset because she isn't attacted to him in a crushy sort of way. If she were, it would be no problem. Most likely (just my opinion...a nobody), her appearance makes him feel ethereal and relieves his anxiety about being around people all together. He doesn't realize it, but he's actually using her. It's not the girl but the "Feeling" she is inducing in him. In love with love itself. A lot of aspies chase mates who induce "the feeling". Addiction to the endorphin that the feeling of love generates. People who obsess get a double dose of that endorphin biologically. He's gettin' high on her.
As he gets older, he might fall into "love addiction" not necessarily "sex addiction". Unfortunately, support groups exist which pair the two which is a HUGH mistake!! There is a BIG difference between the two. NEVER put him into such a support group like this. Some very dangerous sex addicts attend these...some are on parole and probation for more horrible things than just following someone around.
The good news is that she is his peer, not an adult, not another boy (not that there is anything wrong with that...but who the heck is ready for that from an 11 year old, you'll have to understand a whole new world which compunds everything...a whole different lifestyle)
He just needs to be taught "NOW" which is appropriate and what is not. The "last thing" people should do is to make him feel weird about it. We aspies/autistics feel the same desires everyone else does but we always go about it in the wrong way. Your child now has to learn how to conduct himself properly as an adolescent. He has to learn about his body and his emotions as well. Let me suggest an author. She has written many interesting books! You'll love them all...for boys, girls and parents! Her name is Lynda Madaras. She has written books to be read by adolescents as well as adults. She writes about changing bodies and feelings. If your son were neurotypical and surrounded by a large group all the time, he wouldn't be seen as a stalker at all. It's probably because he's alone all the time. Direct him the right direction NOW so he doesn't get into trouble much later. Get him involved "platonically" with his female peers so they are not such a big mystery and fascination to him. Sign him up for ballet if you have to. It's no disgrace! Remember to teach him how to be a gentleman and remind him that he must always be a gentleman. Those other people have to give him a break already!
They picking on him because of his label of being neuro-atypical. Remember, if he were popular and this girl liked him, they wouldn't be making such a big deal over it. Love and guide your son. (as you probably do). Hope that I helped you. I really tried. Madaras's books will help you both. Good luck and God bless!! P.S. another thing: This girl might posses something that your son feels is missing in himself. Try to find out what it may be "if" this is the cause. To me, it's a crush but it's "aspie style". We obsess on the things that give us joy because not many things do. If he finds friends that he can "truly" connect with, he won't have a need to "medicate" himself with this girl who rejects him. Believe me, if he weren't seen as an outsider, this would NOT be "problem" to the girl and her family. They'd roll out the red carpet for him. He'd be her "boyfriend".

Last edited by RightGalaxy on 17 Jan 2009, 8:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Everyone on this thread is amazing. Thanks RightGalaxy for that response. I will look up those books and take your thoughts into consideration.

One of the main things that my son has had to deal with it the other children in his classroom. They are unmerciless in their trying to keep my son fixated on this girl. None of them are helping at all, in fact, many are delighting in helping him stay in trouble. It is like a game to them.

Yup, right now I'm living in a world of an impulsive 8-year-old inside the body of a 14-year-old.

Fortunately he goes to a school specialized in higher needs kids, so they have their staff and processes already in place to mitigate this very kind of thing. Nobody is alone in a group (and alone can happen in line of sight), definitely never a boy with a girl, and they are very practiced in diverting [for whatever reason, including this] so you don't get a huge blowup.

DadX4, sounds like the school is working on figuring out the resources and methods to protect your son and this girl until he works this out in himself. That's good news.

DadX4, I hope you don't mind one more post on this topic. We experienced this type of behavior with our son, also a pre-teen, when he was in elementary school. Some of the behavior was quite normal (as noted by others), but some went over the line with signs of increasing. Social circumstances were different but the obsessive, locked-in behavior was similar. We had success in 3 ways: Our son is very rule-driven so we focused on the specific social rules, got a daily report card (green/yellow/red) from the teacher, and used rewards and consequences. He could tell from our voices that we took this very seriously. Second, we tried to minimize the opportunities for the inappropriate behavior (for example, requested a more organized, structured teacher who kept the kids quite busy, separated, etc). Lastly (and this is ongoing), we have practiced having normal social conversations (eye contact, smiling in recognition, finding a shared commonality) and "breaking" persistent thinking (ex. being able to pause the video game when the doorbell rings). I apologize if some of this sounds like obvious parenting. It wasn't to us, as we were not very rule-driven when he was young. Things are all-around better now, he "gets" what is ok/not ok, and seems to be able to exercise more self control. Hope that helps.

DadX4, I hope you don't mind one more post on this topic. We experienced this type of behavior with our son, also a pre-teen, when he was in elementary school. Some of the behavior was quite normal (as noted by others), but some went over the line with signs of increasing. Social circumstances were different but the obsessive, locked-in behavior was similar. We had success in 3 ways: Our son is very rule-driven so we focused on the specific social rules, got a daily report card (green/yellow/red) from the teacher, and used rewards and consequences. He could tell from our voices that we took this very seriously. Second, we tried to minimize the opportunities for the inappropriate behavior (for example, requested a more organized, structured teacher who kept the kids quite busy, separated, etc). Lastly (and this is ongoing), we have practiced having normal social conversations (eye contact, smiling in recognition, finding a shared commonality) and "breaking" persistent thinking (ex. being able to pause the video game when the doorbell rings). I apologize if some of this sounds like obvious parenting. It wasn't to us, as we were not very rule-driven when he was young. Things are all-around better now, he "gets" what is ok/not ok, and seems to be able to exercise more self control. Good luck!

one other quick p.s. we also went to the teacher and asked that she assertively reign in kids who were contributing to my son's situation (I think I talked to the Principal as well). This was for their (the other kids) own well-being.

Im sooo glad you told me this about the other students egging him on. That's why this crush has been "on and off" for all this time. Your son might think he has to do this to get acceptance from the group. This is making your son more interesting to the other students. That's why he's doing it!! That's it!! ! Dadx4, go with this now!! He probably had a lil crush, got over it but then noticed it got him attention!! So he did it again! But they might egg him on to kiss her! When I was 11, I hung out with my very handsome, romeo cousin. All the girls hung out with me because I was their ticket to get next to him. Because I was his cousin, they respected me and wouldn't dare pick on me. Although their friendships were insincere, at least I never got bullied!

My daughter has borderline stalking behaviour and has done since Kindergarten I noticed because I use to do parent help. In year two I overheard a teacher saying she was sadistic. Which I think is exaggerated. She just has a bad temper sometimes and she will give Teachers and other adults the 'evil eye' if she is really angry with them.

I meant to answer this never got round.

Asking him "why?" won't help. "I don't know" is a good answer. He probably doesn't know. People think up elaborate ideas to justify what are gut feelings. Emotions are justified through delusions on the conscious level, which makes them appear less selfish, when they are actually satisfying internal needs of the brain. Also the thought doesn't have to be truthful to the emotion it merely has to facilitate what is not necessarily a uniquely individual behaviour.

If you think the above is unromantic, then you unfortunately assume all delusions are a bad thing.

Anyway do you really want him to justify something that is not appropriate? Ask away...

What is more important is he understands the concept reciprocation. In order for two people to have relationship them need to both want it and also each contribute something. It is not going to happen otherwise. As she have never shown signs of feeling the same way, and has explicitly stated she is not interested after a long period, he has pretty much zero chance. However having reciprocal skills might help his chances. Not likely with her but for relationships in general. It is not impossible to learn some of that. You are competing with people who have this on an inherent level so it is not exactly the same thing.

Have you tried telling your son that the girl doesn't like it (and doesn't want to be his friend)? My son was following around a group of girls at a place where we used to go regularly. They called him creepy and other names, but he would still follow them around. He had to be everywhere they were and I knew those girls hated him.

I told him honestly that those girls didn't like him and they were never going to like him for as long as he followed them around. I told him that girls pretty much don't like boys and that's a fact! Boys are attracted to girls much more than girls are attracted back. Young women get all kinds of offers for dates etc... and I told my son to expect to be rejected most of the time. But, one girl will like him in return and not to let the rejections bother him. Such is life.

So, my son did ignore those girls and he wasn't depressed over it. He moved onto something else.

The school needs to take charge of that, and make it clear to the other kids that they are NOT to discuss the girl or relationships with your child AT ALL. And I say "at all" because the kids may know subtle tricks that will egg your son on without the teacher noticing. They can't put all the responsibility on your family for solving this; they should do their part.

These kinds of things contributed to us doing homeschooling. The other kids liked to keep my son in trouble and he couldn't handle the games they played at his expense.

Again to everyone, thanks for the suggestions and experiences you have shared. I have found them all very helpful.

I really like this idea from Laura12

Thanks everybody, I haven't been able to log in for a couple of weeks and was overwhelmed by all the responses by everybody. All the suggestions and insights are so good. I'm glad I asked this question. You are a good group of people.

I don't know if you've heard of Alyson Beytein but she is an awesome speaker on puberty/dating/raising boys through these kinds of years. She has 3 boys on the spectrum. Her oldest is an Aspie, middle son is HFA and her youngest is non-verbal. They're all teenagers now so she has been through IT ALL. She's hilarious and down to earth and totally honest. I would look up some of her work because I have heard her talk about this subject on several occassions. She rocks. http://www.alysonbeytien.com/