He has a good friend!

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Nate has a friend is in class that he is very attached to. He says this child is his only friend.

A few months ago I went to Nate's classroom to work on a project and informally observed him. My AS filters went up and thought this other child could be AS. It seems more obvious that he is than with my son. He has some of the more "obvious" symptoms such as fine motor difficulties, spatial reasoning difficulties and hyperactivity. This is in addition to his pragmatic language skills, lack of eye contact, just to name a few observations. I observed him, informally, for about two hours while working on a proje with my son. I could be wrong but a few other parents have said something as well. They told me that this other child seems to have a disconnect yet him and Nate seem to have a connection of some kind. These other people don't know a lot about kids on the spectrum.

Just yesterday I asked the teacher if she felt there was another student in her class that has AS (thinking of a particular student). She looked at me and said, "YES!!" The other student has pragmatic language skills, fine motor difficulties and some spatial reasoning difficulties. He has difficulty drawing even a rainbow. He is such a great child, though!! The teacher stated that Nate and this other child have some unique connection. They both also have a similar way of relating to people.

The mother of this child and I have become acquaintance/friends. The teacher tells me that she really worries about this particular child and really wants the mom to get out of denial that anything is wrong. guess the teacher doesn't have significant concerns with Nate as she does with this child. She wants me to somehow approach mom with the information but I have to figure out how to do it without being invasive. This teacher will not be the teacher in a few weeks because she the original teacher is coming back. She will, however, be the aide in nate's class.

I will probably just start setting up play dates because Nate and this other child really really want to get together and play geotracks and watch train movies. They have been begging us all year.

I am just so happy that Nate has a best friend is class. I find it interesting how they have found each other and have this unique connection. The other child doesn't necessarily play for long periods of time on tasks that Nate finds interesting because this other child has more difficulties with the spatial reasoning type of tasks but they are still good friends. Nate cried last weekend because he wants this child to come over and play geotracks.

The older Nate gets the more depressed/sad he seems to be getting concerning social situations. It is really affecting his mood lately. He is starting to see that he is a bit different. He is crying a lot more at home. I hate seeing this. He can't express exactly what is wrong but will say that he want's ____ to come over and play with him. He just asked me again, right now, if this other child can come over.

Good to hear that your child has made a friend.

As for talking to the other child's parents, you could always use my preferred approach and directly address the issue. Something along the lines of, "Hello, your son is incredibly weird, and I know why. Here is some information for you.*" Of course blunt may not work for you, so you need to find somebody else to be blunt for you. I recommend giving your husband this information, introducing him to the other child's father, and then telling him to talk about it. He will gladly be incredibly blunt on your behalf.

If your asking for ways to be tactful then I'm afraid I wont be of much use.

*Being tactful is overrated

Definitely get some play dates going!

As some expert I once read said, when it comes to friends, you only really need one. If that child stays true.

It's been interesting that my son knows but has never connected with the other AS kids in his school. His best friend is NT, a total sports guy, and so many things my son isn't .... and, yet ...

There often is no accounting for what draws people together.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear that your son has a solid friend. As for the child's possible AS ... I guess I wouldn't feel it was my business. If you are open with the other mom about your son's diagnosis, she may start wondering, and asking herself. But if she doesn't, well ... I think teachers can bring it up, but other parents is really tricky.

Tracker - you're great!! You made me laugh. Being tactful is sometimes overrated.
I am blunt in certain situations but it would be hard in this one. My husband is really not social so I don't know how that would work. I wouldn't know where to start with introducing them.

I have been very open about Nate with this parent. She is a parent volunteer and helps out in the class at least once a week. I wonder if she notices. If she doesn't now, she probably will in the future. I will probably just continue to be open about Nate. I am sure that next year, something will be brought up by school staff. He could be a child that is never dx and eventually does fine in school. In one of my previous posts I mentioned a child who wanted to play pirates and Nate said no. That is this kid. He is pretty active.

Seeing this child and my son in the same class really makes me wonder about the whole difference of HFA and AS.
It reinforces for me that my son is probably HFA. I know I am trying to make everything fit in some category but this other child seems a bit more social and has more of the AS characteristics. My son's fine motor skills and spatial reasoning skills have been off the charts. He also seems completely fine most of the time doing his own thing. He seems to get really upset if people don't play his games or a game (board game) that he wants to play. Nate has no hyperactivity. In fact, he is sometimes not active at all I worry about him. He is a skinny little guy and probably has little muscle strength due to his inactivity.

This other child's strengths and weaknesses in a lot of ways opposite of Nate's. Their way of communicating with other people are similar. It's just interesting to see the unique differences. Nate is definitely more controlling, though.

My son has two evaluation appt with the neuropsych this month for further testing and an actual confirmed dx. Again he was dx at age two, redx as PDD-NOS, and now getting tested. I am so curious as to what the dx will be. This neuropsych believes that the PDD-NOS dx is too often used and most individuals fall under a more definitive dx such as AS or HFA.

My husband's brother also has a child that is definitely AS. He is a lot like Nate's friend. I can't bring it up to them either because they won't hear of it. My husband's parents think Nate is completely typical. You know why? My husband's father is on the spectrum, undx. They are used to it. They are wonderful people who think that everyone else has problems because they are completely without structure. They have been eating at Burger King every Thursday for at least five years or so. If they go out of the structured routine, my husband's father doesn't do so well.

I would help to be blunt in some situations. Perhaps I will be with my family in this situation. It is really my husband's family, though so it's a bit tricky.

Tracker, you made me laugh. Your reply was fantastic.

Natesmom,
I probably would have been annoyed had a teacher said something to me about J, however I would have been very grateful had it come from a parent. Go figure. I think the difference is you obviously know and love your child and arent critizing him. J's kindergarten teachers had spotted something but couldn't name it, and honestly I was offended, it didn't help that I had other things going on at the same time(my mum had just died).
I knew J was different, but didn't understand exactly how. You are in an ideal situation with this other parent. The boys have formed a connection and lo and behold her son has connected with a very unique individual. You can point out all the positives, not just what he cant do.

My J used to stand on the side lines and not be so bossy-that has come with age and confidence. He used to appear hypo (he still does some times, lol) He does have hugh probs with some classroom stuff, hopefully that will improve this year he is off to a new school.
One of J's best friends is also an aspie but they are almost polar opposites.

I say talk to the mum, invite her over, suss her out. Point out how nice it is that nate and her boy have each other to play with. Tell her that nate is on the spectrum but your not 100% sure where because the spectrum is huge and all kids express their traits differently. (She may be comparing her son to Nate and noticing that they arent exactly the same there for thinking he can't be on the spectrum) Then I would just ask her if she had ever concidered having him evaluated. Really she shouldn't get offended with you because your not sitting around saying how devastated you are that nate is on the spectrum. She might blow you off to start with, but you've planted the idea.

Good luck, keep us posted.

See lots of good advice here. Not sure about he blunt angle though. Pushing hard on people actively in denial (if she really is) is a high risk thing.

I've actually gone through this before. How similar are they in behavior? If they have some similarity in symptoms, even if they aren't total matches, just having this mom observing Nate is going to start planting the seed. Just talking about the ASC moments of Nate's years past can trigger things too. No need to be blunt to start with...unless you get the sense she's on the spectrum too. Make sure you talk about how Nate's ASC isn't about your or your husbands "fault". The feeling of blame, and fear that it belongs to the parents, can be behind denial. Fear of what a diagnosis means can be too.

In the end be a friend. Even if she doesn't pull out. Really she doesn't even need to know the label to start helping her son. Just doing things that work for him is a step in the right direction.

P.S. Beware her hitting the double dip! Guilt about not having had him evaluated before, that can push her back into denial or to other bad places. Looking forward is what she needs to do to help her child and herself.

I think you need to tread carefully with this other parent. perhaps using "I statements" would help- maybe saying " it was a long time before I noticed my son had difficulties. I noticed that he did" A,B,C" slower/differently than others. I took him to be evaluated. I notice that your son has difficulties with some of the same things my son has difficulties with."...........wait for her response. If she says yes-she's noticed too....then talk to her about evals etc..........If , however, she says no- then i'd let it be.
ultimately, it's the teacher's responsibility to say something. i realize that it might come better from someone you know, but you shouldn't feel obligated to be thrust with this responsibility

Wonderful advice.
I will just use those "I" statements instead.

She is definitely not on the spectrum at all.

Nate is a lot like this other child - at least their communication style is very similar. This other child is a bit more expressive but also more active.

At the beginning of the year, I spoke to her about my son and my worries about him going into kindergarten. She is such a good listener. We clicked because our children were both the shortest in the kindergarten class. At that time, she just listened and smiled. She told me that Nate would probably be fine and I should wait and see. She was very encouraging. I haven't talked to her lately because I work full time.

I will call her this weekend and set up a play date.

good luck