My daughter has some serious issues

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It seems more than just AS or HFA. She seems emotionally disturbed.

How so?

BellaDonna, I think your daughter has had a really rough time of things, lots of changes and uncertainty, etc. Much of what you see could be a natural reaction to that. Does she receive any professional counseling? That would be where I would start. She could probably use a professional to talk to. It can be difficult to find someone she is comfortable with, but if it can be done, I think she will benefit.

I have intensive support through child and family services but she refuses to talk to any-one.

She seems disturbed in that she becomes very abusive, she goes in to rages. She tries to control everything I do.

The last time she was with me - she wanted to go for a walk. I said, I would earlier except at that time she asked, I couldn't.
Literally, she trashed the place. She physically attacked me. She was swearing, crying and carrying on for over an hour.
She says over and over again 'why me, why me' 'everything in my life is ruined.' She has been like this for many years except now she does whatever she can to control me and in everyway. Her anger is to the extreme and it happens alot.

She carries a knife around with her whenever she can. I have to hide pocket knives and all the kitchen knives but she searches for them and ends up finding one. It makes her feel safe but it so dangerous because she is so clumsy.

I think you just edited out what I responded to below, but I'm going to leave it.

Interesting about the lying. I've read posts here from adults who concluded their parents were always lying. You have to remember that an AS child can't perceive things like how time affects a promise, or many of the minor nuances in language, and it DOES come across to them as if the whole world just lies. All the time. And, so, they do. Or conclude it's no use talking at all. That can be very difficult to overcome.

Hopefully some AS adults can add some better suggestions, but for now I would:

1) Apologize. Explain to her that you do not intend to lie to her, but that things do change. Then tell her you will try to be more precise in your use of language in the future.
2) Be precise. "I will go for a walk with you if we can go at 10:00." "Did you wash your hands just now?"
3) Never tell a white lie or leave something out trying to protect her or smooth things over.
4) Never share information that you have promised to keep private. If there is any chance you will ever have to share what she has told you, make sure she understands that possibility, that you cannot promise privacy, and explain in detail why.

I'm thinking of having a scheduled day plan written up.

Have you had her lithium level checked ever? I hate meds, but was getting desperate for some help with my daughter, so started researching some meds on my own online, and asking other parents about meds their kids were on. The studies I read on lithium, individuals reported more manic episodes when there levels dropped. When they had the levels up in the normal range, they were much better. I did start my daughter on this, and since I got her levels in the normal range, it is so much easier around our home! She is not having all the manic episodes she use to have and I'm not as afraid for my family's safety. My daughter is only 10, but I've been pushed down stairs, through walls, bit, hit, etc...you name it, I think I've had it done. Now, though, she is laughing, hugging, just a fun loving little girl! She still has her issues, but I'll take this little girl over the one I had a month or so ago! Just a thought...

Thankyou for that advice because she is going to a pediatrician this week. I will write that up on my calender ebcause she certainly does go manic. She stays up for nights on end. Paces back and forward and talks really fast. Whatever she is talking about I have no idea and she is so off the show - she doesn't even respond to me.

Lithium can be a very dangerous drug, I would not recommend it so lightly to others.

Lithium dosage is usually just below toxic levels, so if it's not closely monitored by frequent blood tests, you could end up killing her. Also, even at less than toxic levels, prolonged lithium use usually leads to severe kidney damage. The maximum length of lithium use should only be 3-5 years depending upon the patient, so it's in no way a long-term fix.

It has its uses in certain situations, but I think in BellaDonna's case she's looking for a more long-term help for her daughter.

Again I must recommend reading more parenting books. I would also suggest you both go to something like a yoga or meditation class. it will help you both learn some self-control.

Yes it is always better to take that approach first and fore most. However, because my sister has BD and so too other members in my family. They have the serious form of bipolar so I am concerned.

I seem to remember your saying that she was eating gluten-free pasta with you a couple of weeks back.

Is that a consistent thing at your house? And does she eat gluten at her foster parents?

If she is changing diets every time that may be having a serious effect on her emotional equilibrium/moods.

I was able to deal with my own mood disorder/hypomania and recurrent depression with diet, especially excluding gluten, but have also noticed that dairy has a "stimulating"/speedy/destabilising effect on me if I eat too much of it or too often.

Seriously think about diet as a factor.

In some cases food intolerances have been shown to be responsible for the most destructive outbreaks/tantrums/loss of control etc.

Good luck.

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Yes that is what her carer say's. She is sensitive to food chemicals. However, she will not listen when I say she has a wheat allergy.

Have you had tests done to prove the wheat allergy?

Yes a blood test.

The trouble is that if you restrict her gluten intake while she is with you she may be suffering food-intolerance withdrawal symptoms. And I know from painful, ( for me and those around me ), personal experience that involuntary/inadvertent withdrawal from gluten, ( aswell as new exposure to it ), can provoke violent and/or tearful rage and verbal lashing out.

Food intolerance very often causes addiction to the very food which is the problem. The idea of giving up something which may feel literally like a pick-me-up/a "fix" may seem unthinkable/out of the question to her, especially if she has not seen anyone else give up something equally important/habitual because it was fundamentally bad for them, nor has any memory of what it feels like not to be under its influence.

Has she been on an exclusion diet at any point? Could the foster parents do that? That way she could discover for herself what she felt like, see the difference.
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why are you allowing a 3 year old to behave this way? i recall you mentioning that your daughter is 3