DD is losing her self-seteem.

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Hi,

My AS daughter, just turning 4 years old last Nov, seems to understand more about what's going on with herself. She probably knew about her special needs from undergoing so many therapies. She's old enough to know that these are therapies, not fun games.

She just graduated from PT. But she still has weak fine motor skills and is getting OT, so that she can write and depends less on adults to take care of her (e.g., feeding, buttoning, etc.) She also receives speech therapy due to her VPI (velopharyngeal insufficiency) and language therapy to help with the use of language in social situations--a typical problem of AS, I guess.

And recently she has said something like "I can't do it." or "it's too hard" (without any attempt to do it). Two days ago, she was so upset about minor things. And I knew she had something else in her mind, so I asked her what's really going on. She sobbed and said "I can't do anything. I'm not smart." These two sentences really choked me up inside because not only it's not true, but also it showed that my attempt that I'd thought was supposed to help her had sent negative feedback on her self-esteem.

Right now, what I am trying to do is to point out her strengths like her advanced reading and math skills, even though I don't know if it's too late to do it. Her self-esteem has already tarnished by her own conclusion that "I need help on most of the things; therefore I'm not smart." It's hurt to see her refuse to try something new just because she doesn't belive that she can do anything.

If you have any advice or tips or reading on how to boost AS child's self-esteem, I'd appreciate it very much.

I kind of went through a small "It's too hard" phase when I was 5. I wasn't receiving therapy, though.

My suggestion would be to start involving her in home activities. Involve her in the cooking. Tell her "okay, now hand me the pot". Or when you're shopping, tell her "okay, now fetch me this item (make sure that it's on a low shelf)". Praise her for helping.

If children are involved in these activities, then they feel that they're helping and their self-esteem will be higher.

She's pretty smart if she's realized that these are therapies. I would start to scale them back, personally. It isn't good to get them too dependant on therapies, because you'll just see what's happening with your daughter now, only spread out over longer and longer periods of time (even after the therapies have ended). It's okay if she's not excelling in everything.

For a 4 year old, she can't be THAT bad off. EVERYONE has problems. Maybe you can let her know.

i'm going through the same thing with my 10 year old daughter........it's difficult. no matter what you say, she's upset. we just try to reassure her, and at the same time-not talk too much about it....the more we talk, the worse her mood gets.

I don't think it's a negative self-esteem so much as kids with autism spectrum disorders just get frusterated very easily. The thought goes, I can't do it perfectly, or I can do it as well as my mom or dad does it, so why bother? When I was in Kindergarten I had a total meltdown because I was trying to draw Donald Duck but he wasn't coming out on paper the way I saw him in my head. It really freaked out the Kindergarten teacher that I would react that way and I almost got held back for behavior like that.

I see it in my own son every day, getting frusterated with little things like putting on his shoes or trying to put his shirt on. I think it's important to remind them that yes, they can do it, but it takes lots and lots of practice. No one is born knowing how to write letters or tie knots, everyone has to learn. And if you just practice enough, you can do it too.

Thanks for all of your advices. I like the idea of asking her to do some chores. Actually, I have asked her to do some chores once in a while. But it's never crossed my mind that it could help with the self-esteem. I should ask her to do some more .

I've also thought about scaling back her therapies. Maybe I should cut it down next semester.