Crushes on classmates, inappropriate behavior

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, my son is 9 and likes a girl in his class. The problem is he hugs her, rubs her back, etc. To him, it's innocent. But he believes that she really does like him, even though she is mean to him. I've tried to talk to him, telling him that anyone that's mean to you doesn't love you, and that if she says STOP, it means stop. We are working on a behavior plan to try to minimize this behavior, but it's hard because he really believes that she likes him. I'm afraid he's going to get in trouble for touching this girl. I'm going to have a psych come do a classroom visit so we can get his IEP up to par, it's not the best because he qualified for speech first so his caseworker is the SLP. So he's getting re-evaluated to get the correct support. Red tape and all.

Anyway... help? I thought about giving him a fidget toy to hold but if he thinks she loves him then that may not help.

why not get her involved? ask her if she likes him, and make sure he hears it from her that she's not interested.
having had crushes on nearly every guy in my class, it always helped when they let me know it wasn't mutual, I got over them a lot sooner.

Maybe I'm just old - but does anyone else feel that 9-year-olds shouldn't be having that kind of contact? Back in the '60s, it was just a rule - "no uninvited personal contact" - and even invited personal contact was frowned upon (I was disciplined by my teacher in the 2nd grade for just giving a girl who WAS my friend a peck on the cheek.)

And in addition to telling your son that people who are mean to him aren't his friends, be sure to also let him know that not everyone who is NICE to him is his friend.

I totally agree. What I meant by the innocence comment is that he doesn't realize how inappropriate it is, even though we've all (at home and at school) been trying to make him understand. I'm going to talk to the new doc about it, but he hasn't seen him yet.

I believe the girl has already said she doesn't like him, but the problem is, he thinks that she's just saying that. Oh and this Good point. I've tried that too, but it's hard for him to see the difference.

I'm probably stating the obvious here, but kids with ASD (like I was - even though no one knew about ASD at the time) pretty much have to be told "the rules" - explicitly - and then expected to follow them (one of the rules is that "the rules will change over time" - go figure.)

I was expected to know & follow the rules for polite society at all times. This is really no big trick, since the rules of polite society don't tend to change much (it's those pesky "casual" social rules that keep changing.) Lucky for me, back then every adult I came in contact with (parents, teachers, neighbors, the owner of the corner grocery store, etc.) had no problem letting me know when I was out of line (and they would inevitably let my mother know.)

I'd like to recommend the book The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - by Temple Grandin & Sean Barron. This is one of the most helpful books I've ever read! Everything is spelled out clearly & to-the-point (just as I like it.) Both authors give plenty of examples from their childhoods (growing up with ASD) & then everything is put in the context of how to put these "rules" into practice - from the perspective both of parents & of adults with ASD. I think you will find it helpful.

This reminds me of a situation that lasted the longest time in back in kindergarten. I had just moved up from Houston to Indy, and I was the only new kid in that class the entire school year. Well, this boy in my class developed a huge crush on me, and took it to really far, unhealthy rates. He'd always try to kiss me or hug me and once he even sat on me and held me down so I wouldn't leave him! The teacher, of course, was oblivious to this, but even my mom saw it whenever she dropped me off or picked me up from school. I was so happy at the end of the school year that I would never have to deal with him again.

Hopefully your situation will never have to go as far as to what happened to me. He really does need to learn that there are rules and boundries out there for this kind of stuff and he'll have plenty of time to find a woman in ten years.

He needs to be given a simple: you will not touch other kids, period, unless they in their specific words invite you to.

I gave my son that rule years ago. Keeps things simple.

But we haven't had the complication yet of him thinking he "likes" a girl in an innocent romantic way.

We are doing what we can so it doesn't get to that. The teacher and school personnel are aware of it. We will get there...that's what i tell myself anyway.

As for the simple rule thing...we've done that ten times over. He's lost recess, and still needs reminders not to do it. He forgets. What do we do then? Suspend him? That doesn't seem right.

I think I have that book in my cart on Amazon. Glad it's good.

It almost seems like an obsessive interest. ???

Hmmm ... enforcing is a lot more difficult than saying. So easy for me to post; so hard to figure out how to follow through. What works with him for other discipline issues?

Actually, I know what works. We've talked about it here, often. AS kids need to understand the reason for the rule and totally buy into it. Which means, in this situation .... I'm now clueless. Keep trying new approaches and explanations and hopefully something will finally stick.

With all respect. They are 9. If anything it can only be positive for your son, to think girls like him and he can be comfortable around them. If you try to make it look something bad, first he won't uderstand why, he doesn't comprehend the more complex psychology behind it, and will simple see relating to women as something negative, and it will carry on in the future. In summary, just let him do it.

Gonna have to disagree with you. 9 is plenty old to learn that uninvited physical contact is completely unacceptable.

The real trouble here is going to be getting him to understand that just because he fancies a girl, that doesn't mean the girl fancies him back. It's a Theory of Mind issue - he apparently doesn't understand that she doesn't share his feelings.

jenny8675309 - I'm wondering - has your son ever spent time around cats? If so, you might be able to explain that making friends with a person is a lot like making friends with a cat. If you grab a cat & (try) to hold on - what happens? It's impossible to force a cat to like you. The correct way to proceed is to make yourself available to the cat, put out food for the cat & let the cat come to you in its own time.

With people, you start by being nice (in many ways that don't include physical contact), sharing treats - and waiting for reciprocation. Reciprocation is very important. If the other person doesn't return your overtures of friendship, it's not a sign that you have to try harder - it's a sign that you have to step back.

Those of us with ASD tend to not want to wait for reciprocation. We tend to want to skip over the MAKING friends step & just start BEING friends. (Sometimes we end up being used by the object of our unrequited friendship, because they realize we will do anything for them without expecting anything in return.)

I don't know the answer - it's something I continue to deal with in my life. I DO know that it's impossible to take friends by force.

OK, I get that he's 9. He's a child. But what I am talking about here is not just liking girls. He is TOUCHING the girls he likes. Let's think about this for a minute. If I let this go, he'll think it's acceptable and carry THAT to adulthood. Do you think he'll thank me when he's arrested for sexual harrassment or the like? I'm thinking he might appreciate me teaching him when it's okay to touch people.

Anyway, the cat analogy is a good one. That actually came up with our cats. He thinks they don't like him because they run when he just grabs them (to cuddle them). I told him cats are like that... so that could work. I think that's exactly what he is doing. He thinks that if he rubs her back, etc. she will change her mind and like him back. Thanks for the inside view. You don't know how much I appreciate that. Reading about Theory of Mind in books is one thing, but hearing about it from someone that deals with it is much more helpful.

Oh, and I forgot to say that usually removing access to the video games works nicely, but since this is a school issue, I'm not a fan of punishing for something that happened at school 6 hours ago. BUT- they are working on a behavior plan with him where if he follows the rules, he earns something fun for the class. It seems to be working well so far... we may still have to tweak it though.

Have you tried using social stories? There's some here: http://www.speakingofspeech.com/Social_Skills_Pragmatics.html that explains inappropriate touching, and what makes a good friend.

When I was in first, and second grade (this is really embarrassing for me to admit, but if it will help someone else, I'll do it) there were these two girls that I was obsessed with being friends with. It wasn't a crush situation, but i think it's quite a lot the same situation nonetheless. They minced no words that they didn't want to be my friend, but like your son, I figured that if I just was nice enough to them that they'd eventually want to be my friend. If someone would've explained to me that I was making them uncomfortable, and would've helped me to see from their POV, and also would've explained to me what a good friend is, and what a bad friend is I think that I would've left them alone instead of pestering them constantly.