Stepdaughter obsessed with a boy

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Hi everyone My 14 stepdaughter was recently (Feb) switched to a new therapist and diagnosed with aspergers (her old one said she was just ADD). I can't tell you what a relief it was to finally know what made her different from our other kids and other kids in general. Since we are new to this disorder I would like some advice on how to deal with her new obsession. My SD is a freshman and this is the first year she has ever made a few friends at school, a boy his girlfriend (her "best" friend) and his ex-girlfriend. She met this boy in Sept. and he has become her obsession. Her mom told her around Nov. that she could no longer be friends with him, because he was suspended from school for pulling a knife on some kids who were picking on him. We then found out she was calling him when we weren't home and her cell phone was taken away. Then we found out she was emailing him and her friends saying she can't live without him and she's in love with him, so her email was taken away. Then 3 weeks ago while she was at her mom's she pretended to go on bike rides but was secretly going to his house. My husband and her mom decided to ground her from everything for a month. 2 weeks ago at our house she told her sister she plans on going right back over his house after she's ungrounded, and that she's going to steal him her from her best friend. When she went to therapy last Tuesday, her therapist said that my sd was obsessed with him, and said we should not punish her so harshly, so her mom relaxed her punishment a bit. On Friday her mom left to run errands and as soon as she left, so did my SD to this boy’s house. Today I went in her room to grab some laundry and there was a notbook on her bed that wrote "I Love Joe "about 20 times in and on the next page she wrote. "I will see him I don't care if I get in trouble" and "Only 12 hours until I see him again" and "I'm so excited" about 5 times. So my question is how do we stop this behavior? What is an appropriate punishment for sneaking out and disobeying her parents? We have split custody so she lives here every other week and at her moms (2 blocks away) every other week. My husband and his ex try to keep the punishment consistent between the two houses. They both seem to be stuck on what to do here. Please help.

OP, by stopping her from seeing him, you'll only make her like him more. It's becoming a Romeo and Juliet situation, she's gonna keep on trying to see him no matter what you do.

I think it's unfair of you to stop her seeing him, anyway. If he only brought out the knife in self-defence, he's not a fundamentally bad person, and even if he was, that's not your decision to make. Your stepdaughter should be allowed to make her own mistakes.

You say this is the first time she's had friends. That considered, it would be detrimental to stop her seeing her friends.

at this age teens NEED sex education. teach her that

1. she should not have sex to avoid pregnancy and stds
2. if she does have sex she needs to use a condom every time for every kind of sex - oral, anal, and vaginal. teach her and the boyfriend how to put on a condom and make condoms available discreetly. doing this does NOT encourage sexual activity, but rather discourages it by taking all the glamor and romance out of it.
3. teach her about pregnancy and aids

then,

call your school and get the boy's parents' number phone number. call them and tell them what is going on and that you are concerned that the two might go into a relationship that neither of them is mature enough for.

then, set up a meeting with the boy, his family, you, and your daughter and discuss exactly why you do not want them to see each other.

your daughter should not be without adult supervision at any time of the day. pick her up exactly when the school ends so she cannot do anything after school. do not let her go alone on bike rides or anywhere without adult supervision. obviously no parties or sleep overs.

as a parent of a teenager your priority is to prevent the kids from having alone time with their peers because that is how they start having unprotected sex, being offered cigarrettes and alcohol and drugs.

you can read online about many horror stories about autistic girls being sucked into drinking and shooting heroin by their peers.

He didn't bring out the knife in self defense. He took it to the bus stop the next day and threatened the kids who picked on him. It wasn't our decision to keep her from him, it was her mother's. My husband just went along with it to keep his ex happy. I do see your point about the Romeo and Juliet situation. Her mom did too I think, because I forgot to add that she invited him to come over last Friday and my SD told her he wasn't available. Apparently that was a lie, because she ended up at his house at the same time he "wasn't available". Her best friend is this boys girlfriend and she seems to have no qualms about never talking to her again once she"steals" him away.

Learning2survive- schools are not allowed to give out people's phone numbers.
OP- perhaps having a meeting with the boy's parents ( and not your daughter) would be appropriate....express your concerns over your daughter's current obsession with their son & see what they have to say

But don't use the word "obsession", it's creepy.

If she likes him enough to lose her best friend over him, I think you should convince her parents that keeping her from him would be unfair.

As for the lying, well, people have lied about worse things.

And I think that if the boy was really bad news, nobody would even be picking on him to start with. He sounds troubled, but not like a bad person.

I'm confused. Why do you and her birth parents think that you've the right to determine what friends she make?

And isn't love an obsession anyway?

I would not try to keep her from seeing him.

But I would keep a strong eye on her. The best way to do that? Have them together IN FRONT OF YOU.

There are a number of risks here besides the obvious one of pregnancy/STD's, and those come from the fact that there is no evidence this boy is anywhere near as into her as she in into him. Does he even enjoy her company? Is he using her? Is he unable to effectively stay away? Or does he really want multiple relationships at the same time? Does he see her as a friend and has no idea how she feels? And so on. Any of which will eventually crash down around her making her a complete emotional wreak and possibly a danger to herself.

No one can protect teens from making mistakes. But you can try to make sure you are there to buffer there. To do that, it all has to stay out in the open.

First, the boy sounds like he was REALLY bullied. In such a case, a knife isn't THAT bad. It is probsbly unlikely that he would even THREATEN your SD. Maybe you should let her be with him, but tell her that she should cherish ALL her friends.

As for teaching HER SPECIFICS about condoms, that might make her curious. You don't want THAT. And talking to another kids boy would imply consent, make you look bad in every way, etc... You don't want THAT either.

I don't think the kid is that bad, just troubled as some of you mentioned. Her father explained to her this week that if she wants to see him it will be on his terms(not sneaking off with no adult supervision). She is only 14 years old after all. I don't think her parents were trying to choose her friends. I think her mom was just being a little over protective after she found out about the knife incident. After all, if she didn't protect her daughter after learing about the knife and then he hurt her, everyone would be blaiming her mom for not protecting her.

He has a girlfriend and at school he has told other kids that "she won't stop following him around", but when they're alone he always kisses her, so I'm afraid she's being used. And no, real love is NOT an obession.

I really would like to know how you would discipline a teen with aspergers if one of their obsession is causing them to disobey their parents or to do immoral things. It doesn't have to apply to this case, just wondering?

I've never had an obsession like that, so I wouldn't be able to help you.

I am afflicted with a very obsessive form of love known as limerence. It may be what the SD is experiencing, but I would have thought 14 might be a bit young. I am old enough to have been able to learn to live with it, but that may be difficult for someone so young. Might be worth discussing this possibility with her therapist. I believe there are medications available that might help if this is going to be problematic.

Oh, limerence doesn't necessarily lead to increased sexual activity.

My suggestion is to allow them to see each-other under certain circumstances. Always chaperoned at first until you are sure that both are trustworthy and can be trusted together. Allow him to come over to your house for a planned evening. i.e. Play video games, or watch a movie with the family or a picnic. If there are other children, allow them to invite one person, that kind of thing. That way there is always a watchful eye, and they will be somewhat less apt to go against your wishes.

You don't mention anything about how the boy feels about her, does he even like her or is she just spying on him? I'd talk to his parents as well, if you can, and see what they know and how they feel about it all.

[edit] ok, sorry missed your last post there. Yeah, try to get everything chaperoned. Give rewards for obeying. Such as if such and such then you can invite someone to come over next Friday for a couple hours (and let her pick who, even if it is him.) She's probably, for the most part, just going to have to learn from her mistakes here and might be burned. If you can keep most of it chaperoned though, it might not be as bad for her in the long run. [/edit]

I think I would get the school councillor involved.
The boy pulled a knife at school , so maybe the councillor has some good advice on how to proceed.
I do not think it is o.k. to pull a knife on someone with or with out bullying.
It just shows he has low impulse control and I would not want my daughter to date a fellow like this either.
I dated a guy like this when I was a teen and after 2 years into relationship I was the one with a knife at my throat.
My parents hated him from the start and were right about him.
I can understand your concern!