Ignoring Dad

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Our son is diagnosed with PDD-NOS. He is 3years 2 months. He has a very close relationship with me (his mom) but he really doesn't have much to do with his Dad? He will play wit him occasionaly but doesnt kiss, or hug him, really wont even bother to say good night to him even if prompted. He wont even let him sit next to him?! Does anyone else have this experience? If so how do you handle it? I know it just breaks my husbands heart.

Does he spend most of his time with you? If so, it may just be a matter of predictable comfort. My son was like this a lot when he was younger. I was and am a stay-at-home-mom and have found that both of my kids tend to gravitate towards who they've spent the day with. Usually, that's me, but sometimes I'll go out for the day and my husband stays home with kids and when this happens, they almost get mad at me for coming home. On those days, it's all about dad and they want nothing to do with me.

Over the years it's evened out quite a bit. Sometimes my son still gravitates a little more towards me, but I think a lt of that has to do with the fact that time with mom is a lot more predictable than time with dad. I would suggest trying to get yourself out of the picture a little more frequently. Give him a little more one-on-one time with dad. That way, it's not a choice that your son has to make and the more time he spends with dad, the more they can learn to figure each other out. Good luck!

Number 5 I do stay home more and mu husbands job is very demanding so he isn't home much. When he stays with him and I am gone to get a haircut for example when I come home he immediatly drops dad again. Almost like dad fills a spot just because I wasn't around more like a babysitter.... I have suggested to my husband he does more alone with him. I think part of the problem is my husband franly doesnt want to have to deal with the meltdowns in public etc. Even now if we are out together and my son loses it my husband will just walk off and leave me there to handle everything..... :{ If I am gone for long periods of time like when I had surgery when I come home he will old my hand etc but he gets very quiet, wont make eye contact and doesn't talk to anyone for quite sometime.

My husband didn't interact much with our son early on, and our son wouldn't play with him. As my husband has made more effort to spend time, this has improved dramatically. More often than not he will stay near me and if he gets very overwhelmed I must stay with him - my husband just won't cut it.

I got fed up with my husband making me handle the meltdowns. We have a very good transitional in place with our son - we sing the "bye bye" song. My son will even sing it to himself if he needs to sometimes. My husband started insisting that I start the ritual and I lost it. We don't have family or friends around ever so we're pretty isolated. I told my husband that it was getting to the point that I was afraid to leave him alone with our son because I would have to run home and help my son pull himself together. That's not fair at all.

No one enjoys dealing with a child who is losing control of themselves. It has to be handled though, and it's not something that is optional for one person or the other. If I were suddenly removed from my child's life, I need to know that he would be able to be secure with someone other than me. That is EXTRA important for our kids. Take it from someone who's been there.

I never warmed up to my dad. My mom always said it was just one of those things, that if we hadn't been related we probably would never have been friends or close in any way. She was always very pragmatic about it, but I know it bothered my dad, and it bothered me. We never really stopped trying. Still, my idea of a nice way to bond and his idea of a nice way to bond were always miles apart, just because we were always such very different people, so most of those attempts were awkward.

My best memory of my dad is after I bought my townhouse, and I wanted to build the mantel for my fireplace. He came over and helped me with it. That day we bonded. Really, truly felt connected. Such a rare thing for us, we really treasured it.

I made him incredibly happy the day I got married, and again on the days my kids were born. Suddenly I was the golden daughter. He had no trouble at all bonding with his grandchildren, and that made up for a lot.

I've loved and respected him all my life, but somehow clicking together was really difficult for us. I think my mom was right, sometimes that is just the way it is.

So .... first, don't worry that my story will end up being your husband's, I'm not trying to say that at all. Just ... do remember that relationships evolve on their own, and sometimes we don't have the power to change it all that much. Your husband should show a genuine interest in the things that give your child joy, and try to share those things with him. But, beyond that ... he needs to remember that love can be expressed in many different ways and, while the hugs and the cuddles are the most fun and the most obvious, that the more subtle ones are just as important. Every A I earned as a child was at least in part for my dad (as v. my mom, who didn't seem to need them as much). I wonder if he knew that?

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we dont have the exact same situation, but i can share our experience. our asd son is 4y9m, so a little older than yours. what we discovered earlier this year during conversation is that he loves me, his mom, but likes his dad. he would not say that he loved his dad, only likes him. i have always gotten more hugs and kisses out of him and he is very physically attached to me.

i think this stemmed from two things. the first being that he is a boy in a household of boys, and boys dont talk about love all that much. the second is that he is a very physically rough child and my SO rough houses with them a lot, so every time he would start to get rough with me, i would tell him that mommies are for loving and hugging, and daddies are for jumping and wrestling. in his mind, i think that got a bit twisted out of context. i dont say that anymore.

if you ask him now, he will say that he loves both his mommy and daddy. and likes us too =) he is quite often affectionate towards me out of the blue, however with his dad, he still demonstrates more of the boyish rough play than affection. he will initiate intereaction with his dad by playful punching or climbing on him, and with me its more hugs and kisses or wanting to sit on my lap.

i think its a pretty natural reaction considering mothers usually provide more of the cuddling and nurturing, especially if the mother is the one handling the emotional upset times and the father literally walks away during that time. your son may not feel comfortable in depending on his father for those emotional needs. it sounds like that father needs to take a larger role in the emotional support, whether thats dealing with meltdowns, reading books at bedtime, or anything that grows the bond between the two of them without you involved. it should be things with just the two of them tho, because if you are available, the child is going to seek out what they already know and are comforted by.

I do tell the hubby he does need to spend more alone time with our son. And also more importantly the alone time should be quality time doing what our son enjoys. My husbands problem is he tries ti get our son to play what he would like to do. Not always the same thing. If my son doesn't want to play it then my husband loses interest. It was funny when our son was diagnosed I became a bit choked up and the Dr. started with I realize this is difficult blah blah blah I stopped him mid sentence and said "It has nothing to do with that, it is that my 37 year old husband and my 3 year old son behave exactly the same way and I was hoping you where going to tell me one of them would grow out of it!! !! !" I just never get a break. It gets to be overwhelming at times. Like today first day of preschool things started off well but towards the end we had a full blown meltdown over the plastic water toys that my son took to classify and the other 5 kids chased after them to get them back. My son curled up in a ball around the toys on the floor and just started screaming.... After what seemed like an eternity of being surrounded by 3 year olds watching me attempt to deescalate my son he calmed down. It took everything in me to just not sit next to him and cry as well. The hard part is even when my husband gets home I still wont be able to get down time until our son goes to bed...... It would just be nice to be able to tag team parent......

Maybe your husband has trouble relating with your son if he is not doing the things that your husband thought he would do? My husband has always just done and gone along with all of the quirky things that my son talks about and wants to do. My husband always made up little silly off the wall games and things to interact with our son. If your son will let dad read to him, that is a great way to bond, or if he likes a special show, then see if he will sit with your husband while he watches it. Or the rough play, just rolling on the floor, laughing and acting silly too is a good dad thing. Also, maybe taking your son on very short outings, like to the store to get only 1 or 2 things, or to somewhere for a short time so that your husband won't be so worried about meltdowns?

I think if he takes it slow, and just tries to get into your son's world in little ways, then over time, it should happen.

My son is 5 now, and although I am a stay at home and have been with him from birth, and do most of the nurturing, my son has a good relationship with his dad. It is funny because sometimes if he is doing something with his dad, and I come into the room, my son will say "I want you to leave the room, I just want dad" Sometimes he does the same to my husband if we are having a good time too. It makes us want to laugh, but we are trying to teach him to say it in a more polite way. LOL!

Ah, (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))). It will change. Eventually. A little. Hang in there, OK?

taboo, while I don't disagree with other posters that autism may be affecting this issue, it is developmentally appropriate for a 3yo to have a preferred parent. Here's one article about it that I found just by googling "parental preference:" http://www.todaysparent.com/preschool/a ... 036&page=1

I remember this entire stage of development being particularly hard with my son. Hang in there.

momsparky thank you for the article. I do agree with you it can be a kid thing and could be outgrown. I suppose my concern is how rude he is about it even with coaching on how not to be. Also concerns that if I am home and my husband tries to read stories or put him to bed we get a full blown meltdown. It is those times why my husband has just washed his hands of the situation really. I do hope he does out grow it and hopefully him being at school now and spending less time with me will assist in that. I for some reason was thinking (I am sure I will be corrected if I am wrong) that in Hans Apsergers original diagnosis criteria it was noted that AS kids did have an overly strong attachment to the mother. As with all things this to shall pass My husband, I think needs to persevere and stop taking it personally. Probably easier said than done I suppose .

momsparky thank you for the article. I do agree with you it can be a kid thing and could be outgrown. I suppose my concern is how rude he is about it even with coaching on how not to be. Also concerns that if I am home and my husband tries to read stories or put him to bed we get a full blown meltdown. It is those times why my husband has just washed his hands of the situation really. I do hope he does out grow it and hopefully him being at school now and spending less time with me will assist in that. I for some reason was thinking (I am sure I will be corrected if I am wrong) that in Hans Apsergers original diagnosis criteria it was noted that AS kids did have an overly strong attachment to the mother. As with all things this to shall pass My husband, I think needs to persevere and stop taking it personally. Probably easier said than done I suppose .

I think my son does have a very strong bond with me. The funny thing is when he is upset or angry, he lashes out at me more than my husband. In the middle of the night, if he wakes up, he wants mom. But, more and more over time, he wants his dad time. I hope your husband will not give up. The thing is, he is going to have to do some give and take, and play some of the things your son wants to do----How is your husband doing with accepting the diagnosis? It has taken my husband a LONG time to come around, but I think after 2.5 yrs, he is finally getting on board with it. Hang in there. Just try to simplify your life in other ways as much as you can so that you will have some energy left for yourself------

oooooh. maybe i am way off base but this coupled with the comment previously about your husband walking away during meltdowns and not dealing with them makes me wonder if you guys have considered whether he is on the spectrum himself? a parents autistic traits can definitely have an impact on their relationship with their child. not saying that it is the parents fault, but there could be disconnects that the child is picking up on.

this really struck a chord with me because my 38 yr old significant other and my 4 yr old son behave exactly the same way, too. our son has been diagnosed with autism, and we are trying to get the diagnostic process started for my SO now. the realization of this similarity between them has made some changes to their relationship, and i can see recognition in my SO's eyes when he watches our son, he sees himself more in his son. he is also learning to watch his own behaviors a little more and has become a lot more patient with our sons behaviors, even when its causing some overload in himself.

like i said, i may be way off base, but its just something to consider.

azurecrayon you arent off base at all. My husband and his father both have very strong traits of a person with PDD. As for the diagnosis he is willing to accept it up to a point. He wont read literature on it, he wont call it Autism he chooses to call it Aspergers as he feels there is less ignorance with it. He will also recognize his dad has the traits but he will not admit the traits in himself. It has been fun let me tell ya!! !! Even to get our son diagnosed when I told him we were taking him he asked why I would want to open that can of worms!! !

Sounds very familiar to me! Just keep working with him a little at a time.