Opposite siblings

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My oldest, CME, has probable AS. He definitely has sensory issues. He loves slow deep pressure, being hugged and squeezed, covered in pillows, etc. He hates loud noises, flashing lights, certain textures. He's very affectionate and imaginitive in his play, but seems to have no understanding of the fact that other people don't always want to play HIS way.

My youngest, Matthew, probably has sensory issues, too. (We're in the process of getting him checked out) But he's a seeker. He loves deep pressure from jumping off things, from wrestling, from touching, hitting and kicking. He LOVES loud things and flashing things. (Matty has an appointment to be evaluated by CME's OT in May and I'm guessing she'll say he has sensory integration. I don't think he's on the spectrum, but then again, I didn't think CME was on the spectrum when HE was 3.)

They are opposites in so many ways. The little one loves to set off a meltdown in his big brother. CME is pretty rigid about things, like having lights on or off, so Matthew will turn it on, and it becomes a battle. Or Matthew will wrestle CME to the ground, squishing him until CME finally has enough and starts to kick to free himself, then Matty kicks back, and all hell breaks loose!

Last night we were at church for bell choir practice, and my boys were playing with riding toys, wagons and tricycles in the Welcome Hall. For a few minutes Matthew pulled CME around in the wagon. Then Matthew wanted to stop and play with something else. CME had a fit, and followed Matty around yelling, "Push me, Matthew! Do you want to push me? Come push me please!" And just couldn't accept that Matthew didn't want to play that anymore. It ended with CME knocking Matthew down into a doorway, because Matthew wouldn't play the way CME wanted him to play.

So, aside from locking them in their own rooms for the next 15 years, what do you do when your kids need opposite things, or just can't be together nicely for any length of time? Most people tell me, "They're just being brothers," but it seems like way more than that to me, especially adding in their respective special needs. I grew up with an older sister and while we didn't always get along, we weren't explosive!

It is going to take time before your boys mature enough to understand each other's needs, but you still need to be teaching them, at an age-appropriate level, about them as much as you can. That doesn't mean labels and diagnoses: it means explaining that Matthew isn't always going to want to do what Chris wants to do and vice versa. It also means explaining that even if they both want to do the same thing, they won't want to do it for the same amount of time. You will have to explain it over and over again. All children need to have these things explained, but kids on the spectrum need to have these things, which are social learning that many kids "just pick up," are things that most kids on the spectrum need direct instruction on.

You will also need to take a much more active role in modeling appropriate behavior and talking about what you are doing - your children are less likely to pick up your modeling from simply observing it. They need the narrative. You may also need to help them "negotiate" some of their play. If one wants to be pulled in a wagon after pulling the other one, you might have to be there to make sure that before they start, the "rules" are clear: if one pulls the other, then the other gets a turn to be pulled - if that is something that is physically reasonable. They younger one may not be able to do that for the older one. If that is the case, the older one may not understand it. You may need to demonstrate by having him try to pull you and see how much harder it is. You might have to be the one to pull the older one so he gets a turn being pulled.

It sounds like your older son would benefit from a social skills group. These tend to be run by OT's and/or SLP's.

Thanks Jat. I do do a lot of modeling and walking them through what's appropriate. It's just frustrating to be unable to leave them alone together for even a moment. They can be watching TV, and one will want it louder, or will turn a lamp on, or will want to sit in this-or-that chair, and every single thing becomes a physical battle.

CME is in a social group with his OT clinic, and has made great improvement with other children. He plays very nicely with other AS kids, and is getting much better even as school with NT kids. At home is just different. Matthew is a bit verbally delayed, and at 3 years old he has no idea about CME's issues. CME's autistic tendencies mean he has no idea about Matthew's issues.

I appreciate the advice. It's what I'm doing, but I understand I need to stay on top of them pretty much all the time.

It's frustrating to have to stay on top of them all the time. Unfortunately, the progress children make (NT as well as ASD) with "outsiders" tends not to show up at home quite so quickly! Siblings always seem to be fair game for lashing out. If you have the space in your house, you might want to have them play in different areas sometimes, so you can have a breather from being the "referee," or at least be able to prepare dinner or do laundry! LOL!

Or shower!

Welcome to my world

I have an 11 year old AS son and an 8 year old NT daughter and they FIGHT. But they can also be incredibly sweet together. Thing is, we can't know what we're going to get so leaving them unsupervised is, well, asking for trouble.

It does improve. I'm pretty sure my kids will keep from dreadfully harming each other long enough for me to shower. But I am likely to get my daughter coming in all tears because something went wrong ... sigh.

We have spent a lot of time supervising and helping them negotiate. And we also separate them a lot. My son is now in Boy Scouts and away on outings one weekend a month; my daughter loves it when I take her to the movies (my son HATES the theatre). Lately my daughter has been complaining about how much she misses her brother, because he is gone so much, but WE love the peace. She just doesn't get that he wants less social contact than she does. She adores him, it's the natural order things, but we have to keep her out of his face or she ends up in tears.

Still, I would describe them as having a typical love/hate sibling relationship. The problems come from their needs being different, not from them actively disliking each other (for the most part). They do try, but they are kids, and they get frustrated. It would have been nice for my son to be responsible enough that I could leave him in charge as some parents do with 6th graders, but I've accepted we're a long, long way from that, if we can ever.

I think it's easier if you stop trying to live by a standard vision and get on with living life the way you're kids need you to. It just is what it is. Keep working with them and know that they WILL mature, in their own time and their own way. Entice one to help you fold laundry and shower when your husband is home. You adjust. And it WILL pay off. I promise!

our son's are polar opposites.......at the age of 14 & 17 now, i can tell yu that there were years that were difficult....times when i couldn't leave the room for fear there would be blood.........today, they get along for the most part- 14 year old has learned to be more accomodating & understanding. 17 year old has calmed down a bit..........the main way we got through was to find different activities for each boy that highlighted their own strengths. no comparing them eeither

My two are chalk and cheese. Master 12 has ADHD and Master 13 has AS.

Master 12 is impulsive, loud, and often totally over top. Master 13 is introverted, sensitive to noise and has a really concrete sense of right and wrong. They fight like cat and dog but are also like magnets and cannot leave each other alone.

My youngest also likes to cause his older brother to have a meltdown. The oldest one has an irrational hatred of fruit (he's OK with vegetables ) so the younger one will aggresively eat apples and bananas at him. He can make his brother leave the room because fruit makes him feel sick.

I tell you there is never a dull moment in my house

That sounds like my house, Julie_b!

I think life will get much better once my little one learns some empathy. Any day now would be great!

My sister, about a year and a half older than I am, and I were the same way. We used to fight all the time because we were different. She would also go out of her way to do things I didn't like just to annoy me. She also had to be the boss, have everything her way, or she would walk out. I was willing to compromise, but she wouldn't, 100% her way or no way. She would always say my way was always the stupid way, and it was impossible for me to ever be right, so she should rule. I never went along with that, so we always ended up fighting.

Later they started trying to force what she did on me. They'd often criticize me because I didn't read as much as she did, she would read for several hours a day, and even read most of the night, but that wasn't me. They also, between the ages of 11-14, forced me to go swimming whenever she did, often taking me away from my own activities. They'd also force me to go places with her when I wanted to stay home, for some reason they thought I needed to get out more and the only activiites they accepted as getting out was going places with my sister, who of course tried to push me around and treated me badly.

Even when I went to college, she decided not to move out as she planned to, so our parents still did that to me. They'd pressure me to go out with her and her friends, to go to football games or her friends' parties with her, and if I didn't, all hell broke loose. They felt I didn't socialize enough and of course, it was like only doing things with her was socializing. I was so glad when she finally did move out, and I was free to spend my time as I saw fit, and was very happy.

I think the best thing for opposite siblings is to let them live their opposite lives separate from each other. I would have been so happy if I could have just stayed in and played by myself or worked on my electronics kit instead of being forced to swim when my sister did, or staying in on Saturday night with my computer, ham radio, listening to music, watching TV, doing my own thing and being happy. I would ask my parents why my sister couldn't do what she wanted to do I do what I want to do, and they'd never give an answer, or at least one that made sense. The answers were often "you need to get out," or "you need to balance yourself more with other activities," or "she wants you to" or "you need to go out with her for support," the last which made no sense at all.

I hope hearing how it is from the view of an opposite sibling will help you make the best decision as to what to do.