AS Child who is a loner

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Hey there - I am new to this site. I am really excited about finding a website for people with AS. Here's a little background info - I have two children - an 12yo girl with ADD and my 10yo son has AS. He was diagnosed at age 8, after being misdiagnosed with ADHD at age 6. The AS diagnosis was a huge help b/c it explained so many things about him that no one (including me and his father) understood. Unfortunately, doctors haven't been much help. People always said he just "marched to the beat of a different drummer".

One of my biggest worries right now is that he is such a loner. Ever since he was a todder he's been this way. My 12yo daughter was constantly needing my attention, wanting me to play with her, etc. But my Aspie would be in his room for hours, just playing with stuff. At the time, it made him appear to be the "easy kid" because he required so little maintenance (that sounds so awful, I know) and his older sister was so high-maintenance. But over the past few years, it's seriously concerned me. He doesn't act real depressed or anything (which I am thankful for), he just prefers to stay in his room (with his door closed - he's adament about that) and play, watch tv, etc. And the sad thing is, when he plays in there by himself, he sounds like he is really having a good time. But if I try to go in and join him, to have some interaction with him, he just acts like "ok Mom, you can leave now". Like he really doesn't want interaction with anyone. I guess, for a social butterfly like me, I have a hard time comprehending that.

How do I get him to come out of his room and his shell and interact with the rest of the family? Or should I even try to? I have read on some forums on this website that Aspies truly prefer to be left alone. I don't want to try to force something on him that would be detrimental - but on the other hand, I just feel like such a bad mom if I do nothing.

Sorry so long! Any suggestions?

As a late-diagnosed Aspie (this year, age 49), who had a pretty miserable childhood,
I'm not going to come at this as an expert, but express what, in retrospect, I would have liked.

I was never encouraged to believe "It's ok to be different"
I was pushed into socialising, did it badly and became an even easier target for the natural cruelty of the teenager group world (yes, it has positive properties too, but it certainly has that).

I suggest, and only suggest, subject to the opinons of my betters.

Definitely encourage the first. "It's ok to be different." Many AS folk are going to be specialists of one sort or another. The average person is not going to "get" them easily. Support hobbies and interests (especially if they could point to a career, but you needn't let on about that).

Social skills are going to be useful, because that is how most of the world works, for better and worse. (How is he managing his schooling?)
Two possibles:
A start might come fairly naturally with others who share *his* special interests,
(on-line, even as a beginning, with care) such as a local rocket/train/stamp/group.

Frank discussion, pointing out *in AS terms* that the world works in odd ways and that since it can't always be avoided, it's a good idea to pick up clues to its rules and customs.
I sold it to myself as "like learning a game", and also as a challenge "can you spot the rules, the sense, of the mad world out there?"

(Dr. Eric Berne's classic "Games People Play" was eye-opening to me, but I didn't encounter it till I was in my 20's. If it makes sense to you, you might be able to pass on nuggets of it, as a start.)

Best wishes, Chris.

Thanks so much for your suggestions/insight. At this point, we (his father and I) still haven't really told or explained to him what AS is or that he has any kind of problem. He knows that he takes meds to help him do better in school, but I haven't really taken it any further than that. I have recently been thinking it may be time to. It's hard because he is VERY emotionally immature for his age so I am not sure how much he'd grasp. He is the baby of the family and has been coddled a lot and acts very babyish. He also has a hard time grasping abstract concepts, so I am not sure how much of AS he'd understand. But he has just recently started making friends in school and had his very first friend sleep over last week. I have to say I was a nervous wreck the whole time, worrying about how he'd do.

I have to walk a fine line between making allowances for the AS and trying to teach him tools to function in society. He struggles in academics b/c his thinking is on a total different level than the other kids. He's in no way ignorant, he just does not "get" the way the normal public school system presents material to children in the classroom. And his social problems are just starting to cause a few problems. Up until this age, his quirks were overlooked b/c of young age or just thought of as peculiar. But he's getting to an age now where people think he is disrespectful, rude or even "slow" - which is definitely NOT the case. It's sad b/c he is very smart about techinical things. And like you said, I have been keeping a watchful eye on things that could turn into a career. He loves computers and math, so I try to encourage that.

I guess my concern centers more around his social issues than anything else, b/c I know how that can affect all other areas of his life as a child and into adulthood.

I am trying to find that happy medium between allowing him to be himself and know that it's okay to be himself and helping him adapt to what the world is going to expect out of him.

Thanks again for your insight. That's one thing I am loving about this website is that it is helping me see into my son's mind, and have a glimpse at what he is thinking.

Thank you for your thanks.
There is a lot in your post, and it's perhaps that last sentence that's key...

This may be a little tricky to say.
It is not meant in any way as criticism, and is only a suggestion/opinion.

Beware of trying to make him better by making him see the world more your way.
This *isn't* to say that he will never understand your world and its values and way of doing things, but I suspect the best way to better communication and comprehension will involve you learning *his* world, way of thinking and language.
If you can explain things in a framework that makes sense to him, the ideas are much more likely to stick, and comprehension of "the social world" will follow, though built on a different base from what makes instinctive sense to you.

Unless there is more than you say, this is exactly what the school seems at risk of not doing. (A nice flashy attention-getting multimedia presentation is not what we want, by and large! Clear steps and single-channel information, if you please!)

Perhaps an example:
Why do people say "Hello, how are you?" when they meet, when they don't really want to know?

Would your explanation of that differ, depending on whether or not an AS child had asked the question?


Apologies if that is out of order.

I completely understand. I do have to remind myself that he is not me and we think very differently - and I respect that. He is VERY much like you described. He gets lost in all the little tricks they try to teach him to help him remember something when all he wants is the basic premise. I have to basically take what they are trying to teach, take out all the hoolpa and whittle it down to the basic idea - then he gets it no problem and aces the schoolwork.

I really love the things about him that make up AS, I just know that the world isn't always so tolerable. And, as a mother, that makes me worry for (most of all) his happiness!

Thanks again for your help!

Emettman:

While I agree that it is important to learn "*his* world" I would respectfully disagree that we should beware of trying to make him see how the rest of the world really is. I feel it is a two-way street, meaning that both points of view must be taught and learned by as many interested persons as possible.

Being caught in the middle (my father and my son are both aspies) I have seen what my father always struggled with and what my son's future could look like if he doesn't learn the rules of the world. As his mother, I will do my very best to learn how to communication with my son in his "language," but the rest of the world is not going to be so forgiving and cooperative.

Court:

I would encourage your son to come out of his shell. I am currently working on this with my 9 y/o. The way I do this is how I would with anyone (NT, AS, etc.) and that is by picking out activities he really likes. My son loves to hike and camp, so we go geocaching and hike down by the lake, and we are involved with cub scouts. He loves chess, so I keep a chess board on the coffee table at all times, so we can easily play when ever the mood strikes us. He has expressed interest in learning to play guitar, so I bought him one for Christmas and my father-in-law gave me his, so we can take lessons together. I am also buying a ping pong table to put in the garage to encourage him to play with other kids in the neighborhood. Of course, I respect his need for "down time" in his room and make opportunities for this as well. If you do it slowly, and increase a little at a time, it may not be as hard on him. All new things may seem uncomfortable and hard at first, but once we get used to them, they are a breeze.

Good luck!

Crystal

Ah, I may have mis-emphasised. I agree entirely with you.
My point about learning "his language" was that this is then likely the most effective basis on which to communicate about the broader world. Not just a plea that the world should accommodate his (or my) way of thinking.

Getting the foreign ideas across in a familiar language, not trying to explain a strange world in a strange tongue.
Getting a grip on the world's language, too, now I'd take that as another skill step.

I'm not totally there. I can pass as NT, in most circumstances, but I don't "get it".
Their motivations and enthusiasms are often alien. I note them, sometimes with interest, and respond appropriately (from their viewpoint), selecting from a slowly established repertoire. It remains something of a chessgame, not an instinctive feel.

Okay I am in no way close to knowing as much as the rest on this board, however I am the Mom of a 10 y/o Aspie whom I adore and wish I could shelter from the world.

My Son Vlad is also very babyish how ever he is a young man at 10 y/o and should be explined what is going on. When I first Told Vladi about his AS (when he began his evals) he took it a little hard but when I explained that his brain works differently than the rest. I too am a social butterfly and use that to Vlads advantage. I make friends with his friends Moms so he can be close to the couple kids he does get along with. That sometimes means a Extra ticket to a theme park or a party full of people I don't know but it helps him soo much! I let him talk on the phone as much as possible. I now listen when he talks,talks,talks....about video games. I tended to tune him out before his diagnosis bcause AS kids talk soooo much! try to be his friend and show him you are trully interested this will help him comunicate with peers.

When my AS son was 10 he was such a loner too. I used to worry because if we were at a park or something he might just sit in the dirt, stare at the ground and draw...completely oblivious to the world of kids around him and their playing.

But he's not as much like this now. He still definately has AS, but he's more interested in people these days. I don't know about your son, but mine pays attention to such fine details...ones that I'd never notice unless they were pointed out. He has sort of taken up a hobby of noticing oddities in the people around him. People watching of a sort. But that requires *being* around people. So he's not against the idea of people since he has found his own way to enjoy them.

However your son copes with social interaction, I'm a firm believer that if you are encouraging and supportive he's going to be ok.

Thanks guys for your input and encouragement. Two years ago when my son was first diagnosed, his teachers, the school staff, family members - no one had ever heard of Asperger's let alone knew anyone with it. So he was viewed as something of an oddity and I felt like "ok, is he the first person to ever exhibit these symptoms? Why has no one ever heard of this?". But as I have learned more and more by researching on the internet (and by reading this website) I am so encouraged to see that he is not alone.

All your suggestions will help so much and thanks for letting me know my son isn't the only one who just doesn't get the rest of the world.

Jenthered, my son is the same way about noticing details. Even as an infant, instead of putting things in his mouth, he would just stare intently at the object - not blank-faced or anything, but he just looked like he was seriously studying the object. As a pre-schooler, I would find him outside, just staring up at the sky or into the trees looking very serious and I'd ask him what he was doing and his response was always "just thinking". He'd never really elaborate on what, but he's always lived within his head and not really responded too much to the world around him. At the time, I just thought he was a contemplative child, but of course now I realize some of that was the AS.

I too wish I could shield him from the world. And after 2 years, I am JUST NOW finding ways to communicate with him in his "language", which is encouraging.

Thanks again for all your words of advice!

-Court

Let him be a loner, and when you encourage social interactions, try to make it in the area of his obsessions. That way, he'll be more motivated and it won't be so boring or hellish for him.

My son is that way, too, and I let him alone. I totally understand why he needs his space. Do you realize how hard it is to think or to come up with original ideas when there are other people around making noise, taking up your space, and generally crowding out your thoughts?

Social interactions are work for us. They are very tiring, and we need time to recoup and gather ourselves together again. If he is in school, he will probably need a lot of recovery time each day...school is extremely stressful. Work is a breeze compared to what school is like. Even being homeless was less stressful than school!

I totally agree with Emettman's first post.

This REALLY helped me through my social doldrums/special interests in high school. I joined my state's association for the users of the service which was my special interest, and it worked out really, REALLY well. So well in fact I was able to get an internship out of it in EXACTLY the field I wanted to be in! Just be sure to be there the first few meetings (well, really, given he's 10, until he's old enough to be there on his own), not just to supervise, but, if the gatherings of such a group are formal, to make sure any AS-related eccentricities don't interfere with the actual meeting--that may be an issue until he has learned enough to go through meetings on his own.

One thing you might want to consider is that Aspies have a thirst for knowledge. They want to know the facts. You know your son better than anyone else, and if I were in your shoes I'd tell your son about his AS situation soon (actually, I'd have told him the day the diagnosis came, regardless of his age, but that's just me). ESPECIALLY if he's getting to the point where people are beginning to notice his eccentricities around him. I'll disclaim that I've never been formally diagnosed (I do have many AS traits and friends on the spectrum), but I have been the victim of, and have seen firsthand, the harassment and bullying as the direct result of my parents (and other parents) waiting to fill me (and others) in on some important things throughout life. Many Aspies on this site, when they learn they have AS, actually say they're even relieved--because it explains a LOT they already had noticed about themselves. Of course, you know your son best, but it's something to consider.

All the best with your son, and a Happy New Year.

Well, the thing with my son is that he has yet to notice anything odd or different about hisself. I am not sure if that is related to his being emotionally immature or not, but he looks at others as the strange ones, not himself. So, so far we haven't encountered him noticing differences in himself compared to others. But I know that I wil have to sit down with him soon and tell him. Last night I was playing over in my mind exactly what words to use so he understood without making him feel like this diagnosis is a bad thing. Some of the things that make him different are the very things I love about him, so I will have to try to find a way to put that into words.

And it's odd, but over the past few months, he has started to come out of his shell for the first time. He goes to group therapy for Asperger's once a week where they try to teach them how to interact with others, enter a conversation, deal with bullies, etc. and I can see that it helps him. But at the same time, it breaks my heart because his first attempts at making contact w/children his own age have not always been successful, and as a mom, I hurt for him. But, he's becoming a young man, so I know I can't protect him from these types of situations and I just try to see the positive side - and that is that he's making these attempts at all.

Now, if I could just get him and his older 12yo sister (with ADD) to stop the constant bickering/fighting!

I was considering starting a poll, but have found that one similar to my intention has been running already.
*Is* Asperger's just a bad thing, a dysfunction to be coped with?

In the forum "Friendship and General Social Interaction" is a poll thread
"Wanting to be NT"

The two options on one side:
"Are you happy being different?"
"Yes! I'm proud of my neurodiversity. "

Are more than 2:1 ahead of the total of dissenting options.

OK, it's not a bed of roses, but most people (here) think, overall, it's the better way to be. Interesting, that.

Are you sure that they did not tell him in the program he's been in in the past month? I mean, if he's surrounded with a group of people with AS, is it possible they might have pointed out their group mainly deals with AS?

But that said, there are a lot of good things you can point out about it. There is widespread belief that Bill Gates, for one, has AS, as well as many of the greatest scientists of all time (Isaac Newton, etc.). They're responsible for many of the great accomplishments in society. For a famous persons list, check out http://www.geocities.com/richardg_uk/famousac.html . People with AS have IQs that range from average to extraordinary, so you could say that their IQs, on average, are higher than the general population.

Good luck.

I like the idea of "neurodiversity". I haven't told my 9 y/o about his dx, and I really don't plan to at this point. When he asks why people treat him badly, I tell him the truth that they are rude and have bad manners and then I follow up with how to handle the situation in the future. On the flip side, when he is rude and uses bad manners I discuss it with him and try to teach how to treat people better.

The only reason I use the label "AS" is to procure services at school my son needs. At 9 y/o my son has no way to comprehend what an AS dx means to him. Perhaps when he is older, and I feel he is able to comprehend without being completely devastated, I will explain to him what an awesome, amazing gift he has. In the meantime, I do my best to teach him how to use this gift to the best of his ability without any emotionally damaging "label."

You know, when it comes down to it we are all different, AS, NT, OCD, ODD, ADD, ADHD alike. As we get older we become set in our ways, become our own person. We don't always follow the Joneses (a.k.a. Lemmings) or even care what other people think of us. It really doesn't matter in the end. What matters the most is if we are happy with who we are and the way we are living our lives. That is all.