Disturbing Passages in Holy Books

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Everyone loves sexy angels.

I think there’s too many problems in the Bible for it to be anything more than what it appears to be - a collection of books written by people whose questionable morality and views came from their unique times and places, not from a deity.

There’s the whole lack of evidence thing, too, but my atheism started with the Bible, not science. As a fundamentalist homeschooler, my science education was awful, but I’ve gradually made my way.

King Solomon's Harem and Just Punishment

After King David and Bathsheba were punished by God killing their son, "David consoled his wife Bathsheba and went to her and lay with her, and she bore a son, and he named him Solomon. The Lord loved him" (2 Samuel 12:24).

After David's death, Solomon was made king. He prayed for wisdom so he could make wise judgments and decisions (maybe worthy of a separate post). Anyway, God liked that Solomon made such a request, so at 1 Kings 3:10-14, he said “Because you have asked this and have not asked for yourself long life or riches or for the life of your enemies but have asked for yourself understanding to discern what is right, 12 I now do according to your word. Indeed, I give you a wise and discerning mind; no one like you has been before you, and no one like you shall arise after you. 13 I give you also what you have not asked, both riches and honor all your life; no other king shall compare with you. 14 If you will walk in my ways, keeping my statutes and my commandments, as your father David walked, then I will lengthen your life.”

Wise King Solomon started collected wives and concubines - "among his wives were seven hundred princesses and three hundred concubines" which seems a teensy bit excessive to me, but I'm not a man.

Sadly, "his wives turned away his heart" (1 Kings 11:3).

A lot of his wives were foreigners who worshiped other gods. God didn't mind Solomon having a harem; he just didn't like that they were nonbelievers and that he was being led astray to worship other gods. It was clearly against the rules he had already stipulated. Apparently, Solomon's wisdom was no match for his dick.

God punishes Solomon by punishing his son. 11-13 Therefore the Lord said to Solomon, “Since this has been your mind and you have not kept my covenant and my statutes that I have commanded you, I will surely tear the kingdom from you and give it to your servant. 12 Yet for the sake of your father David I will not do it in your lifetime; I will tear it out of the hand of your son. 13 I will not, however, tear away the entire kingdom; I will give one tribe to your son for the sake of my servant David and for the sake of Jerusalem, which I have chosen.”

Once again, that's super fair.

There was a Simpsons joke where The Bible states that we're not supposed to use the bathroom. Most people say that it's just The Simpsons and it's satire humor.

Believe it or not, there is a passage that states the proper method of disposing of excrement so if you're using a toilet, you're going to hell. As if we already don't have a million other reasons why we're going to hell. Some people are sadly going to Hell just for existing.

It goes like this: you're supposed to dig a hole in a designated area away from your home, relieve yourself, and then bury the feces.

Source: Deuteronomy 23:12-13

In my former church, we had weekly Bible readings in which we gradually worked through the whole Bible and discussed each passage although the worst bits were typically glossed over with absurd apologist reasoning or ignored altogether. Anyway, with this specific passage, they'd talk about how wonderful the wisdom from God was in keeping people from getting sick, as if people couldn't have figured out that excrement was gross and unhealthy on their own.

I could always relate to Jonah except for the being swallowed by a large fish part. Like Jonah, I would've preferred undertaking a dangerous ship voyage to engaging in preaching/public speaking/telling people they're wicked, that sort of thing.

Jonah 1-3 Now the word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai, saying, 2 “Go at once to Nineveh, that great city, and cry out against it, for their wickedness has come up before me.” 3 But Jonah set out to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish; so he paid his fare and went on board, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the Lord. 4 But the Lord hurled a great wind upon the sea, and such a mighty storm came upon the sea that the ship threatened to break up.

Clearly, only one thing could be done:

15 they picked Jonah up and threw him into the sea, and the sea ceased from its raging. 16 Then the men feared the Lord even more, and they offered a sacrifice to the Lord and made vows.

17 But the Lord provided a large fish to swallow up Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Jonah prayed to God, flattering him and stuff like that. "Then Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited Jonah out onto the dry land." (Jonah 2:10) Then he went and did what God asked of him. Happily, "when God saw...how [the Ninevites] turned from their evil ways, God changed his mind about the calamity that he had said he would bring upon them, and he did not do it" (Jonah 3:10). For some inexplicable reason this bothers Jonah. Maybe the stomach acid from the fish vomit eroded his brain. It's hard to say.

Anyway, moral of the story: when you decide not to do what God tells you to do, try to avoid going on sailboats, cruise ships, or whale-watching excursions.

So...if God orders you to be televangelist and to go on TV...and you try to escape...by...going to live in the backwoods of Alaska ...you will be hijacked, and long story short...you will end up in front of a TV camera.

Hmmm...so Jonah was ordered to go east from Israel to Ninevah in Assyria (it what is now inland Iraq).

So Jonah books a ship to go the opposite way...to sail west to Tarshish...a Phonecian colony in a southern Spain.

But a whale swallows him somewhere on the way...but the whale pukes him on dry land near Nineveh?

The fish or whale would have had to take a long circuitous route. Swam westward out of the Mediterreanean down the Atlantic coast of Africa...round the cape of good hope...up the Indian ocean coast of Africa...up the Persian Gulf, and then entered fresh water...swam up the Euphrates River into inland Iraq, and then barfed him up...alive and intact...at the docks of Nineveh.

^ And all within 3 days.

https://youtu.be/i0vEgU88IQQ

^ Yeah, pretty much. I'm fascinated by what believers choose to believe and follow as opposed to that which they don't. It seems to come down to personal preference, which probably relates to their environment, including religious background, lived experience, and perhaps innate character qualities, but it can get very petty depending on the individual and denomination. It's very interesting to me.

I grew up believing that stuff like the Jonah account and the Great Flood really happened.

Godly wisdom of King Solomon. This story comes directly after God blesses King Solomon with wisdom after Solomon prays for it. No baby dies in this story; his life is only threatened in the presence of his mother. My cousins and I put on a play of the narrative in front of our family because that's what fundamentalist kids do. The baby was a Cabbage Patch doll.

1 Kings 3:16-28 Later, two women who were prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. 17 The one woman said, “Please, my lord, this woman and I live in the same house, and I gave birth while she was in the house. 18 Then on the third day after I gave birth, this woman also gave birth. We were together; there was no one else with us in the house; only the two of us were in the house. 19 Then this woman’s son died in the night because she lay on him. 20 She got up in the middle of the night and took my son from beside me while your servant slept. She laid him at her breast and laid her dead son at my breast. 21 When I rose in the morning to nurse my son, I saw that he was dead, but when I looked at him closely in the morning, clearly it was not the son I had borne.” 22 But the other woman said, “No, the living son is mine, and the dead son is yours.” The first said, “No, the dead son is yours, and the living son is mine.” So they argued before the king.

23 Then the king said, “The one says, ‘This is my son who is alive, and your son is dead,’ while the other says, ‘Not so! Your son is dead, and my son is the living one.’ ” 24 So the king said, “Bring me a sword,” and they brought a sword before the king. 25 The king said, “Divide the living boy in two; then give half to the one and half to the other.” 26 But the woman whose son was alive said to the king, because compassion for her son burned within her, “Please, my lord, give her the living boy; certainly do not kill him!” The other said, “It shall be neither mine nor yours; divide it.” 27 Then the king responded, “Give her the living boy; do not kill him. She is his mother.” 28 All Israel heard of the judgment that the king had rendered, and they stood in awe of the king because they perceived that the wisdom of God was in him to execute justice.

I always heard that was a parable of the kingdom being split in two by Solomons sons.A bit rusty here.
He could have used a better example than let’s chop a kid in two.