Define bullying

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This discussion seems pointless as you aren't even listening to what I'm saying

Yes, I am listening, but you are saying two different things.

This is a complex question in fact, and a good question.

As someone who was bullied all the way through school. I understand now that I was especially vulnerable to it because I didn't understand this social dynamic, I reacted badly so it only got worse. I had no way of relating to anyone, so I was easy prey. I am so streetwise not, it is a drastic transformation.

Now I do understand the dynamic between ribbing, and bulling it is not an easy to understand. However ribbing is a two way thing where each party is complicit an it is an amicable exchange of banter.

Personally when I do ribbing I make it so absurd, there is no confusion. If there is, I am clear by mentioning it is a wind up. It is weird thing but is a an important part of social affirmation in many cultures (though it varies between cultures).

This is not a defense of bulling, just a practical reality: If you want to limit (not eliminate) the chance of bulling, you have to try and not let people know this bothers you, and preferably not caring. It is easier said than done, but the old saying is true, they are looking for a reaction and they feed off that reaction. Just have look at trolling on boards. The best thing you can do is act like they are not there.

My other recommendation, is try an do activities, in a different social setting outside this environment. Something that is you own, nothing to do with them, so you have a life outside.

Personally for me it was martial arts. It really help build my confidence. However at the start it was really difficult. I enjoyed myself but gave me a lot of apprehension, before. I felt that way for the first two years. I just had to force myself to persevere. I don't want you to think these thing are an instant fix.

My view is childhood is very overrated, as an adult I can control situation better. If those situation occur now you don't have to let it dominate. It also the reason why I am self employed. I can control my relationships better. I wouldn't do any other way. I need breather from people anyway.

If are intelligent you can work out the social dynamic eventually, and will be better prepared, and manipulate it in your favour. You have to play to you strengths. You are not going to have that instant inherent behavior, but you can have an understanding of their behavior that they are not necessarily aware of.

I gave a more specific definition involving intent to humiliate

you seem to want to contradict whatever is said

has someone accused you of bullying them for wearing cologne?

I get the impression something's happened for you to be so worked up about the subject

I'm not worked up, I'm simply discussing it. No, as I said before no one has accused me of anything, I was using examples off the top of my head. I do not want to contradict whatever is said, I'm stating my view of it and telling you how I see what you have written. Nothing has happened to me at all, and if it had I certainly wouldn't be needing a definition from a forum to fix it. I simply see so many references on here to bullying and see people define so many things as bullying from their kid not getting an invitation to a birthday party all the way to somebody stuffing them in a locker that I do believe it's a topic that should be addressed.

My kids weren't bullied in school and I'm very glad of that, but I did see a "bully box" at the elementary school where you could report bullying anonymously and while that is a very good idea and I think it should be in all schools, it makes me wonder how they will decide what is and isn't bullying. Back then, when my kids were in elementary school, I thought that everyone had a plain, straightforward idea and definition of what bullying is. Now that I'm here and see so much stuff that isn't called "bullying" I see that a lot of people do not. An example is that one woman on YouTube who has AS and makes all these videos about how cars actually driving down her street is bullying her. Yes, she said that loud cars driving down her street are bullying her and I think she believes that. They are annoying her, but unless it's a specific person who is doing that just to bother her then it's not bullying, and from watching the videos it doesn't seem to be a specific person.

The whole "if you feel bullied then you are being bullied" idea will do nothing but create a culture of victims. It won't help anyone, and it will make those who are actually being bullied and being hurt by it, not be taken seriously. So many kids now commit suicide over being bullied that it's something that must be addressed and stopped and brought to the attention of everyone, kids included, but we can't do that unless we have a definition of it. Workplace bullying is something that seems to be a new idea. Up until recently, when you were an adult you were expected to work out your problems yourself and not expect someone else to come to your rescue because someone hurt your feelings. Now, I know that workplace bullying is real and it's not something that should be tolerated and there should be policies against it, but so many people nowdays seem to take everything so personally and so seriously that it's no wonder that people snap and shoot up their offices.

It's something that has always been around and probably always will be but that doesn't mean it should be tolerated. You can't stop something though if you don't have a definition of what it is. If I have a house full of kids here and one accuses the other of bullying, how am I going to know what punishment to dole out if I can't even define it? How are schools supposed to stop it if there is no definition? Shouldn't there be a level of seriousness that has to be crossed? Can we punish a kid by suspending him if he doesn't allow another kid to play Hot Wheels at recess? Can we punish him for calling another kid a name? How serious is the offense and how serious should the punishment be? None of those things can be answered if we don't know what exactly bullying is.

Just because I'm discussing something doesn't mean it's happened to me. I've been bullied really, really bad in the past. I think I can define what bullying is, and everybody thinks they have a definition for it as well, but where do we draw the line? I agree with you about the intent, but that is always going to be hard to prove in cases like this just like in legal cases. I'm not saying we should have a list of what exactly not to do and which actions are bullying, that would be impossible. I'm just wondering where being rude ends or not liking someone ends and bullying begins. That was the topic I wanted to discuss. I've seen so much on here about it and in the news, etc, that I thought it would be interesting. Just like my spanking thread or my rebel flag thread. I wasn't accused of child abuse because I had spanked my kids when they were younger and nobody has called me a racist for wearing a Dixie Outfitters shirt. Those were just interesting topics. Not everything is meant to be taken personally.

I've said all I want to say on the matter as this is winding me up now as it's a triggering subject for me.

So I'll leave the field clear for whoever else wants to comment.

I asked the same thing on my FB, and a friend of mine who is a special needs kids teacher said that it's something that's done to hurt or weaken someone else. I asked her about the "if you feel bullied then you are" thing and she said no, the bully has to go out of their way to do it.

If you don't mind my asking, what happened at work that was the bullying?

I came very close to punching the woman, that's how angry she made me so let's just say her treatment of
me made me feel very angry

She kept finding fault when there was no way I could be expected to know everything

She said 'Everything I've asked you you dont' seem to know'

I said 'I can't know what I don't know'

she said 'Well you dont' seem to know anything'

She stood right next to me while I was sitting at my desk trying to work, speaking on her mobile phone to someone so that I
could hear every word of the phonecall (never had that happen ion the workplace before ever). The conversation was about another worker and the woman she spoke to said 'Oh we don't like her, we want to get rid of her'

Why on earth did she need to be standing right next to me, leaning over my desk if not to ensure I heard what was being said?
Talk about getting in someone's personal space!

This is a manager who had been telling me I wasn't getting things done quickly enough - how on earth was this helping?

She also interrupted when I was on the phone to a supplier ordering stuff, so that I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing.

then when she gave her statement of events she actively lied ie made up stuff that never happened

The woman was an out and out bully and I don't really care whether you consider it bullying or not
as all you will be doing is confirming my theory that people often side with the bully - it's human nature
unfortunately

And this is the very behaviour that will ensure more school shootings so carry on...

That doesn't sound very nice at all what she did. I don't know if that was just being an ass or bullying, but nobody is siding with her. She might just be one of those a**hole, in your face, managers who have trouble keeping employees. Her bosses know if she is, or they will find out soon enough. Maybe you sometimes see things when they aren't there, because I'm not siding with anyone, I simply asked you what happened and you start in on how my very behavior is going to cause more school shootings. I think that chick needs to be taken down a few pegs. But, what do I know, human nature, right? Of course I'm siding with her even though I said it was wrong, I suppose.

Perspective.

It's complicated but I will try. Bullying would be if someone is trying to make someone feel bad or threatens someone to do something or else. It also is trying to egg someone to do something they don't wanna do and make them feel bad for it. One example would be someone is against the rules, these group of kids tell a kid to do it and the kid refuses because it's against the rules so they try and make him feel bad and like a wussy for being a rule follower so he will give in and do it.

I also find manipulation is bullying. Doing guilt trips or trying to make someone feel bad or making them second guess themselves so they will do what you want is bullying to me.

Teasing is a form of bullying but not always, if it's playful, not bullying. Sometimes bullying is done without intent because someone can be teasing someone and having fun and the person doesn't like it but they keep on doing it after they have been told to stop.

Taking advantage of someone can be bullying.

I don't consider sending creepy messages as bullying or someone being pushy or someone who won't stop calling you just to talk or someone sending you emails just to talk, or showing someone up or exposing the truth about someone because they were being deceitful and lying so you expose it to everyone because they are lying to you on the forum making you out to be bad so you expose the truth about they were denying. I also don't consider it bullying to rant about someone or to express yourselves about a person when you are just talking, I don't consider posting silly websites like people of Walmart or too big for a stroller as bullying or STFU parents, or someone just being rude or not wanting to play with someone or talk to them or someone just being annoying. If they were doing it just to annoy you and to piss you off, yeah I would find it fair to call it bullying. But if they were just refusing to comply to you because what they are doing is part of life like cutting their grass for example, not bullying. But if they were cutting it when it didn't need it and they were just doing it to upset you, then I would call it bullying but if they were cutting it because it needed it, not bullying. If they were doing it at night or too early in the morning, they are just being rude, not a bully. I wouldn't say someone who refuses to bath is bullying. I also don't think defending yourself is bullying nor standing up for yourself. I also don't think giving out an honest opinion when someone asks for it is bullying.

It was bullying as far as I'm concerned and the solicitors who are representing me think I hae a case against my employer for sacking me after I disclosed my Aspergers as they said they couldn't make the adjustments needed to enable me to work there even though I ahdn' asked for msot of the adjustments they brought up and had been working thee for 2 months with no one having a problem with my work, including my actual manager who said she thought I was doing well.

This bullying cover manager even gave me a funny look the moment she met me; sort of incredulous, like she couldn't believe a person like me had got past the interview or something or that she'd come across me before and it worried her that I was now an employee there; either way I knew she was an unpleasant, intolerant person right from the moment we met.

Well Nessa, I'm only getting your side of the story but if what you say is true then she was a complete b***h to you.

If it was me this is what I would've wanted to say if I was you.

Unpleasant Manager: 'Well you dont' seem to know anything'

Nessa: You're right, I do not know anything. Since it is true that I do not know anything Ms. Unpleasant Manager, then how is it possible for me to know that I do not know anything?

Nessa Continues: Since I know I do not know anything and you're correct on this and I know you're correct will you write me up a letter stating exactly what you said so I can claim SSDI benefits?

How do you think she would've reacted if I asked this?

Not sure

My brain doesn't think calmly when I'm worked up

I reacted by getting angry, shouting and swearing at her - which got me suspended
then sacked after I disclosed my Aspergers and they realised they could use it against me

I have been sent the employer defence to my statement of my case for the employment tribunal

their defence covers 30 points and I've got to do a response to this defence, which will take ages

All it does it bring it all back and make me feel bad all over again as it's like reliving it all,
so I keep putting it off

Nessa, this is what you state occurred.

Fact 1. You became angry.
Fact 2. You displayed your anger.
Fact 3. You shouted at a manager who was your boss
Fact 4. You swore at her.

How do you figure you were sacked for your aspergers instead of facts 1-4? What are your premises that lead to your conclusions that you were fired for your aspergers instead facts 1-4? I do not follow your logic or your reasoning.

Er because that's what it said in the letter of dismissal

- that they were dismissing me because they could not make the adjustments to enable me to work there

I was not disciplined and was not suspended for disciplinary reasons

I think your facts should start with the way the manager acted towards me as well - I didn't become angry out of nowhere - she provoked it and even my own Doctor said most people would have become annoyed at being treated like that.

She wasn't my manager either; she was a cover manager for the week

This is exactly what I mean - the bully is invariably sided with

On an Asperger's board too, this is highly ironic, but expected as people are the same basically, whatever their condition

The writer Charles Bukowski relates in his novel 'Ham on Rye' how a neighbour's dog has a cat cornered and is going to attack it. Other neighbours are watching and waiting for the attack to start ie they don't want the cat saved; on the contrary they want to watch the attack for entertainment. Charles Bukowski notes that most people are like this ie the type that want the cat to die - I agree with this. You are demonstrating it clearly here but I suspect this metaphor will not register with you anyway so it's a bit pointless raising it. I always bear it in mind though and it helps me deal with things remembering 'Most people want the cat to die' - bear this in mind and you'll never go wrong with most people. I'm one of the rare types who would try and save it.

I sometimes wonder why I bother with this board to be quite honest as I have nothing in common with the majority - they seem no different in attitude to the average NT to me and as a result I can often find the experience oppressive and depressing

I enjoy being able to support others but when I need support it can be a different story

I feel depressed now and am going back to bed so thanks a lot for making me feel worse

A lot of people on here are bullies themselves and rather than tell them exactly what I think of them I'm withdrawing, which should please the people who go on about me beign a constant poster on this board no end!

Yes, that's another example of the bullying types on here

The only difference is, I don't go running to the mods when people treat me like s**t on here

You're trying to apply pure logic to a purely emotional response. Bullying is an irrational behavior often intended to elicit an irrational response. The only logical thing about it is that the bully knows he or she can derive pleasure from it.

Logic is irrelevant to people like that. Reason is ineffective against the unreasonable.