A portal to Hell opened up in my kitchen.

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Cash__
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01 Jun 2018, 4:57 pm

Quote:

- Can you turn tap water into holy water by praying over it, or do you need to be a minister or something?

Yes. Unless its Flint Michigan tapwater. That water is from the very pits of hell.

Quote:

- How do you get the smell of brimstone out of fabric? My neighbor Margaret created a portal to Hell a few months ago by tying buttered toast to her cat. To this day, her carpet still smells like brimstone even though she has used every cleaning product under the sun.

The smell of cat pee can kill any odor. Have their cat pee all over it.

Quote:

- The Devil says that he will only leave my kitchen if I get him some Lay's WOW Chips, but they haven't been sold since 1998. Do you know where I could find some?

The devil is the father of lies. Give him some regular Lay's and tell him they are Lay's WOW Chips. When you reveal your decepetive and he sees your superior lying abilities, he will leave ashamed.

Quote:

- What do demons eat? They won't stop licking my butter, and so I'm thinking that I could lure them into the yard with some sausages or perhaps something else.

I think they eat souls. So fill the house full of Gingers. Everyone knows that Gingers don't have souls. With no more souls/food around he will leave.

Quote:

- Should I call the fire department? I'm not sure if Hellfire can be extinguished with a hose.

First have the tanker truck blessed so its a four inch stream of holy water. Unless its Flint Michigan water. That'll just add fuel to the fire.

AstroPi
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02 Jun 2018, 4:42 am

Cash__ wrote:

The smell of cat pee can kill any odor. Have their cat pee all over it.

Well, if you have a cat, you can pray over him first, making his pee holy. Then sprinkle him with your tap water, and run. This should solve both of your problems.

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naturalplastic
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02 Jun 2018, 10:21 am

Hellgate opened up in your kitchen?

Not much that you can do about it.

On the plus side: you get free geothermal heating for your home.

auntblabby
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03 Jun 2018, 4:14 am

needs a drummer.

Trogluddite
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04 Jun 2018, 12:16 pm

How did it go with the dinner party guests (aside from the lack of Kraft Dinner)? I hope they were suitably impressed by the "entertainment" that you laid on for them! :skull:

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Gbgeorgia1
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06 Jun 2018, 2:53 pm

DarthMetaKnight wrote:

Guys. I need your help. A portal to Hell just opened up in my kitchen. The brimstone is getting all over my new curtains and it smells like crap. The Devil is right here right now and he's stealing all of the Kraft Dinner that I was saving up for my dinner party. I tried calling the cops, but they didn't do anything because the cops are all pawns of the globalist new world order. They basically told me that I was lying when I phoned them, so they are obviously working for the NWO.

I'm not precisely sure how the portal opened. Perhaps it opened because I put metal in the microwave. I guess that's why you aren't supposed to do that. You learn something new every day I guess! I certainly did!

Anyways, I need your advice on some things.

- Can you turn tap water into holy water by praying over it, or do you need to be a minister or something?
- How do you get the smell of brimstone out of fabric? My neighbor Margaret created a portal to Hell a few months ago by tying buttered toast to her cat. To this day, her carpet still smells like brimstone even though she has used every cleaning product under the sun.
- The Devil says that he will only leave my kitchen if I get him some Lay's WOW Chips, but they haven't been sold since 1998. Do you know where I could find some?
- What do demons eat? They won't stop licking my butter, and so I'm thinking that I could lure them into the yard with some sausages or perhaps something else.
- Should I call the fire department? I'm not sure if Hellfire can be extinguished with a hose.

All advice would be appreciated. Thank you so much for your assistance.

Usually demons or the devil want to exchange something for a soul, have you tried that ?

Misslizard
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07 Jun 2018, 9:03 am

Use the demon for a hot plate,no need to crank up the stove.Just do not use the demons spigot for hot water,it’s not water.

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Fnord
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07 Jun 2018, 9:34 am

NotDarthMetaKnight wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Is the devil a hot lady?

Nope. He's a fat manchild who burps loudly without saying "excuse me". In other words, he is like a typical Satanist Donald J. Trump.

There ... fixed it for you!

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naturalplastic
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07 Jun 2018, 12:13 pm

Fnord wrote:

NotDarthMetaKnight wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Is the devil a hot lady?

Nope. He's a fat manchild who burps loudly without saying "excuse me". In other words, he is like a typical Satanist Donald J. Trump.

There ... fixed it for you!

Yeah. You cant utter the phrase "fat manchild" without folks expecting you to drop the other shoe, and say "with orange hair". :lol:

Kinda like how you cant look at a bottle of chianti displayed in a store without thinking of "Silence of the Lambs".

auntblabby
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07 Jun 2018, 4:30 pm

he wouldn't go well with fava beans.

Misslizard
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07 Jun 2018, 4:35 pm

No he would not,he’d be all gristly and fatty with a bad aftertaste.
Hannibal would rather have a veggie burger.

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auntblabby
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07 Jun 2018, 4:42 pm

he might taste somewhat like bear :eew: I wonder how much more we can bear?

Misslizard
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07 Jun 2018, 5:00 pm

Lol I had a friend that took a bite of bbq bear, she said the more she chewed,the bigger the chunk seemed to get.Trumpesque.
On a side note, wild game can be tasty if cooked right.No chance of that with Trump,not even a marinade would help.

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AngelRho
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07 Jun 2018, 5:16 pm

auntblabby
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07 Jun 2018, 5:34 pm

i tried bear once, it made me gag.

Trogluddite
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07 Jun 2018, 5:41 pm

Misslizard wrote:

with Trump,not even a marinade would help

How typical of the anti-Trump brigade - rude comments about his bizarre skin colour again! :wink:

Of course, any good chef knows that 'a l'orange' is for the marination of duck (Donald?); though the vanilla cotton candy garnish is a nice haute-cuisine touch, I think. :lol:

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