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Your Astrological Reading for Friday
Courtesy of  This Horoscope Generator 

For Entertainment Purposes Only!

ARIES: Give up on your dreams, everyone else has. Your sudden sweet tooth is probably a sign of impending doom. Your next Career: Ventriloquist. You will be taken in by the glamour and glitz of online poker and develop carpal tunnel syndrome. You may be the coolest kid on the block, but that will change when you finally get your furnace fixed. Just in time, too; you have been shivering so fast, your friends think you are out of focus.

TAURUS: You will receive a phone call tonight. Wait for six rings before answering. You still believe that Trump was a visionary. Venus is making itself felt in your pants today. It will rain tomorrow. Guaranteed. What we used to call "life's failures" are now known as "teaching moments". Wear your best school clothes next Wednesday, because you are going to be the new textbook in class. If you are lucky, no one will draw obscene pictures on you until lunch.

GEMINI: Your father is not an astronaut. It is probably just a big freckle. No worries. Good things come in ones. No one makes eating noises quite like you. Usually, you are like rose petals across skin, soft and lovely. Next Thursday, though, you are a paperclip under the tongue: uncomfortable, pointy, and useless. Hang on, Karma will spit you out soon enough.

CANCER: Your father is not an astronaut. Quit whining about the pain, it only makes it worse for everyone else. Your next Career: Mortician. Aaaaah! There is a bug on your shoulder! Friday will be a good day, with no emergencies, no bad hair, no fender benders. You get a free pass from the universe that day, so do not screw it up by collapsing in shock. If you really cannot handle a stress-free day, hire a teenager to follow you around and comment on your decisions.

LEO: You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your nit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while doing it. You love to be seen talking on your cell phone. The phone is not actually turned on because you do not have any friends to call. Friendships and social circles will turn on you in the coming days. Your lucky number is 37. You have been banged up, so the Universe is taking extra care with you this week. Do not fight it; the bubble wrap is warm and cozy after a while, and it gives you something to pop.

VIRGO: Against all odds, you will accomplish a basic task. You eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures you do not understand. Your next career: Spit Polisher. Failure is certainly an option. Relax. It is not your job to keep the world spinning, you just need to give it a freewheeling slap every now and then. It will be fine while you prop up your feet for a few days and check out what is new on Hulu.

LIBRA: Yeah, she was talking about you. You mumble while describing philosophical concepts. You will find it in the last place you look for it. It will rain somewhere tomorrow. Guaranteed. A great journey begins with just one step, and you have tied your own shoes together. Get the knots in your life worked out, unless you want to bunny hop all the way to enlightenment.

SCORPIO: Love is in the air this week. My suggestion to you is to buy an air freshener and some antiseptic for extra comfort. If you are feeling the love, just the antiseptic or even perhaps break that twenty and spend some extra money on some two-ply for extra bonus points. Yes, my friend, this week you may want to look your best because someone has noticed how hot you are. You MUST seize this opportunity because by next week you will lose your chance. I know in relationships it is usually all about YOU; however, this time you need to try. Buy the one you love some flowers, chocolate, a puppy, or a beer. If you do, it will make you both slap-happy. You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You were visited by aliens last night and, based on you, they found our species not worth investigating further. There is no one else like you, thank God. You have never been a Barbie or a Ken; you are more like a Russian nesting doll of secret identities. Whip out the fake mustaches and have some fun with your brand of crazy this week.

OPHIUCHUS: The body under the couch is starting to smell. There is someone living in your walls. And he is pissed. Your next Career: Park Security. Hide the porn. Actions speak louder than words, and your entire wardrobe is screaming "intervention". Next time, do not ask your next door neighbor in the tube top and 80s Hammer pants to be your personal shopper. Go for the guy dressed in trash bags instead. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Baked goods are in abundance. Repent! You know how to play the game, and you know the score. What you do not know is how to sneak into the shower and steal all the towels. Time to find that one friend who always has a brain full of bad ideas. You know the one.

SAGITTARIUS: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and will not be worth a crap. You love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Your next career: Gangster Florist. Aaaaah! There is a bug on your shoulder! You are only in trouble if they catch you, so soup up that Segway and flee before your roommates discover you have erased their Netflix passwords off every TV and computer in the house. With luck, they are too weak from binging 'Stranger Things' to chase you to the Upside Down.

CAPRICORN: Someone at school or work may hit on you. Unfortunately, you do not find that person attractive (is it that one eye that is bigger than the other?). You should hang out with them anyway because you will be surprised how much you learn! You may increase your knowledge about the beginning of the industrial revolution or learn about the REAL ingredients in mustard to different sex positions that all include wheat products or what to do when you get stabbed with a pencil! Jump at this opportunity!

AQUARIUS: Tighten the caps on all your medications. Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. Baked goods are in abundance. Stay away from dairy products. So your idea for the Ham-n-Cheese Snuggie did not work. Do not give up! The world may beat down your door for your next big project, the Pizza Roll Pillow. Never underestimate the laziness of a culture too winded to make it to the fridge.

PISCES: You will come into a nice automobile. Make sure to clean up before the owner finds out. You are hardworking, reliable, and dull as Hell. You have a stepsister living in Mobile, Alabama. She is coming over for dinner tonight. Your every fleeting thought is a pearl. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you are worried that it is a train. Relax, it is just someone who cannot find Wi-Fi signal. Team up with them, because they have an HBO Go account and a love for Game of Thrones.

I hear Jeff Bezos would like to sell us some rope.

Show Spoiler

Thanks Major George Racey Jordan, it's not actually a Lenin quote but it's still pretty solid.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

He replied, "I doubt it.  Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied . . .

Q: Why was astrology invented?

Q: How do you tell the difference between an Astronomer and an Astrologer?

A: Ask them both, "How do stars die?"  The Astronomer will give a short lecture about how supernovae form neutron stars and black holes, while the Astrologer wil say, . . .

A woman stops by her friend's house for supper.

"Where have you been all day?" the friend asks.

"Funny you should ask", says the woman. "My horoscope said that my ex would pop up today."

"Have you seen him?" asks the friend.

"Not yet", replies the woman . . .

An anti-vaxxer got a call from his Doctor.

The doctor said, "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it is not good news."

"Nonsense", replied the anti-vaxxer. "I do not trust your pharmaceutical industry.  My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."

"Fair enough, in that case tell me your star sign." said the doctor.

The anti-vaxxer replied "My star sign is Cancer."

The doctor said, . . .

Q: How do you tell the difference between an Astrologer and an Astronomer?

A: Ask them both, "Which planet is the source of all human suffering?"  The Astrologer will say, "It depends on your star sign", while the Astronomer will say, . . .

Let's hope he loses his sense of smell.

^