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17 Jan 2023, 9:55 am
https://babylonbee.com/news/experts-say ... -one-thing
Experts Say They Don't Know What Thing Is Causing Everyone To Suddenly Collapse, But It's Definitely Not That One Thing
U.S. — Medical experts are absolutely stumped as to what could be causing the recent uptick in healthy, young people everywhere that are suddenly collapsing with heart failure. Despite their uncertainty, experts do feel confident that we can rule out that one thing as the culprit.
"It's too early to say what could be causing this, but it's never too early to say what isn't causing this," said local expert, Dr. Scott Rufflinger. "This could be caused by anything. But the one thing we know for certain is that it's definitely not what we're all thinking that's behind this — if you know what I mean. We can go ahead and rule that thing out right now because Science just called us on the phone and told us not to discuss it. We always follow Science."
According to sources, experts have been working tirelessly around the clock to try and get to the bottom of why so many seemingly perfectly healthy, athletic people are falling over suddenly. "I wish I could point to something in the past year or two that large groups of people were exposed to, or forced into, but nothing comes to mind," added Dr. Rufflinger. "If only there was one thing all these patients had in common."
At publishing time, experts said they had narrowed down the list of what most likely was causing these sudden health issues down to: climate change, racism, Christian Nationalism, standing up too quickly, standing up too slowly, and not eating enough bugs.
17 Jan 2023, 8:10 pm
18 Jan 2023, 9:15 am
https://babylonbee.com/news/unclear-whe ... yocarditis
Unclear Whether Grogu Collapsed Suddenly Due To Force Exertion Or Myocarditis
U.S. — In a leaked episode from the new season of The Mandolorian, it remains unclear whether Grogu collapsed from using too much of his force powers or if he just has myocarditis.
"It's safe to assume that Mando would have kept Grogu up to date on all his vaccines and boosters, so it's really hard to tell what the director is trying to convey here. Either they are trying to show that he's another victim of myocarditis or maybe he's just overly exerted his force powers," said local Star Wars fan Jake Pressley. "When we see someone collapse suddenly like that, everyone's mind goes to one thing."
"So does Mando need to get him to a doctor or to a Jedi right now? I just don't understand," added Jake's wife Claire. "I mean, we know how bad myocarditis can be for young children. I just don't know if Grogu can recover from this. If they kill off Baby Yoda we'll riot!"
According to sources, the Mandolorian is currently undergoing reshoots so that future episodes do not confuse the audience. Disney says that with the reshoots and edits, they hope to make it clear that Baby Yoda is just using too much of his magic space powers and has in no way injured his heart from an experimental medical treatment.
"We just wanted to use a convenient plot device so that Grogu isn't overpowered," said Dave Filoni. "We had no intention of scaring the audience as to baby Yoda's health like that."
At publishing time, Disney was forced to air a statement before each episode to clarify that vaccines do not exist in the Star Wars Universe and that fans need not worry about Grogu falling over dead suddenly.
18 Jan 2023, 2:30 pm
20 Jan 2023, 8:34 am
24 Jan 2023, 5:18 am
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 34,228
Location: Right over your left shoulder
24 Jan 2023, 9:57 pm
That moment you forget you're still logged into your main account when you post thinking you're logged into the sock puppet account. 
25 Jan 2023, 5:23 am
https://babylonbee.com/news/white-house ... house-sign
White House Proudly Hangs '1 Day Without Classified Documents Discovered At President's House' Sign
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In recognition of Biden's tremendous accomplishment of going one full day without more classified documents found at one of his residences, the White House has proudly hung a banner saying: "1 Day Without Classified Documents Being Discovered At President's House."
"From day one, the President has been very clear that going even one day without illegal materials being found at his home is a feat worth celebrating," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "We are proud to celebrate with the entire Biden family as we recognize somehow making it through an entire 24-hour period without more documents turning up!"
"Congratulations, Mr. President!"
Sources in Washington confirmed there will be a ceremony and a few remarks by the President this evening to celebrate the occasion. The ceremony will include some classified documents cake and some classified documents origami displays followed by a special reading of the classified documents.
UPDATE: The White House has been forced to take the banner down and cancel all festivities as more classified documents have been found at the President's home.
25 Jan 2023, 5:43 am
26 Jan 2023, 8:30 pm
https://babylonbee.com/news/netflix-nar ... hite-witch
Netflix 'Narnia' Adaptation To Feature First Black White Witch
LOS GATOS, CA — In a move celebrated by casual viewers but criticized by longtime fans of C.S. Lewis's children's book series The Chronicles Of Narnia, Netflix has released marketing materials confirming that The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe will feature the first-ever black White Witch.
"We wanted a more sympathetic approach to the famously white villain, and believe us – you're going to love the changes in store for each of Lewis's most beloved characters, which reflect the world we live in today." Showrunner Matthew Alrich wrote in a series of Tweets announcing the move. "We hope that sassy black girls everywhere will be able to see themselves in this powerful, sympathetic, and feminist take on a misunderstood character."
Details have also emerged confirming that Aslan would be reimagined as an atheist, Mx. Tumnus would explore his new identity as an oppressed trans-fawn, and Susan Pevensie will be in a queer polyamorous relationship with several Narnian misfits.
While much of the chatter around the production has centered around whether Netflix would make Narnia "the new Game Of Thrones," few anticipated the development of a race-reversed witch, presented as a misunderstood anti-hero. Filmmaker Rian Johnson voiced his support in a comment: "It's all about subversion, baby! Just look at my groundbreaking movie that reinvented Star Wars: The Last Jedi!"
At publishing time, Netflix announced they had bought the rights for Lewis's Surprised By Joy, a reflective memoir about Lewis grappling with his faith in the wake of his wife's death from cancer. Netflix says audiences will love their "fresh, modern take," and their story will follow Lewis as he abandons his dying wife to live his truth. The Year of Me will star Idris Elba as C.S. Lewis and is slated for release on the platform in 2024.
Canadian1911
Sea Gull
Joined: 20 Mar 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 228
Location: Getting ready to attack Fort Niagara!
26 Jan 2023, 8:38 pm
Mikah wrote:
ROFL.
28 Jan 2023, 10:20 am
magz wrote:
Senk Joe verrie mutsch for posting.
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 34,228
Location: Right over your left shoulder
28 Jan 2023, 4:14 pm
28 Jan 2023, 5:36 pm
28 Jan 2023, 10:40 pm
28 Jan 2023, 10:40 pm
Mikah wrote:
Obviously the safest place.
