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09 Apr 2023, 12:24 am
09 Apr 2023, 6:19 am
09 Apr 2023, 9:07 am
09 Apr 2023, 12:19 pm
10 Apr 2023, 3:43 am
https://babylonbee.com/news/matt-walsh- ... impossible
Matt Walsh Jumps Out Of Bushes At Easter Egg Hunt To Inform The Kids Bunnies Laying Eggs Is Biologically Impossible
NASHVILLE, TN — A local community Easter egg hunt ground to a halt yesterday as conservative commentator Matt Walsh kept jumping out from nearby bushes to inform the children that it's biologically impossible for a bunny to lay eggs.
"This is absurd. It's delusional. It's psychotic. You should be ashamed of yourselves," cried the popular Daily Wire host as he grilled young children with repeated and incisive questions, demonstrating definitively that they had not thought through the implications of believing bunnies could lay eggs. "How would you define a bunny? Because any sane biologist will tell you that no matter what kind of sick, twisted lies your parents tell you, the notion of a bunny laying an egg is ridiculous and immoral!"
Several terrified children were then seen running to their mothers.
Organizers of the egg hunt confirmed to local news that they had failed in their attempts to stop the bearded figure from growling out imprecations on the children, some of whom began weeping from the undeniable torrent of logical truth. Several kids continued crying even after Walsh explained to them that "truth is not bigotry."
At publishing time, the children at the local park escaped when Walsh paused his tirade to complete an advertisement reading for PureTalk, a conservative phone service provider, with promo code "WALSH" to save 20% on yearly fees.
10 Apr 2023, 9:53 am
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12 Apr 2023, 9:36 am
funeralxempire
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Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 34,238
Location: Right over your left shoulder
12 Apr 2023, 11:27 pm
12 Apr 2023, 11:43 pm
14 Apr 2023, 3:19 am
https://babylonbee.com/news/doctor-says ... behind-him
Doctor Says His Decision To Cancel All Gender Transition Surgeries Has Nothing To Do With Massive Pile Of Lawsuits Stacked Behind Him
BOSTON, MA — The office of Doctor Rodney Thorne has had a busy week telling patients he is no longer providing gender-affirming care to minors, while also emphasizing that the decision to cancel all gender transition surgeries has nothing to do with the massive pile of lawsuits stacked against the wall behind his office.
"Oh, those towering piles of legal complaints? They're, umm, totally unrelated to my former practice of cutting the genitals off minor children," said Dr. Thorne to reporters as a receptionist walked in and added a dozen more lawsuits to the piles teetering precariously behind him. "I'm transitioning my practice to focus on, err, spleens. Yes, I've always had a love for spleen surgeries."
Dr. Thorne explained how changing his surgical practice may leave a dent in his finances, and added that he may have to sell one of the yachts. His lawyer then leaned over and whispered in the doctor's ear.
"Well, I guess I won't be selling any yachts, as my assets are frozen, which has nothing to do with these lawsuits, which aren't even about gender transition surgeries to minors, they're lawsuits about dangerous microaggressions that I aggressed, and some of those papers are thank you letters from very happy patients that totally don't want to kill me and also I'm retiring tomorrow, I mean today."
At publishing time, Dr. Thorne's office had been boarded up and he had been seen trying to board a plane to Belize before a mob of kids whose lives had been destroyed by lucrative transition surgeries could catch him and tear off his limbs.
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 34,238
Location: Right over your left shoulder
14 Apr 2023, 9:46 am
14 Apr 2023, 5:58 pm
15 Apr 2023, 6:46 pm
16 Apr 2023, 11:06 am
16 Apr 2023, 3:20 pm
https://babylonbee.com/news/peppa-pigs- ... y-cemetery
Peppa Pig’s Family Vacation Ruined By Jesus Healing Demoniac At Nearby Cemetery
PEPPATOWN — Peppa Pig's family vacation took an unexpected turn for the worse after Jesus of Nazareth healed a nearby demoniac.
"Mommy Pig, why is Auntie Pig screaming and running into the sea?" asked Peppa Pig. "Oh wow, George Pig! How did you learn to spin your head all the way around like that?"
According to eyewitnesses, the Pig family had been enjoying a relaxing day building sandcastles before suddenly rushing to drown themselves in the sea. "I asked Peppa to please hand me the shovel, and then she shouted 'All hail Beelzebub!' and dashed into the water," said Rebecca Rabbit, sobbing. "What - what just happened?"
Citizens of the nearby village were reportedly furious that Jesus allowed the demons to go into the pigs. "Ugh, there went my kids' entertainment," said local man Abiah, son of Phineas. "Do you know how hard it is to get anything done with fourteen kids? They had all been happily watching those pigs play on the beach, and this Jesus guy had to ruin it by healing the town demoniac. Jesus has to go."
At publishing time, the villagers had asked Jesus on his way out to send a few demons to chase away this explorer named Dora.
