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17 Apr 2023, 3:10 pm
https://babylonbee.com/news/this-lgbt-s ... -nervously
'All This Woke Stuff Is Pretty Dumb, Am I Right Fellas?' MAGA Hat-Wearing Bud Light CEO Chuckles Nervously
ST LOUIS, MO — As beer sales continue to plunge in the wake of Bud Light's partnership with trans activist Dylan Mulvaney, Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth released a statement to entice customers to start buying Bud Light products again.
"Wow, all this woke stuff is pretty dumb, am I right, fellas?" said Whitworth, chuckling nervously into the camera. "And this LGBT stuff? Dang! Talk about gay! Go woke, go broke, I always say. Diversity is our strength! Um, I mean, I love America! What do you people want me to say again?"
"Please buy our beer," said the embattled CEO finally before breaking down in sobs.
Sources within the company confirmed that execs have been desperately working on damage control since the Mulvaney incident. "We need to make sure people know we're still the iconic American brand they know and love while still reaching out as allies to the LGBTQ+ activists so they don't dock our Corporate Inclusion Index score," said VP Seth Hawkins while shotgunning a beer and releasing a bald eagle for the cameras. "Please don't murder me, trans activists! I have kids!"
At publishing time, the company announced they had promoted their VP of Marketing Alissa Heinerscheid to President of Office Janitorial Services
17 Apr 2023, 4:36 pm
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funeralxempire
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20 Apr 2023, 5:59 am
https://babylonbee.com/news/sesame-stre ... -elmo-doll
Hasbro Introduces New ‘Transition Me Elmo’ Doll
NEW YORK, NY — The creative minds behind the long-running children's television show Sesame Street have partnered with Hasbro to come up with what they believe will be this year's hot new toy: the Transition Me Elmo doll.
"This is the perfect toy to give to children of any age!" said Samantha Maltin, Chief Marketing & Brand Officer at Sesame Workshop. "No matter the stage of your child's development, there's no wrong time to introduce them to the exciting new world of gender reassignment! Transition Me Elmo will have your youngster questioning their identity in no time!"
The new doll is set to coincide with Sesame Street's new push for inclusive subject matter, featuring the show's iconic characters embracing new ideas and worldviews to better train young minds to reject the most foundational concepts of science, family dynamics, and morality. "If beloved characters like Elmo, Oscar the Grouch, Big Bird, and Bert & Ernie aren't trusted to teach your children who they are and what gender and sexual roles define them as human beings, then who will?" Maltin continued.
The doll will not only offer young impressionable children the opportunity to transition Elmo to any number of genders but also play pre-recorded progressive lessons when various body parts are squeezed, such as:
I have boy parts, but I feel like I'm a girl!
You were born in the wroooooong body!
Puberty blockers have no side effects! He he he!
DEATH BEFORE DETRANSITION!
At publishing time, the creators of the doll were hoping to secure a guest appearance by TikTok personality Dylan Mulvaney to promote the doll on the show, since Mulvaney has become such a proven advertising commodity.
20 Apr 2023, 8:44 am
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21 Apr 2023, 10:49 am
