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funeralxempire
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Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 34,228
Location: Right over your left shoulder
28 Jun 2023, 9:59 pm
03 Jul 2023, 8:01 am
^ Did lol. Matt Walsh is too fun to tease.
https://babylonbee.com/news/matt-walsh- ... impossible
Matt Walsh Jumps Out Of Bushes At Easter Egg Hunt To Inform The Kids Bunnies Laying Eggs Is Biologically Impossible
NASHVILLE, TN — A local community Easter egg hunt ground to a halt yesterday as conservative commentator Matt Walsh kept jumping out from nearby bushes to inform the children that it's biologically impossible for a bunny to lay eggs.
"This is absurd. It's delusional. It's psychotic. You should be ashamed of yourselves," cried the popular Daily Wire host as he grilled young children with repeated and incisive questions, demonstrating definitively that they had not thought through the implications of believing bunnies could lay eggs. "How would you define a bunny? Because any sane biologist will tell you that no matter what kind of sick, twisted lies your parents tell you, the notion of a bunny laying an egg is ridiculous and immoral!"
Several terrified children were then seen running to their mothers.
Organizers of the egg hunt confirmed to local news that they had failed in their attempts to stop the bearded figure from growling out imprecations on the children, some of whom began weeping from the undeniable torrent of logical truth. Several kids continued crying even after Walsh explained to them that "truth is not bigotry."
At publishing time, the children at the local park escaped when Walsh paused his tirade to complete an advertisement reading for PureTalk, a conservative phone service provider, with promo code "WALSH" to save 20% on yearly fees.
04 Jul 2023, 7:44 am
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05 Jul 2023, 7:36 am
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06 Jul 2023, 4:46 am
https://babylonbee.com/news/awkward-rus ... each-other
Awkward: Russian And Ukrainian Soldiers Arrive At Same Nuclear Power Plant To Blow It Up And Blame On Each Other
UKRAINE — Things got awkward this morning after a Ukrainian soldier and a Russian Spetsnaz operator both arrived at Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant to blow it up and blame the other side for the ensuing disaster.
"Ohhhh, um, hi," said Russian Igor Popov to the explosive-laden Ukrainian soldier, also named Igor Popov. "What are you doing here, cousin? I'm just going for a nice stroll. Taking in the fresh nuclear power plant air, know what I mean?"
"Just pretend you didn't see me."
Expert anonymous sources on the internet claim that Ukraine is trying to blow up the plant, hoping the resulting nuclear meltdown will be blamed on the Russians so that NATO will join the fight and start WWIII. Other highly believable experts claim Russia is blowing up the plant so that Ukraine will get the blame for trying to start WWIII which will make them look really dumb so everyone will laugh at them.
At publishing time, the two soldiers decided to go ahead and blow up the power plant together as a team because "why the heck not."
WWIII is scheduled to begin next Tuesday.
ASPartOfMe
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Joined: 25 Aug 2013
Age: 68
Gender: Male
Posts: 39,637
Location: Long Island, New York
06 Jul 2023, 10:13 am
Mikah wrote:
https://babylonbee.com/news/awkward-russian-and-ukrainian-soldiers-arrive-at-the-same-nuclear-power-plant-to-blow-it-up-and-blame-on-each-other
Awkward: Russian And Ukrainian Soldiers Arrive At Same Nuclear Power Plant To Blow It Up And Blame On Each Other
UKRAINE — Things got awkward this morning after a Ukrainian soldier and a Russian Spetsnaz operator both arrived at Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant to blow it up and blame the other side for the ensuing disaster.
"Ohhhh, um, hi," said Russian Igor Popov to the explosive-laden Ukrainian soldier, also named Igor Popov. "What are you doing here, cousin? I'm just going for a nice stroll. Taking in the fresh nuclear power plant air, know what I mean?"
"Just pretend you didn't see me."
Expert anonymous sources on the internet claim that Ukraine is trying to blow up the plant, hoping the resulting nuclear meltdown will be blamed on the Russians so that NATO will join the fight and start WWIII. Other highly believable experts claim Russia is blowing up the plant so that Ukraine will get the blame for trying to start WWIII which will make them look really dumb so everyone will laugh at them.
At publishing time, the two soldiers decided to go ahead and blow up the power plant together as a team because "why the heck not."
WWIII is scheduled to begin next Tuesday.
Awkward: Russian And Ukrainian Soldiers Arrive At Same Nuclear Power Plant To Blow It Up And Blame On Each Other
UKRAINE — Things got awkward this morning after a Ukrainian soldier and a Russian Spetsnaz operator both arrived at Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant to blow it up and blame the other side for the ensuing disaster.
"Ohhhh, um, hi," said Russian Igor Popov to the explosive-laden Ukrainian soldier, also named Igor Popov. "What are you doing here, cousin? I'm just going for a nice stroll. Taking in the fresh nuclear power plant air, know what I mean?"
"Just pretend you didn't see me."
Expert anonymous sources on the internet claim that Ukraine is trying to blow up the plant, hoping the resulting nuclear meltdown will be blamed on the Russians so that NATO will join the fight and start WWIII. Other highly believable experts claim Russia is blowing up the plant so that Ukraine will get the blame for trying to start WWIII which will make them look really dumb so everyone will laugh at them.
At publishing time, the two soldiers decided to go ahead and blow up the power plant together as a team because "why the heck not."
WWIII is scheduled to begin next Tuesday.
06 Jul 2023, 2:50 pm
https://babylonbee.com/news/dc-police-s ... hite-house
DC Police Say They May Never Discover Who Left Bag Of Cocaine Labeled 'Property Of H. Biden' At White House
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference this morning, interim DC Police Chief Ashan Benedict said that while they have top investigators on the case, they may never know exactly who left a bag of cocaine labeled "Property of H. Biden" in the White House while Hunter Biden was there.
"Listen, this is a difficult case to solve," said Benedict to reporters. "The initial 'H' could be anyone. Hank, Herman, Harry... the possibilities are endless. We will do our best to solve this, but we need the American people to know that this extraordinarily difficult case might just be unsolvable forever."
Sources close to the case confirmed that police had planned to dust for fingerprints, but they accidentally lost their fingerprinting kit. They were then going to review security footage of the room where the hard drugs were found, but the tapes for that time period accidentally fell into a bucket of hydrochloric acid and were ruined. DNA tests also proved fruitless, as almost all of the DNA found in the White House belongs to Bill Clinton.
"This is a case that may haunt me for the rest of my life," said lead Detective Frank Drebin as several laser dots appeared on his forehead. "I'm completely stumped here. I really hate to see the bad guys get away like that."
At publishing time, DC Police had also lamented the unsolvable case of the dead hooker they just found buried in the Rose Garden.
07 Jul 2023, 10:07 am
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 34,228
Location: Right over your left shoulder
09 Jul 2023, 2:32 pm
