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12 Aug 2023, 3:05 pm
https://babylonbee.com/news/people-who- ... med-forces
Internet Users Who Call For Attacking Other Countries Will Now Be Enlisted In The Military Automatically
U.S. - A new policy issued by the United States Department of Defense, in conjunction with online platforms like Twitter and Facebook, will automatically enlist you to fight in a foreign war if you post your support for attacking another country.
People who bravely post about how the U.S. needs to invade some country in the Middle East or Asia or outer space will get a pop-up notice indicating they've been enlisted in the military. A recruiter will then show up at their house and whisk them away to fight in the foreign war they wanted to happen so badly.
"Frankly, recruitment numbers are down, and we needed some way to find people who are really enthusiastic about fighting wars," said a DOD official. "Then it hit us like a drone strike: there are plenty of people who argue vehemently for foreign intervention. It doesn't matter what war we're trying to create: Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, China---these people are always reliable supporters of any invasion abroad. So why not get them there on the frontlines?"
"After all, we want people who are passionate about occupying foreign lands, not grunts who are just there for the paycheck," he added.
Strangely, as soon as the policy was implemented, 99% of saber-rattling suddenly ceased.
13 Aug 2023, 10:56 am
15 Aug 2023, 5:06 am
https://babylonbee.com/news/study-finds ... ooden-ship
Study Finds 100% Of Men Would Immediately Leave Their Desk Job If Asked To Embark Upon A Trans-Antarctic Expedition On A Big Wooden Ship
U.S. — A new study has found that 100% of men would immediately leave their desk jobs if a daring explorer showed up at their place of work and said, "My lad, I am in need of bold adventurers to join me on my tall wooden ship as I attempt to traverse the entire continent of Antarctica."
The survey found that every single actual man on the planet would immediately log out of Slack, Trello, Zoom, and countless other productivity and connectivity apps, pack their things, and join the dangerous and deadly voyage without a second thought.
"Sit here in an air-conditioned office until I get a retirement party in 40 years, or else get on a wooden ship and land on the cold, harsh ice sheets of Antarctica, where I will certainly either encounter my doom or attain eternal glory for braving the elements and emerging victorious on the other side?" said Kyle Harper, an IT worker from Florida. "Bring on the Antarctic!" He immediately shut his laptop, went down to the harbor, and sailed away, never to be heard from again.
One man actually answered "no" to the survey and said he'd rather stay at his desk job, but he was later revealed to be trans.
A follow-up survey also found that 100% of men would immediately leave their jobs behind and go on a dangerous quest if a wizard showed up at their workplace and said the fate of the world is at stake and only by traveling the lands in search of the 7 Stones of Summoning can the great evil be stopped.
18 Aug 2023, 5:58 pm
18 Aug 2023, 7:06 pm
19 Aug 2023, 4:11 pm
https://babylonbee.com/news/deaths-caus ... d-suicides
Deaths Caused By Hurricane Hilary To Be Labeled Suicides
LOS ANGELES, CA — As Hurricane Hilary prepares to make landfall in Southern California, the World Meteorological Organization has announced that all deaths resulting from the storm will be ruled as suicides.
"We are seeing Hilary continue to weaken as it approaches the West Coast, so we have high hopes that it will not cause any, um... suicides," said meteorologist Fritz McBeely to reporters. "But we must be aware, this storm is highly unpredictable and could potentially suicide anyone foolish enough to stand in its way."
Local authorities in Los Angeles have warned their people to board up windows, stack sandbags, and refuse to testify against the hurricane in a court of law in order to avoid being suicided. "The threat is real," warned McBeely.
At publishing time, several weather sources had confirmed that they are struggling to track the storm as their weather prediction servers were mysteriously drenched in bleach and smashed with a hammer overnight.
The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Aug 2023, 5:27 am
Honey69 wrote:
We smell color.
21 Aug 2023, 8:27 am
21 Aug 2023, 3:41 pm
21 Aug 2023, 6:28 pm
23 Aug 2023, 8:05 am
Marjorie Greene actually posted this on her Facebook page
23 Aug 2023, 10:00 am
23 Aug 2023, 10:04 am
A church that seems unusually open-minded
goldfish21
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23 Aug 2023, 2:40 pm
_________________
No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.funeralxempire
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23 Aug 2023, 3:17 pm
goldfish21
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Age: 43
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24 Aug 2023, 1:53 pm
_________________
No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.
