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09 Jun 2023, 10:05 am
https://babylonbee.com/news/pentagon-st ... -to-aliens
Pentagon Struggling To Explain All 437 Earth Genders To Aliens
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Interstellar peace talks broke down Wednesday after Pentagon officials were unable to adequately explain the intricacies of all 437 Earth genders to aliens from outer space.
"Okay, for the last time," said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin during the third hour of talks with extraterrestrials. "Demigender are people who identify partially with one gender at the same time as another. This is totally different from Bigender, which is when a person identifies as two genders and can switch between them. Do you understand now?"
"This isn't at all confusing."
The aliens spoke via telepathy, communicating easily without the hindrance of language barriers, yet were still unable to understand why their human counterparts kept derailing talks about joining an alliance of free planets to argue that sex and gender are two different things — or even that a developmental condition such as autism can be a gender.
"Everything is gender," SecDef Austin explained. "Even this table is gender."
President Biden was present at the meeting but was unable to communicate due to a failure by alien lifeforms to create a telepathic link to his brain.
[Is this man even alive?] asked Xylor Sieth IV. [Is corpse a gender?]
"It can be," SecDef Austin answered. "You're catching on!"
Pentagon spokesperson Jean Tangerine told reporters, "Honestly, this is a big part of why the government has kept alien life a secret for so long. They're super bigoted and not ready for the public."
At publishing time, Xylor Sieth IV had asked to speak to Tucker Carlson instead.
09 Jun 2023, 12:48 pm
09 Jun 2023, 10:07 pm
goldfish21
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Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,612
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
10 Jun 2023, 12:45 am
_________________
No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 25,639
Location: Right over your left shoulder
10 Jun 2023, 3:17 am
10 Jun 2023, 4:30 am
https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-names ... gating-him
Trump Names Hunter Biden As His Running Mate So DOJ Will Stop Investigating Him
PALM BEACH, FL — Former President Donald Trump seemed to have outsmarted federal prosecutors once again, as reports out of Mar-A-Lago indicated the 45th President and current 2024 candidate had chosen Joe Biden's son, Hunter, as his running mate, leading the Department of Justice to halt all investigations against Trump.
"It really is a brilliant, ‘4D chess' type of move," said disheveled political analyst Steve Bannon after Trump made his announcement. "There's no way the DOJ or the FBI will do any investigating when Hunter Biden is attached to the campaign. Checkmate, losers!"
Within minutes of naming Biden his new running mate, Trump was notified by the government that the indictments against him were being thrown out, leading Trump to make a celebratory post on his Truth Social account. "TRUMP WINS ONCE AGAIN," he said. "I REMAIN UNDEFEATED AGAINST THE CORRUPT DEEP STATE'S EFFORTS TO TAKE ME OUT. HUNTER BIDEN IS MY NEW RUNNING MATE, MAKING ME INVINCIBLE TO ANY INVESTIGATION. HE'S EVEN MORE TRUSTWORTHY THAN MY PREVIOUS RUNNING MATE. SO MUCH WINNING!"
Unable to continue their quest against Trump, DOJ officials admitted defeat. "It's over," said a source within the department. "We're not allowed to go anywhere near Hunter Biden, so Trump and his campaign can now run roughshod. Much like the women Hunter hires at night, our hands are tied."
At publishing time, new vice presidential candidate Hunter Biden, who had last been seen passed out in an alley after a 3-day crack cocaine bender, was unavailable for comment.
https://babylonbee.com/news/the-us-is-n ... ew-uniform
'The U.S. Is Not A Banana Republic,' Says Biden While Showing Off Cool New Uniform
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an address to the nation, El Presidente Biden showed off his cool new uniform covered with flashy medals and assured the nation that the U.S. is not a banana republic.
"Listen, folks, this is ridiculous," said El Presidente as machine gun fire went off in the background. "Just because I'm using the corrupt power of my administration to prosecute a political opponent, doesn't mean we are a banana republic. We're a nation of laws and freedom! If you weren't free, would I be wearing my beautiful gold Presidential Medal of Freedom right now? I think not!"
Media outlets praised Biden's bold and impressive new look. "It's as if the shiny gold of Dear Leader's well-deserved medals are signaling a new dawn for our country and all humanity," said CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer. "For the first time, I feel safe, wrapped in the loving arms of our Lord Ruler. Blessings be upon him!"
Sources say Biden's political opponent, Donald Trump, is finally being held responsible for the egregious crime of having classified documents while not being a member of the ruling party. "I AM THE MOST PERSECUTED PERSON WHO HAS EVER LIVED," said Trump in an all-caps rant on TRUTH Social. "NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN MORE MISTREATED THAN I HAVE. THIS IS A PHONY WITCH HUNT AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT!"
Sources confirmed Trump is scheduled to disappear mysteriously next Tuesday.
At publishing time, the Biden Regime reiterated that the U.S. is not a banana republic and that anyone who says otherwise will be indicted and then shot.
10 Jun 2023, 5:27 am
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12 Jun 2023, 11:59 am
13 Jun 2023, 5:25 am
https://babylonbee.com/news/sad-trump-s ... -cool-fort
Sad Trump Says He Was Just A Few Document Boxes Away From Building Really Cool Fort
PALM BEACH, FL — As he prepared to face indictment on federal charges related to possession of classified documents, former President Donald Trump revealed his disappointment that he was only a few boxes of top secret documents away from building a really cool fort.
"I worked so hard on this awesome fort only to have it stolen by the Deep State," Trump said to a large crowd at a campaign rally over the weekend. "As I was leaving the White House — after winning BIGLY and having the election stolen from me, by the way — I saw all the boxes of papers and thought I could build a fort. A big, beautiful fort. A fort more amazing than anything before it. Sadly, that opportunity, like the 2020 election, was stolen from me. It's a total disgrace!"
Sources close to Trump have disclosed his longstanding plan to build such a fort at his home at Mar-A-Lago, citing his history as a real estate mogul and builder. "He's a developer at heart," said one member of the Trump team. "A border wall, an impressive resume of defeating impeachments and indictments, a fort made from document boxes…he always building something."
Trump remains undeterred by this latest indictment scandal. "We're going to finish the job we started," he continued as he spoke to the crowd. "We're going back to the White House, and we're going to finish building the document box fort — and it will be so cool and have different rooms and there will be no girls allowed!"
At publishing time, the Trump campaign had reportedly sent out fundraising emails asking for supporters to send their own document boxes for the completion of the fort.
13 Jun 2023, 4:28 pm
goldfish21
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Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,612
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
14 Jun 2023, 5:12 pm
_________________
No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.
