a feeling of disconnect

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i posted this elsewhere but it might be better suited here so

i just re-watched it and i must say the way neo felt at the beginning is how i felt for many years before my diagnosis that feeling of disconnect or as Morpheus said

"What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it you're entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad"

anyone else feel that way or like you see thru the sham of society
i have tried to have this conversation with people irl but none share my views or don't like to think so deeply about such things

its almost like Existential crisis but its not that there's more to it anyone know what im trying to describe ?

I've felt like that all my life. I remember such feelings even before I started school. There has always been a sense of WTF! Like I've been born in the wrong universe, and that even the concept of "I" is alien to me. EVERYTHING seems like it is alien, me included. I've spent my entire life living in a sort of dream world, expecting to wake up at any moment --- words attributable to Morpheus but nonetheless sum up how I feel.

It is this sense of disconnection from *everything* that has fuelled my lifelong interest in the sciences and religions... to try to find answers. At the age of 53 I have those answers, but they are so far off the wall and alien to the thoughts/world view of most people that I rarely talk about them anyway.

Yeah, I do feel like that actually.

In fact it's only my psychosis that keeps me pushing through it all.

I often have a sense that the things going on around me are not real. And I wonder if that line in the matrix is something everyone, both NT and autistic, can relate to.

While I've never had a sense of disconnection from myself - my "I" if you will - I've certainly felt everyone was onto something I wasn't, and they weren't going to share what that was, try as I might to figure out what the hell was going on. I guess rather than The Matrix, my personal experience would be better summed up as living a life long story by Franz Kafka (another who almost certainly had Asperger's).

what is this feeling? its hard to describe its not existential crisis i know that much is it being on the spectrum that makes us feel this way ?

TallyMan my thoughts/world view differ aswell i suppose id say im a realist but most people i've found don't like to question things as i do and would rather just follow along with society at large

I feel alone on an utterly hostile planet. The normal people kill everything else that's not them, after all. Why wouldn't they do it to us? The majority of the population cannot be trusted, so I end up nearly alone.

Lostathome i don't think normal people kill everything but i do think they have a tendency to blindly follow along without question a lot of the time and so i see how you'd get that impression

I always used to think it was me against the world. As I grew up it became us and them. There's a lot more of them than there is of us though.

I guess the experiences for me in this department were there but slightly more standard. I felt like I was on a different velocity path of motivation than other people. When I was in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade I felt like I was absolutely roaring with potential, motivation, personality, and it was a bit like all the kids around me were these quiet drones that you could barely scare a conversation out of.

As time went on of course things changed, I noted that my developmental curve was just different and similarly I maxed out at certain points where the line between what I saw of myself was curtailed by what the world allowed to be valid. That helped to stay my development in certain ways while other people just kept going right on past me.

Now I still feel that velocity difference. The thing that's changed though - I feel like I've achieved as much, gotten enough depth, gotten enough going for me in terms of skillsets, experiences, etc. that I'd be roughly equal to so many of the same NT's who'd be held out as way above me or a bit like they live in a reality that's dancing well over my head (if I were to buy into 'league's).

I'm realizing that what I need to keep doing in my life wherever possible is to keep pressing ways to find common ground with other people, even if it's in a very uneven manner (ie. night and day opposite in some senses and heartfelt in others). I really don't feel like there's a reason for me to keep myself on the outside and hide behind a small cluster of friends and so much of gaining that ground with people helps patch my vulnerabilities.

As far as value systems are concerned though - yes. It can be tough to tell how so many people resign themselves to graduate highschool, get married, and spend the next 50 or 60 years on loop breathing and paying taxes. The lack of curiosity is what's toughest for me to relate to in many NT's. Admittedly though then again I'd tend to say, with no measurement but just kinda licking my finger and holding it in the air - it seems like maybe 1/3 of NT's are like us in terms of seeking information, trying to get to know their world, having authenticity at that level, 1/3 are bumps on a log, and the other 1/3 are somewhere between. I tend to find good friends in the first category and I consider myself greatful for that. Still, there's hardly anything stranger than rolling deep, hanging out at VIP areas of hot lounges, even riding in style somewhere, and beginning to get that sinking feeling of loneliness the moment you step into that poshed-out environment with the instant realization that you're in a hot zone with all the hot props and just as a person aren't set up right for social networking. I was out with friends in a limo Saturday night and I had that feeling sink in quicker than usual and it took a lot of money on drinks for me to snap out of it.

I am "supposedly" NT, but the longer I am on WP, the more kinship I feel with people on the spectrum. I understand what you are saying.
Children were not often tested for Autism/Asperburgers back then, & it was looked at as always an exclusively Male diagnosis. Being female, it probably wouldn't have been noted or investigated as either one.

another thing i don't like is if you look at things in the world objectively or state things that oppose the common view people cant seem to handle it they treat it like an attack and will say its racism sexism or some other ism when in fact its no such thing its almost like people cant look at things objectively

I've been looking into depersonalisation disorder. I think there is a good chance that I have had that most/all of my life. Most people have some sort of reality filters that mean they don't notice certain aspects of reality or question them. I'm lacking that filter and stuff gets through that shouldn't. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder

By way of sci-fi comparison; Dr Who can set up something called a "Perception filter" that turns attention away from something rendering it unnoticeable. It is as though most people have a perception filter regarding the nature of reality and everything around them; they never see it or question it, but my filter is broken and I notice it and question it.
http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Perception_filter

Another way of looking at it is that 95% of what we sense doesn't reach conscious awareness. e.g. you don't feel the sensation of your clothes touching your body unless you specifically think about it. Similarly most people are unaware of the activity going on inside their own minds - their thoughts and sense of individuality. I'm aware of these things all the time. It is somewhat like what Buddhists call "mindfulness". I see my own motivations and though processes at work, but most people are oblivious to this mental machinery at work. I'm a spectator to my own existence and reality in general.

+1

^^

That would be a headache. I understand that the subconscious always receives that information but we divide duties neurologically and for the most part tend to keep for processing what we need.

I had horrible anxiety for most of my life - I suppose partially from societal abuse but I also had a hypersensitivity to other people's nonverbal energies, emotions, and it seemed like other people had the ability in a way to emotionally invade me in the social sense (ie. my wiring responded like that to external stimulus). I very much would have classified as highly-sensitive. Not something that works particularly well for guys in the west. I never had anything like full tactile hypersensitivity but I can imagine that being a huge drain.

From what I've discovered about depersonalisation disorder it can be very frightening if it happens to someone in their twenties (as is common) it also can happen to repeat drug users. As I've grown up with this I don't know any difference and it seems normal to me. Stuff gets through to my conscious mind that most people filter out as unnecessary information. When this involves seeing one's own mental machinery at work apparently it freaks most people out as it disconnects them from what they perceive as reality. People aren't intended to see underneath the cover of their own workings.