Theory: Satan is the real hero in the Bible.
First of all, I'm an atheist. I don't believe anything in the Bible is true. However, I am arguing on the same level as those who take the Bible literally or at least semi-literally.
The Bible depicts Satan as some kind of horrendous archangel that rebelled against God, inciting a war in the heavens. God won, and Satan got kicked straight into Hell. Depending on what sect you are part of, Satan either became a powerless prisoner, or the source of all evil. In some sects, Satan was also the one that tempted Adam and Eve into eating the Fruit of Knowledge.
However, let's think about this: What has Satan really done wrong? Tempting Adam and Eve? That's what lead to mankind exiting the Garden of Eden and forming civilization, which eventually lead to Jesus Christ becoming humanity's savior. So yeah, if it wasn't for Satan, Jesus would have never existed, and neither would any of us since Adam and Eve would still be milling around the Garden of Eden like animals.
Also, rebelling against God. At first glance, this seems to be a terrible crime, rebelling against the creator. But haven't you seen some of the things God has done? He's committed homicide (Lot's wife), genocide (Sodom and Gomorrah) and even omnicide (Noah's Flood.) He's also inflicted vile curses on those who have disobeyed him, like making childbirth painful and deadly. There's also the fact that he imposed ridiculous rules on his followers and then cast them into hell anyways, until Jesus died for everyone's sins.
Yeah, hell... let's talk about that: The very concept of Hell makes God the worst thing to ever exist. After all, real life dictators could only kill you painfully at the very worst. God can give you the absolute most painful torture possible FOR ALL OF ETERNITY because you did something as inconsequential as mixing fabrics!
Yes, I know Satan is the embodiment of sin according to the Bible, but really, not many of the sins are really that horrible, and even with the truly horrible sins, God has committed so many atrocities that Satan is pretty much an antihero at worst. In fact, from this perspective, the Bible is a tragedy: Satan rebels against God's bloodthirsty reign, and gets cast into Hell to be tortured for all eternity because of it.
_________________
Arriving by goat doesn't violate school policy!
Heil Satan! o/
From Mikhail Bakunin's "God and the State":
We know what followed. The good God, whose foresight, which is one of the divine faculties, should have warned him of what would happen, flew into a terrible and ridiculous rage; he cursed Satan, man, and the world created by himself, striking himself so to speak in his own creation, as children do when they get angry; and, not content with smiting our ancestors themselves, he cursed them in all the generations to come, innocent of the crime committed by their forefathers. Our Catholic and Protestant theologians look upon that as very profound and very just, precisely because it is monstrously iniquitous and absurd. Then, remembering that he was not only a God of vengeance and wrath, but also a God of love, after having tormented the existence of a few milliards of poor human beings and condemned them to an eternal hell, he took pity on the rest, and, to save them and reconcile his eternal and divine love with his eternal and divine anger, always greedy for victims and blood, he sent into the world, as an expiatory victim, his only son, that he might be killed by men. That is called the mystery of the Redemption, the basis of all the Christian religions. Still, if the divine Savior had saved the human world! But no; in the paradise promised by Christ, as we know, such being the formal announcement, the elect will number very few. The rest, the immense majority of the generations present and to come, will burn eternally in hell. In the meantime, to console us, God, ever just, ever good, hands over the earth to the government of the Napoleon Thirds, of the William Firsts, of the Ferdinands of Austria, and of the Alexanders of all the Russias.
Such are the absurd tales that are told and the monstrous doctrines that are taught, in the full light of the nineteenth century, in all the public schools of Europe, at the express command of the government. They call this civilizing the people! Is it not plain that all these governments are systematic poisoners, interested stupefies of the masses?
