You might be Right-Wing if...
1) Liberal applies only to the amount of scotch in your glass, and moderate only to the water.
2) The only "gay" you or your ancestors ever supported was the Enola Gay.
3) The only union you support is the Baseball Players Union, because heck, they are wealthier than you.
4) Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
5) When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho".
6) You answer to ARE "The Man".
7) You argue that you need 300 handguns in case a bear ever attacks your home.
8) You believe a free press can not only be bought, but can also be profitable.
9) You believe censorship is included in the First Amendment as a right.
10) You believe global warming is an advertising campaign by Coppertone.
11) You believe God is everywhere -- except in your motel room.
12) You believe judges have become political activists -- except for the Supreme Court.
13) You believe men have the right to dictate what women can and cannot do with their bodies.
14) You believe money is free speech -- the more mony you have, the more right you have to speak.
15) You believe the "greenhouse effect" means better gardens.
16) You believe the NRA enriches the quality of American life than does the NEA.
17) You believe trial lawyers are evil except in the case of the 2016 election.
18) You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs"; but you also believe the sending of federal troops to put down a demonstration for civil rights is justified.
19) You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
20) You confuse Lenin (Vladimir) with Lennon (John).
21) You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you believe Bert and Ernie are pushing an agenda of "sexual deviance".
22) You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense ... and because that Burns fellow makes even more sense.
23) You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates ..."
24) You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society".
25) You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood".
26) You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
27) You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
28) You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
29) You point to Prince Harry and Megan Markle as evidence of the end of racism in America.
30) You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
31) You see Monopoly as not just a board game but as good business model for America.
32) You support a waiting period for abortions but not for gun purchases.
33) You support caps on jury awards but not on corporate energy price gouging.
34) You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
35) You think the government should keep your private financial records for years but it has no right to keep gun purchase data for more than 24 hours.
36) You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
37) You think death and taxes should only apply to the middle-class and poor.
38) You think deregulation of the airline industry has been successful.
39) You think HMO and PPO are cable channels.
40) You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
41) You think of reality TV as Fox News.
42) You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
43) You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
44) You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
45) You're afraid of the liberal media (although you will never admit it in public).
46) You've argued that art should have a "moral foundation set in Western values".
47) You've ever argued that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
48) You've ever called a female secretary or waitress "Sweetie", "Tootsie", or some other term of sexist "endearment".
49) You've ever referred to education as a privilege.
40) You've ever referred to someone as, "my <insert racial or ethnic minority here> friend".
51) You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
52) You've ever said, "Clean air? Looks clean to me!".
53) You've ever said, "Civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties ... as long as I can say what I want".
54) You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
55) You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
56) You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes ... or feet.
57) You've ever uttered the phrase, "We should just bomb them all".
58) You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie! Get a haircut!".
59) You've nick-named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two".
60) You've thought of at least one more valid addition to this list, despite being offended by it's contents.
11 Sep 2020, 8:22 am
