pezar wrote:
Oh, I was exposed to it my whole childhood. My dad CONSTANTLY threatened to kill me for things that, looking back, were caused by autism. He kept saying that, one day, I would make "the wrong person" angry (for something I couldn't control, of course), and that that person would kill me and make the world a better place. I grew up truly believing I deserved to die for my "differentness", which of course was all my fault, and that my own death was a matter of time, and that the world would celebrate once I was gone.
At times, growing up became "101 Ideas On How To Get Rid Of Pezar", including being buried alive, abandoned in the desert, and having my nose and mouth sealed with duct tape. Kids at school urged me to kill myself. By the time I started coming to school with cuts, the taunting trailed off, but it was too late. When I recently brought home a $2500 dentist's bill, my dad once again launched into the whole you-deserve-to-die spiel. I'm 35, for cripe's sake! I guess I'll never be accepted anywhere, and really SHOULD die!

I firmly believe the world will
never be a better place as long as anyone is made to suffer the way that you have. The people who truly deserve to die are never the ones who believe they deserve it.
Even in the most extreme example I can think of, Nazi Germany, the camp guards who killed themselves over what they'd done were the relatively decent ones. They at least had a conscience. If they'd lived, they might even have done something to make things a tiny bit better. It was the ones who didn't feel ashamed, who clung to their "ideals", who would have improved the world by dying.
So I think you've just proved that you most definitely should
NOT die.
I've never had it as rough as you have, but I've spent much of my life feeling like a designated public toilet. I'm 51 now, and I'm not accepted all that many places. I've lost most of the very few friends I ever had: I heard one die (his car hit a tree down the road from my house) and found another on his kitchen floor. So I can't say I have no idea why you feel the way you do, even if I can't really understand everything you've been through. But over the past few years, I've slowly come to be glad I hung in there, in spite of everything. I really hope and pray that someday you'll know what
that's like.
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AQ Test = 44 Aspie Quiz = 169 Aspie 33 NT EQ / SQ-R = Extreme Systematising
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Not all those who wander are lost.
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In the country of the blind, the one eyed man - would be diagnosed with a psychological disorder