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AspieAshley
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21 Jan 2012, 1:16 am

OK...So I just went at it confronting my mom about how she forces me to conform by conforming herself, she had to have been subdued herself as a child and therefore feels compelled to side with norms instead of siding with me (her child who she quashed and never raised), and how she has a "conformist" style of parenting. She and my dad are doing family therapy, and they claim that they've beed working on these feelings. I asked her tonight if they had ever worked on their own past mental abuse by their own parents and other adults, and if they had ever tried to figure out how exactly it compels to side with the norm instead of siding with me today. She said no.

"I feel like a 3-year-old in a 22-year-old body," I told her. She defended herself by saying that it's "my choice" whether or not I conform. So I said, "that would be like smoking cigarettes and claiming it's 'my choice' whether or not I smoke. It's not." (Ahem, secondhand smoke.) She continued to defend herself: "Well then we need to get you to the point where you can move out of the house and get away from us." I gave her a pretty hard time, saying," What if you were smoking and I told you that I had lung cancer and was in too ill health to move out?" (She does not smoke in real life.) Then she gave me a parent's typical cry of, "I'm not a perfect parent!"

And then she said that she "disagreed" with my stance on how she forces me to conform by quashing me, abandoning me emotionally, and getting under my skin by conforming herself. She wouldn't listen. So she claims she "wants her relationship with me to change", she "cares about me more than anything in the world", and that she "doesn't know how to be a better parent!?" Well, I just told her in crystal clear terms how she can accomplish these things...and she won't listen. Turns out she cares about herself more than she cares about me.

And if she claims she's "not willing to change" herself but she wants "the relationship to change" that means that what she really wants is for me to change instead! I am a perfectly good person. On the other hand, the people who I am supposed to trust for guidance and support need some work, to say the least.


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Sparx
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21 Jan 2012, 11:59 am

Wow... tough stuff you're going through. I'm sorry.



MakaylaTheAspie
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22 Jan 2012, 2:51 am

Ugh, I can really relate to that. (Thanks, dad.)


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AspieAshley
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26 Jan 2012, 7:57 pm

Haven't mentioned this yet, but I volunteer at an animal hospital on Mondays and Fridays.

Anyways, after I get home (whatever that means when you live with people who quash and ignore you all the time and the whole world takes their side) tomorrow my parents will be having a therapy session and I plan to attend and get on them for all this. My mentor who accompanies me to the vet will be there. We're hoping the therapist will join us in confronting my parents but I think it's more likely that he will take my parents' side. He betrays me all the time. Feels like I have to teach myself "psychological karate" tonight. I've concluded over the course of my life that if a therapist says that they work with autism, their job is to force pure, innocent young people to conform for the benefit of their parents, teachers, and the workplace. My heart is pounding with anger as I type this...

Could use a few words of encouragement...


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Letting go is not a skill--it's the lazy way out. The real skill is having the courage to stand up for yourself and demand justice.
I'm not mentally ill--the world is!


catatonix
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29 Jan 2012, 6:41 pm

Add me to the list. Too much rage to write more.


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GamerNerd07901
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30 Jan 2012, 11:26 am

I'm not really sure I understand your situation, be more specific than "she doesn't take my side," or "forces me to conform"

Either way, I've had some trouble with my parents, and my classmates and my experiences taught this:

Negative emotions: rage, hatered, arrogance, contempt. These are the enemies of conflict resolution. If you feel nothing but anger and/or contempt for your parents and your therapist then you can't empathize with them, which in turn makes it harder for you to understand them, and makes it harder for them to understand you.

you have to try to get outside of your own point of view. What might be a Crystal clear solution to her problem from your perspective, might not be for her for reasons you are not aware of. Alot of times children are so caught up in the 75% of parents logic that is wrong, that they forget that 25% of it is right.

just try to have an open mind.


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AspieAshley
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01 Feb 2012, 7:49 pm

GamerNerd07901 wrote:
I'm not really sure I understand your situation, be more specific than "she doesn't take my side," or "forces me to conform"


Sometimes it's kind of hard to put my finger on, guys. There's something subtle about their demeanors. The first thing that she (and even moreso my dad) do is challenge everything I say no matter what I say. It's like I'm trying to say something and they always want to turn our house into a big debate club instead of accepting what I am trying to say at face value.


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Letting go is not a skill--it's the lazy way out. The real skill is having the courage to stand up for yourself and demand justice.
I'm not mentally ill--the world is!


GamerNerd07901
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02 Feb 2012, 11:21 am

Well, your parents definetely seem irrational from your perspective. You mentioned a therapist. What does he think. If both of them go against your opinion, keep in mind that your parents are, by defenition older than you, and a therapist has to go to college. They may have a point.

Just to be clear, they could, in fact, actually be as wrong as you think they are. This world has never had a shortage of idiots. I am just saying that you're hardly an impartial judge.

I'm not sure I got this across in my last post. All those things I mentioned about empathy are just the means to try to recognize your own faults (don't even try to tell me your perfect) in 3rd person. since your ego will never let you know that your flaws exist in the first person. I know, I've lived it.


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What is learning? Its paying attention. its opening yourself up to this great big ball of****that we call life! And whats the worst that could happen? You get bit in the ass! Well let me tell you, My ass looks like hamburger meat,But I can still sit down!


GamerNerd07901
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02 Feb 2012, 4:02 pm

Sorry if my last post came out a bit harsh. I wasn't finished but I got bull rushed off the computer.

Basically my point is

1:that it is very difficult for human beings to view situations from someone else's perspective.

If you can empathize with them, you can understand the reason they act like that. and once you know that, you know what you need to have a talk with them about.

2: no matter if your parents are acting like that for a stupid reason or not, negative reactions like frustration, yelling, anger, and ranting will not do anything to solve the problem. Usually they make it worse.


_________________
What is learning? Its paying attention. its opening yourself up to this great big ball of****that we call life! And whats the worst that could happen? You get bit in the ass! Well let me tell you, My ass looks like hamburger meat,But I can still sit down!