Scars on Arms and School Bullying

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Hi everyone. I'm not an adolescent, but a mom with an adolescent daughter. We had to pull her out of school last spring because she was suicidal and cutting herself. Now she wants to go back for her junior year--but she has scars on her arms that kids are going to see. The background of the suicidal feelings and the cutting was--probably no surprise to anyone--severe bullying in her previous school. She hasn't had problems in the school she's in now, at least not up to now.
Do any of you have any advice about how she should deal with it when people at school ask her questions? (We already know kids are speculating about where she was for the second half of the semester). My view is that the scars are there to stay, the hospital stay was real and that she should at least tell her friends the truth, and let them spread the word. Does this seem like a bad idea? Should we try to come up with some other story?
Any advice from those of you currently in school would be gratefully received.

Hi, I'm not an adolescent either, but I have a very good memory of being an adolescent.

The scars and feeling suicidal is likely to give her a type of 'street cred,' at least at first. But, it's unlikely to translate to friendship.

The end of my tenth grade year I was sent to SAS (Special Assignment School) for being drunk at a school dance. And it did give me street cred and a little bit of celebrity status. But it didn't translate to friendship. More like I was treated as a mascot. Or being more charitable, I still didn't have that much in common with the other kids.

And on the subject of bullying, I recommend Paul Graham's essay "Why Nerds are Unpopular" And if anything he underestimates the case.
http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 29 Jul 2013, 5:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

HI There,

My 14yo daughter is in the same situation she has scars up her arms has been admitted to hospital many times for suicidal ideation and attempts.
What we have done is to come up with a vague excuse for missing lots of school such as not sure what is wrong but the doctors need to do lots of tests, I have told her that chronic fatigue is a good excuse cause it can go on for a long time, mean that you miss lots of school etc.
I think its a bad idea to tell people at school the real story excepting close friends that can be trusted to keep the secret. School kids are notorious for spreading rumours and bullying anyone weaker. You don't want your child to get the reputation of crazy in a mental hospital etc.
If your child makes any good friends that can be trusted treat them like gold and do your best to keep them as friends are most important and if possible the parents as well - I am lucky in that my child has 2 close friends who know and their parents also know and are supportive.
In terms of the scars many kids nowadays have them, We have tried silicone gel treatments which has reduced them significantly, also time helps. It is currently winter in the southern hemisphere so that is easier to conceal. My daughter has not self harmed for months so we are starting to see improvement of the scars which is nice. We will be having some kind of lazer treatment to try to reduce the scarring when summer comes around. My child goes through stages of showing her arm scars and hiding them I try not to tell her to hide them unless I am worried that she will get a negative reaction. I don't want her to end up being anxious about how she looks, however I know that people can and do notice and will judge.

good luck at the new school

I disagree. If a moment occurs when she feels she can confide in a friend, then that's fine, but she shouldn't deliberately set out to tell them. It would probably end in awkwardness. And her disclosure would also put a lot of pressure on her friends. I'm an adult and I don't explain my scars to my friends. And they don't ask. Some things are private.
(I must add that I don't show my scars, I wear long sleeves even on the hottest days.)

Duplicate

Last edited by Polgara on 29 Jul 2013, 8:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have never seen it explained so clearly! He has nailed it. And it's simple enough to be useful.

I'm a mom also, and 2 of my kids are teenage daughters (19 and almost 17). I don't think you should tell anyone. It isn't your secret to tell. If I were in her shoes and my mother told anyone I would see it as a betrayal and an invasion of my privacy (I have AS, not my kids). It's up to her what to tell them. She may not want them to know and if they do ask she may make something up. That's fine if she does. She has to cope with them every day and she may tell them a lie to make that coping easier.

I would definitely talk to her before she starts back though and ask her how she plans on handling the situation. Lots of kids cut though. It's not uncommon to see teenage girls with scars on their arms. I don't know if these are big ropy scars from serious slashing or smaller ones from less serious cutting. The former aren't very common but the latter are and do fade in time. My own have over the years. If they are raised scars then a dermatologist can cut off the raised part and it will be less obvious, but that area will never tan.

So many kids cut now that most kids probably won't ask her. They will see them and just think she went through something and cut. If someone does ask her all she has to do is say "I was a cutter" and that's that. Most kids don't bother anybody over that.

Now, one area where I disagree with Paul is where he says ostracism is less bad than active persecution. I mean, are those my only two choices?

Hi. I'm in my last year of high school and I used to cut myself so I still have scars. Basically, most people don't notice anything. I was pulled out of school for 7 weeks and no one asked me anything when I got back. As for the scars, i basically learnt ways of twisting my arm or hiding it behind my back so no one would notice. If anyone asks, just brush it aside or say it was an accident with a box or something. If a really good friends asks, you can try to be honest. I told my friend I'll text her later because it was more comfortable for me to explain it that way.
And people notice fresh cuts more than scars.
I hope this helps a little. :)