i am a mum who cares

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i have a teenage son, who i was very close to. He thinks that he has aspergers, which i accept is possible. But since comming to this conclution all his does is cut me off and push me away. It doesn't seem to matter what I say he doesn't believe that I care and love him.

I accept him for who he is, but i dont think he believes me.

does anyone have any advice on what is the best thing to do as I dont want to loose him and thats all i can see happening.

The reason I have gone in here rather than adults is maybe someone can advise me from posibly his point of view of whats happening

As a teenager I was very angry and frustrated with the world in general. It all seemed very foolish to me. It still does, but now I don't lash out about it. Back then I took it out on convenient targets, my parents and others. However, if someone had told me then that this was my reason for my behaviour, I probably would not have understood.

You say he has only started to push you away since he decided he had AS, and also that you don't think he believes that you accept him for who he is.

My guess as to what may be happening is he is saying to himself "Oh no, I'm a freak, I've got Asperger's", and that as a consequence he doesn't really accept himself, nor can he accept that other people accept him (the latter is quite common in people with depression, which he also might have).

As to what you can do, I would suggest you behave much as normal towards him. Don't persist in trying to talk to him about AS or other difficult topics if he doesn't want to (if he does want to, then do). If there are small things you can do that would raise his self esteem, that would be helpful.

You didn't mention as to what the atmosphere he was in while growing up was like. Some with AS may perceive minor difficulties as really horrific things, sometimes with enough tension that they may start growing defense barriers. Some with AS want a lot of structure and routine, and if a family setting didn't provide this structure they crave, they may take it out on those whom they feel are responsible. At least, this has been my experience, and I imagine it has for some others. It's really rough when you know that you overreact to just minor things yet you can't ward off the emotional feeling that they are so horrific.

- Ray M -

"Some with AS may perceive minor difficulties as really horrific things, sometimes with enough tension that they may start growing defense barriers. "

That could possibly be it. It could be something imperceptibly minor, maybe you disn't have the reaction he had been rehersing over and over in his head, maybe you asked a lot of questions at first, and made him think you doubt him, while he's unable to understand that you don't. I'm sure that if you ask him the right quiestion, he'll answer.

Does he have trouble fitting in? Because another thing that might be happening is this:
He doesn't really fit in anywhere, or he does but it always felt awkward. Then he reads about Asperger's, and suddenly everything falls into place. Maybe he wants to act more like an aspie in areas which he feels he's closer to an NT. He read that aspies have trouble having relationships, so he tries fulfill that. Or maybe it's subconscious: he thinks that a close relationship with you isn't possible, so he stops it even though it was possible.

I went through much the same situation. (Me being the teenage daughter, of course.) My particular problem was that my mom didn't seem to believe me about AS. She said she did (if I asked). I still get the feeling that she doesn't really believe me, but just doesn't want to argue.

Which brings me to my point: does he know you believe that he might have AS? Remember, aspies can't read obvious signs; you'd actually have to tell him that you believe him. And don't wait until he asks either, because then it'll just sound defensive. If you've never actually said it out loud, never actually talked to him, he may think you're shrugging him off.

And if he does know, then just ignore my answer. The other people here have all made excellent points too.

hi zeb i think i can explain. your son loves you with all his heart. he's just hurting inside, and he's taking it hurt out on everyone. i may sound like i'm i know everything, but i don't. you see my name is Andrew h i'm 17 and i have asrerger's, and i know how he f feels. i hope you're you feel better.

The teenage years are a difficult time, no matter what the situation is. Your son may just be going through a teenage phase in his life. If he is, this is completely normal. If he's going through something because of AS, this is also normal.

Upon finding out something big like having AS, most people respond in a negative fashion. This is normal. Just make sure that this negative response does not slip into depression or anxiety, which is has the potential to. If he seems depressed, talk to a therapist or counselor. Someone who is certified in that area can help you a lot better if that happens.

People with AS generally have trouble knowing what other people are thinking and saying via non-verbal communication. Make sure you specifically tell your son that you care for him. Show him that you care for him in ways that he will understand. In other words, make it obvious.

As for not feeling accepted or feeling alienated, this is a common problem. Teenage years are difficult, even for NTs. For aspies, there is usually a feeling of "I don't belong here because I'm different than everyone else". Make sure your son knows that he belongs somewhere, even if it is among immediate family and close friends.

The other thing with AS is that it is often difficult to express and fully understand emotions. Realize that your son loves you, like Andrew said. He just may not be able to express that like most other people do.

Feel free to PM me if you want more details. I went through a similar situation recently, so I might be able to provide more first-hand advice.

Get him tested by an expert on autistic spectrum gifts. It's going to be pricey but you need to know if he has AS. But if you don't want to then see if he has any obsessions that he's an expert on. The AS superpower is our complete mastery of one or two subjects and it's the best way to root out an aspie.