I don't know what I am anymore.

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I've identified myself as asexual for the past couple of years, but of late I'm not so sure anymore.

The thing is, the last 3 months I've been feeling especially lonely. And just recently, now that I've finally graduated from high school, even more so, as I have no "friends" to interact with. I've also decided that I have a crush on girls who are aged 17, 15 and 13 respectively. Of the 3, I've only spoken to the eldest, the 17 year old. I've admired the other two from afar for a while. I find them all quite physically attractive, as well as personality-wise. It's not one of those things that other guys seem to experience, like, where you can't get it out of your head. I just think of it occaisionally, when I'm feeling lonely.

Nor do I understand why I am feeling lonely. I've never taken a shine to interacting with people, and for the past 17 years, I've avoided it as much as possible, at all costs. I'm getting better and more comfortable with it the last 5 years or so, but I still don't like it. I just feel like I'm getting judged the whole time, and I don't like it.

I really don't understand why I've all of a sudden taken a shine to these girls, and why I'm feeling loney. Here's the complicated part. Even though I feel lonely, and even though I'm attracted to these girls, I want nothing to do with them. I don't want a relationship with them, I couldn't stomach sex with them, but yet for some small insignificant reason, I want them as part of my life (if that makes any sense). I also cannot bring myself to go and talk to any of them. I guess it's my fear of being judged, or being figured out to being the suicidal piece of s**t that I actually am.

Does this make any sense, or am I just rambling aimlessly?

You make a lot of sense. I don't believe that our sexuality is set in stone forever at any point in our life. We are forever changing, learning and experimenting. Its human nature.

You've decided that you have a crush on certain girls? The way you speak of it makes it sound like it was voluntary. You also mention that you find them all quite physically attractive, as well as personality-wise, but would be unwilling to have some sort of relationship with either of them. Perhaps this is because they possess certain traits which you admire hence why you want them as a part of your life?

Feel free to respond to anything I've said.

you can be asexual and still want a relationship.

i read an article about a married asexual virgin couple.

If you feel lonely its normal to want to be with someone....even if its not supposed to be something serious... I think all you really need is to talk to somebody... I also think that around your age everybody has some kind of loneliness and alot of people suddently have a wish to be with somebody....

And I can't know who myself is no more...

Maybe you should try and talk to them? Or perhaps talk to somebody else. Maybe all you're needing right now is a friend, someone to talk to, someone who cares about what you have to say.

I can identify with you, but my reason is mostly because I dislike strong emotions and I tend to drow both sorrow and joy in virtual violence, something that works for me, but indeed having a relationship would be nice...hugging and stuff, someone that you can truly trust.

ah well, I first need to finnish my education, find a job, live on my own before I go seek on.

lots to do and only one lifetime to do it.