How do you cope with difficult parents?

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Don't get me wrong; I love my parents. They have done so much for me over the years (I'm nearly 17 and live at home with them, and my younger brother and sister), so I try my best to be grateful. They let me have pretty much as much freedom as I want (which isn't hard really when I don't particularly want much in the first place, hah), they're very supportive of my academic performance amongst other things, my dad gives me lifts to places when he is able to and has no qualms about extending this courtesy to my friends, if I come home from town with a bunch of friends they will have no problem with them all coming in for a few hours, my mum always cooks us dinner, they give me a generous amount of pocket money and on top of that refuse to let me buy most of my own clothes...so, yeah, they are really great parents in ways that a lot of my friend's parents aren't.

However, my parents are still really difficult sometimes. We argue a lot, and it's often about petty things but even once I do what they want me to do, they don't drop it! If I continue arguing with them, they get really angry and shout at me more for answering back and ground me or something. If I leave the room then they get really angry and shout at me for being rude, or laugh at me, making comments about how I'm probably going to go to my room and cry (which is generally true; I cry when I get frustrated). If I stay in the room and cry, they get angry and tell me to stop acting pathetic. I cannot win.

I have strong suspicions that I have Asperger's Syndrome and I really want to look into getting assessed by a professional sometime in the near future. As I am nearly 17, my health records are confidential from my parents, so I can do this without them knowing. However, I read somewhere that specialists tend to ask you parents about your early development etc? Would they still be able to assess me without directly speaking to my parents about it? I know some things about this myself that they have told me; would that be enough? The reason that I don't want my parents to know (at least until I am officially diagnosed with it, if I am officially diagnosed with it), is because they are really odd about this kind of thing. My parents have this huge thing about being "normal". When I was younger I kind of had this emo fashion thing going on (aged 11-13?) and my parents couldn't stand it because apparently that wasn't "normal" (even though at the time it really was). When I was 12 years old they found out I had been self-harming and completely lost it. They refused to let me get counselling or anything; they were just really angry and grounded me, cut my internet, made nasty comments about it all the time...that kind of thing, and obviously they told me to stop. It seems that they didn't care about my pain, they were just ashamed that I wasn't "normal", and they were petrified about anyone else finding this out, because it would "disgrace" them, or something. About a year later they found out again, and were even harsher with me; my dad told me that if I ever did it again they would kick me out. And they weren't joking.

This September I finally went to seek help and support for what I presume is depression and anxiety, and for my self-harm. I see the school counsellor and my parents have no idea about any of this.

My questions:
Has anybody else had problems with parents that cannot accept that their child might be "different" from others? What did you do in reaction to it?
For people who suffer from similar problems (depression/anxiety/self-injury/AS); how did/do your parents react? Do they even know?
If I want to seek a diagnosis for what I think may be AS, do my parents have to be involved?

Feel free to share your experiences with me. I don't even know anybody else who has suffered from similar issues and had their parents react like mine have.

I am sorry that is post is sooo long!

Has anybody else had problems with parents that cannot accept that their child might be "different" from others?
Yes. "Stop shaking your leg because it makes you look like a whore", "why are you reading all the time" were common phrases my mother would say to me. If they had it her way I would be like the rest of my sisters wearing makeup, dressing up, talking small talk and seeking their approval.

What did you do in reaction to it?
Try to make myself invisible to them by at least looking normal (exterior) without great discomfort. Dragging myself to the horrible meeting ground called the mall and trying to wear clothes my sisters approved of (nothing revealing, tight, etc. but probably brand name). But now that I am a grown adult, F*&( that. I make an effort to not stim when I realize other people are around (which I sometimes forget).

For people who suffer from similar problems (depression/anxiety/self-injury/AS); how did/do your parents react?
Depression-they didn't know and I didn't want them to. I would lock myself in the restroom or bedroom and when I walked out with poofy eyes from crying for about 2-3 hours I would just lie and say I was sick if they asked. In conclusion they can't react if they were unaware.
AS-Because a couple other relatives act as I do (that's where the genetic factor comes in) even if they did know what AS was and tried to understand it, they would probably tell me that I am just making an excuse and am not trying hard enough. I can predict this because that's what they assume about my other relatives who I presume have AS.

Do they even know?
No.

If I want to seek a diagnosis for what I think may be AS, do my parents have to be involved?
Since your 17, I am assuming you do not have a job that provides you with benefits that would allow you to seek an affordable diagnosis so they would have to be involved due to financial and resource restraints. Now if you could afford it, my therapist said it would cost 250 locally (Irvine, CA) so that should give you an idea of how much it might cost.

I can totally relate to a lot of that; the reading comments too!

I also do the whole "staying in my room, crying, and lying about it thing", saying that I'm sick. It's so exhausting lying all of the time though. But I don't really have a choice.

I don't think money for a diagnosis would be an issue for me as I live in England and as I'm still in full-time education I am pretty sure I am entitled to free healthcare with the NHS.

I honestly have no idea. It's hard making someone understand when they just don't want to. My mum says "you only have Asperger's if you choose to have it", and if I explain that something is hard for me to understand because of Asperger's, it's "Don't DEFINE yourself by it!" or "you're making excuses". It's like talking to a brick wall-she just will. not. acknowledge. that it makes certain things harder for me. Almost like she thinks it isn't real.

My dad thinks the psychologists were wrong and that I don't really have Asperger's. It's so frustrating!

I think it's easier to deny that something exists if you're not having to live through it on a day to day basis.

How do parents cope with difficult children?