Problem With Ex's Fiance

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Last year, after a rough time in our marriage, my wife left me for another man. The divorce was finalized three months later. Several months after that, he moved in with her. Though we have joint custody of my five year old son, he resides with her. I have my son every weekend. There have been a few incidents with my ex's fiance that have bothered me a great deal and I don't know to whom to turn.

The first incident was late last year. While eating lunch, my son told me that the fiance had told him, my son, that I do not love him. Since this was out of the clear blue, I asked a couple of questions to verify his story. I was furious. I called my ex immediately to protest what her fiance was telling him. (This was before the fiance had moved in with her.) Her story was that my son had told her that and that he was merely using her fiance to deflect blame from himself. (Despite being furious, I was more distraught than enraged; I was not cursing, for example.) While my son ate lunch, I sat on the kitchen floor asking myself what to believe and crying.

The next incident happened earlier this year. My ex had to go to work around the time I normally drop off my son. I was running behind because my son said he was hungry for dinner, so I fed him before leaving. When I arrived at my ex's place, her fiance was there; she had already left for work. Even though his mother and I had discussed this possibility and I had mentioned it to him, my son did not want to stay there. His eyes teared and he looked very sad. It took every ounce of willpower for me to leave my son there and, on the drive home, not to turn around and go back for him. When I discussed this with my ex, she reasoned that it was because he wanted to see her.

The final incident happened yesterday. While discussing something, my son referred to her fiance as "my daddy". Upon questioning, he told me that her fiance asked or told my son to call him that and that it makes him (my son) uncomfortable. The issue my son and I were discussing was why he has an extreme, new found aversion to being alone. Her fiance punishes my son by sending him to his room. The aversion is intense. For example, he threw a tantrum when I tried to go to my car alone (in a carport fifteen feet from the door) to retrieve something.

Without going into many details, it seems that my ex is involved in very few parental tasks anymore. Before her fiance moved in with her, she called me freaked out to ask for help on how to deal with our son even though she had reamed me two days earlier for not knowing how to do so. Now that her fiance lives with her, he handles most child-rearing tasks: assistance with tooth-brushing, getting my son dressed, discipline, etc. (Her fiance has no children of his own, is bipolar, and, from what she told me, had not had a relationship with a woman in the prior fifteen years, and he is fifteen years older than her. He is at university, just now finishing his bachelors. He has no job, nor has he had regular employment in many years. The background criminal check in Lexis was clean though.)

Some days, it seems like my son has been coached on what to say. He reports that my ex and her fiance were arguing. No one mentioned this to my ex, but the next week, he states that no one was arguing. He suffers an unexplained injury to his face. He must have fallen out of bed. He develops a rash on his pelvis, with no discernible cause. He speaks of monsters at night. He mentions her fiance coming into his room at night. Finally, when my ex was leaving me, I spoke with this other man. Since I have friends in both the legal community and law enforcement in the city where he lives, he seemed unduly paranoid about me causing him trouble.

It's obvious what I fear. Do you think this is enough for me to pick up the phone and call Child Protective Services?

Are there any other family members or family friends that you are on good terms with and trust, that you can speak to?

Personally, I do think that you should contact Child Protective Services. You say that your concerns have been building and increasing over the past 6 months or so. You are clearly not taking action because of vindictiveness, or pettiness. You have genuine concerns and if I were in your position I would be seriously concerned.

It might be helpful to speak to your family doctor as well, particularly in relation to the rash on your son's pelvis, and the nightmares.

Do you have a lawyer? I think you should also speak to a lawyer as soon as possible.

It should be helpful to have as many professionals involved as possible. That way your ex and her fiance can't say that you are acting irrationally and on your own.

Your fears clearly are not irrational, and you have given this time to see how it went.

The fact that you are posting here suggests to me that you already feel that you should report this matter to the relevant authorities, but it is obviously a huge step to take. I think it is one that you should take.

Take care, of yourself and your son.

At the very least you're looking at an ex's fiance with boundary issues. Parenting is none of his business, and he has no business taking over the father role, or driving a wedge between you and your son. Sucks to be you, but what can you do? If possible, get legal documentation of everything that can be documented, such as any injuries and note of abrupt changes in your son's behavior. What role is your ex playing in all this? Is there some way you can remind her that he's her son too, and that as parents you'll have to work together for your son's best interest?