I feel guilty about my suicidal thoughts.

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I think about suicide all the time. I know it's because I'm weak, and I really shouldn't be having those thoughts. People say there is never a good reason to kill yourself, but what if you're stupid, ugly, awkward, lazy, disorganized, and a bum - everything that people hate? Usually people say this to those who have meaning in their lives, because they are fully human, unlike me. I'm not a human. I'm a lower form of "life" who has no right to be alive. I was born into a life of privilege, something that I'm absolutely ashamed of, and yet I still ended up as a pathetic loser. I'm like that Dudley kid from the Harry Potter books. I wish I lived in a third world country; maybe that would make me less shameful.

But the problem is, every time I think about suicide, I realize that I can't really do it. My afflictions are inadequate, things that a human would be able to handle, but I can't. I think maybe I'm not feeling suicidal; maybe I'm just fooling myself because I'm weak, too weak to face life but too weak to commit suicide, and too weak to face the fact that I'm weak. The fact that I'm still alive is a testament to that. People tell me I'm not really suicidal, that I'm just crying out for attention and trying to make people feel sorry for me. I don't know if it's true or not. I'm not sane, and it's easy for me to convince myself that something is true when it isn't. Maybe thinking about suicide is just my frail, pathetic way of coping with life. It's nice to know that I have that escape hatch in my life, so that I can get away from myself.

Sometimes I wish I was someone else; often I wish I was someone else; but I know I don't deserve it. I didn't earn anyone else's life or anyone else's self, so why should I expect it? I don't deserve to be anyone else any more than a murderer deserves to be released from prison. I don't know what to do about myself; there is only one way out, but I'm too weak and too much of a coward to go that way. Maybe when I go to bed tonight I'll die in my sleep.

dont feel guilty about having suicidal thoughts, its nothing to be ashamed of.

Ive had suicidal thoughts since I was a child and have attempted suicide several times.

I think it can be very painful to live in a world where I dont fit and find everything so hard, the things others find easy like work or friendships or relationships I struggle and fail at.

I was going to kill myself a couple of weeks ago and closed my account on a few forums I went on and tried to psych myself up to do the deed. In the end I could not do it and I felt down on myself for not having the courage to do it.

We can only be what we are though and cant stop the suicidal feelings and its probably preferable to people who know us if we dont have the courage to kill ourselves.

Over the last few years I try to view the sucidal thoughts as like a drink or cigerette craving and just let it pass with out doing anything about it.

I hope things get better for you *warm hugs*

It sounds like you're really sad, man. Sorry to hear that you're stuck in a spiral of yuck.

Why do you think you don't deserve to be a different person? We all have things about ourselves that we don't like, but if we persevere, we can change them.

You're not weak. It takes a strong person to take a self-inventory like it looks like you've done. Take some deep breaths and make a few changes today. Tomorrow, make a few more. Keep a journal.

Whatever you do, you don't have to feel guilty about being you. Good luck.

Not weak. Depressed is my diagnosis. I am not a doctor, but I do know depression. Suicidal ideation is a bother, wasting a lot of mental time that could be used for something else, but you did not ask for it. You need to see a doctor, and get lots of exercise if you are capable of it. You should know that antidepressants can take as long as six weeks before you notice anything beside side effects; that most side-effects eventually disappear; CAN CAUSE suicidal ideation to actually increase for a while; can be ineffective so that you might need to try several before you hit on one that works.
When I first added 5-HTP to my anti-depressant mix I could not believe the dreams and the intense upsurge in suicidal ideation. Well, I've been playing with such ideation since I was a child so I was like, Meh, and went on, annoyed because there were so many other things I wanted to thing about, and it faded away over a number of weeks. Biochemistry, even when it's gone crooked, is nothing to be ashamed of. It's something to be treated. A lot of people on WP have been able to treat their depressions without medication. I couldn't. Sunlight, salmon oil, a host of supplements, exercise etc did not cure mine.

I felt the same way, 11 years ago. I was diagosed with clinical depression and put on the right medication. I'm doing very well, these days.

You're not weak and having those feeling is totally normal because I'm sure alot of us on here including myself have felt that way and worked around it to be better people. I think the best thing you can do is talk it out with someone you trust or write it out.

It makes me sad to see so many suicidal people : (
I have thoughts like that all the time. I've even tried it. But I don't think that level of depression is a sign of weakness.

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&sour ... aqi=g1g-m1

well, obviously your depressed, and for good reasons. who can stay happy when no one values them?

that said, one thing struck me in your post: third-world country.


why not move to one? sounds crazy, but why should it be? your birth into a priveleged situation has been a source of grief for you. your current situation makes you unhappy.

so why not make a radical change? you can/or not involve yourself with perhaps in some way doing some small thing that people in your new home will like. i have no clue what, because this is very general what i'm saying.

my basic point is: of course you're miserable. and guilt comes with depression. people aren't separate and untouched by their environment, not aspies, not birds, no one. all creatures are deeply affected by what surrounds them. if this isn't working out for you, why not make a different radical change (vs. the radical--and inevitable, btw--change of death).

look up buckminister fuller's life story. it might interest you....

whatever you decide, good luck to you.

Such shame and depression. Something is obviously unhealthy that needs looking into further. I feel guilt about employment all the time to, but goodness. What do you consider "born into privalege"?

i said "born into privilege" based on what seemed to be said in the original post (about starting life with advantages and so on).

i don't personally have a hard and fast definition of that. i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt as to what their history and situation are, unless i know otherwise.

especially on an internet forum, i kinda have to roll with what the person *says* is the case, as i have no way to verify it except by a combination of instinct and logic, both of which have limits.