I am very sad and wish I will die soon... please help

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I know there are a lot of suicide and depression threads on the Haven right now, and I know you are all probably getting sick of them, but I shall add just one more.

I am unbelievably sad and I think my mental state is starting to effect my physical health. I don\t know where to begin so this wont have a great structure to it, so please bear with me. I have uncontrollable sadness and I feel sad from the moment I wake up to when I go to bed. Even my dreams are starting to register my sadness which I will describe later. I am starting to place myself on the social hierarchy and I realize I place very low. When I was in second year I admired a very beautiful girl very much who I thought was superior to me because she is beautiful and rich (her father is a university president who makes 500 K a year). My university is a place where most of the school population is beautiful. Where talking where on average 85% of the girls are knockouts and about 75% of the guys are attractive. I fall into the 25% of the guys who are unfortunate looking. I don't know why I feel sad but I think I am in place in my life where life cannot get very good. When I was in high school I was care free and didn't have much to worry about, but now I have everything to worry about... and it is too complex to go into on the thread here. My family in an unhappy family and their unhappiness registers on me. I am a person who just came into existence because one day my parents decided to have a kid, but I wish I was never born. I am not suicidal but I do think about death a lot and wish one day I go to sleep and never wake up.

My dreams are starting to register my sadness. I can't remember all my dreams but a few nights ago I had a dream here a cute girl I know out of the blue jumped on top of me and we started to kiss passionately only for her to tell me later it was a joke and I was an idiot. I had a really sad dream last night too but I forget what it was all about.

I am having physical problems like unexplained joint pains. headaches, and diarrhea.

1) I am very sorry you are so sad and having such a hard time.
2) What happens if you try to hang out with girls who might be closer to you on the social hierarchy? Lots of people with autism (well, me) tend to fixate on the people who are at the top of the pyramid and be sad that they don't want to be friends with or date us. We sometimes don't notice people who have status similar to our own, or are unwilling to look past the same sorts of things that others are unwilling to look past in us. Look around you at girls who other guys might be ignoring. Some of them will be as worthy of attention as you are. You might even try to find social groups that include people who don't go to college.
3) Try to eat well and exercise. Not only will these things counteract depression they will also help you to both look better and to feel better about your body. And,so long as you're careful, might also help with the sort of physical problems you are having.

I like the way that you worded your post, due to my beliefs about body types and whatnot and I hope that you take care of yourself and start feeling better, soon. Try not to think about the people on the top. Their good looks might get them a babe, or a hunk which I'm not really turned on by either, but will those looks land them a career, in the end? A lot of corporations are reluctant to hire people who are that much into themselves. They want people who have the brains. They might have the looks, but you have the brains.

in my experience, the richest and most 'beautiful' people don't make the best of friends while the outcasts are very lojal friends who will be there when you need them. And beauty is subjective, so even if someone is ''unfortunate looking'', they may be beautiful in someones eyes who has got to know them and fallen for their personality.

I understand that feeling all too well. I couldn't snap out of it until my 30th birthday after therapy. Start intensive exercise and lift weights. When you're body is strong, something happens to your mind, I can't explain it. I suffered horribly with depression and I was a knockout as a young woman. I'm almost fifty now with an aspie 12 year old son and a partial aspie veteran son who is recently back from Iraq. I've had plenty of guys on top of me but I didn't have that "inner" confidence to prevent them from using my body. I was taken full advantage by someone that was filthy rich. He had everything! All I had was a fledgling community colllege education and good looks. That is very little to have. He took full advantage of that by rape. You're not alone. To this day, I ask why did he do that? He had everything. I liken my reality to that dream you had. Embrace your religion whatever it is. Strengthen your body. Build your mind and point it toward graduation. Find someone like yourself or try a different race or culture (if you can without problems). If you end up with someone that you thought was not your type because maybe they weren't too good looking, intimacy can change that. When you catch someone that responds, this can rock your world.

Mojave, I really hope you are OK soon - your letter is worrisome. Please know you are NOT, at all, lesser or 'defective' and right now you are being incredibly hard on yourself.

I do see that depression is an illness and can escalate to serious levels, which is where you are right now. But know that you are fine (!), really, it's the depression that is not fine. I promise, you are not suffering from being 'lesser' (far from it), but instead suffering the nasty effects of depression, which skews everything.

Advice is probably not what you want...but, you could see a medical professional right away. No one deserves to be in sheer misery night and day. Please ask someone to arrange an appt. and, if it's easier, print your post to show another. You are precisely right in that depression can and will effect your physical health and every other aspect too. Imagine if you had tuberculosis, for instance, you'd go see a doctor right away, wouldn't you? Same thing.

Hope you feel better soon, Mojave - btw, you write really well and are very expressive.

Hi,

I understand totally your thoughts... I hope you'll feel better very soon.
I tought about death too but I am not suicidal! They are so painful moments, and you think that nothing gonna change during hours, days and weeks... I know that.

Concerning the physical aspect. I am ugly, okay. I have no success with women, still single. I had 3 stories with girls in my early 20 years old. But that's all! And believe me, I'm 29 now, and I live in France, near the mediterranean sea, so very "latin and macho vision of the world", if you know what I mean. Then at 29, in this context, people around me are starting to wonder if I am gay!! !

What is the first contact between 2 ordinary humans? -> Eyes. So, physical aspects are fundamental!
What the hell is that? Nowadays society!
BUT
people who don't go any further than physical aspects, are idiots, fools, dumbs and whatever you want.
Good looking girls are with good looking boys, okay! But that makes a couple of idiots!! !!
There are somewhere (I don't know where, if it was the case I'll create a special TOPIC, I promise!! !) girls who are maybe cute, maybe less than others, maybe more, but who will be sufficiently patient to look inside of you, and find who you really are. And if your are an aspie, you have a lot of qualities!

I am also depressed about my situation with women... So what? The Universe will continue his expansion, Nature will continue to be amazing!! ! And those idiots people, who represent a tiny tiny and ridiculous part of all the hugeness of Nature, are... a crap bag! but a tiny one of course!

Don't compare yourself to others. NEVER!
Nobody can compare humans because of different educations, environnement, morality, mentalities, psychologies etc etc etc.... And, we are not human, you know that?! We are aspies! Yeah! So, take your SuperAspie costume and show to the world your superpowers!

As Elvis Costello said in one of "his" song:
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way

Actually, the title is "Beautiful", take a look at the lyrics

So, take care and courage Mojave!

PS: If anyone tells me that "Beautiful" is much better when it is sung by Christina Aguilera bla bla bla, I'll be angry!