Rants

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One step forward, two steps back, three steps forward. I'm really f*cking tired.

Uneven playing fields really tick me off.

I hate this place, I don't want to live here. It's entirely crap and way too expensive. I mean, pick one or the other. Expensive and nice is understandble since it's high demand. But expensive and sh*tty?? Why ???
I want to go back home where the sun always shines and you can eat for $1 or 2 at a fastfood restaurant and the houses are < $100k and metal music thrives.
I'm so tired of this place where it always rains and you can't get anything less than $20 at a fastfood restaurant and the houses are > $250k and all the music is either pop or local folk and the people are ignorant as f*$k and think this place is the whole damn world. Trust me, it ain't.



I hope my husband gets anxiety meds soon and I hope they help him enough to make him at least a partially functioning human. I'm so tired...

People who are unprepared to compete, and then complain that the prepared competitor's victory was "unfair" really tick me off.

touche'

Why are people who don't know the basics of filing allowed to touch file drawers??? The file drawers at my office have things filed under T for "the", folders overflowing to the point where they are ripped and the papers are kind of just cascading out of them, drawers jammed so tight it is nearly impossible to get anything in or out, everything within each folder is in no kind of order at all, and the letter tabs that show you where each letter starts and ends were just layed across the tops of the hanging folders so of course were dropping all over the place as I paged through. It's an OCD nightmare.
AND we recently recieved a brand new filing cabinet and it's currently being loaded from the top first! It is well known that you should always load from the bottom first or else the entire thing may tip over when you open the top, heavy drawer and there's nothing anchoring the bottom. Pretty sure there are warning labels inside of the drawers to this effect as well.

I fixed what I can but I don't have the time to organize all of it. I'm considering coming in on a weekend or something because I just can't stand it!! !! It's not just untidy it makes it diffucult for other people who need to find things in those drawers (like me) to do their jobs.

I just don't get why someone would keep shoving things in a file that was already overflowing or lightly rest the letter tabs on the dividers ... or any of it. Can someone explain this to me? Or are they just complete morons/lazy asses? I need to implement a Filing 101 class for the women at my work apparently.

I want my life to be over. It's nothing but unbearable pain.

no concentration, no memory the positives to me.

How dare you? I mean all of the stuff i've dealt with and then this, well no way am i giving up.

I technically 'have someone', why do I always think about other people and potential partners?...

I am sick of having nightmares, especially the ones where I try to kill myself because I actually feel like I'm dying when I wake up. I still get compulsive thoughts about dying/being hurt. It's emotionally taxing and makes me feel exhausted.

It's really annoying because I'm starting to recover from depression, otherwise. I think my meds might be making it worse but I'm worried about coming off them. I think I'll make an appointment with my doctor in a month's time and tell I want to cut down by just 10mg, and see how that goes. If it's not the meds (I was like this before I went on them, tbh) I don't know what to do. I think therapy would help, but I wish they'd hurry up with the bloody ridiculous waiting list.

Why are there so many idiot drivers on the road lately? Why the heck does everyone think the laws apply to everyone but themselves?

i hate the fact that i am human
i hate the fact that i have to live in this society
the fact that it's made me into an empty shell
the fact that i've been pushed into normal
and now that i'm somewhat normal, or "high-functioning", i feel like a lie because i want to be true and hate lying
people are fooled by my appearance but then realize how socially clueless i am and drop me
i hate that
i hate changes
then i want people to see who i really am and it's breaking me down when i can't
i wish i could isolate myself from other people
i wish i didn't have to explain myself in order to avoid social situations i loathe
i've lived my whole life trying to please people because i've never cared about myself and did not want to be a nuisance in other people's lives
and i wanted to make other people happy
but then i couldn't
but i really tried
i wish i was invisible
i wish i had no feelings
because i have feelings and i want to express them but i'm not allowed because it takes time to express them
i type because i find it harder to explain them verbally
and i can't go on with life if i write someone a letter and get no response
there's no way out
people don't understand me
i want out

I WANT TO BE PERFECT
and it breaks me down when i realize i'm not...

I DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH MY THOUGHTS
I JUST WANT TO BE ME
I'D RATHER NOT KNOW WHO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
BECAUSE IT IS A MENTAL CONFLICT
I WANT TO PLEASE EVERYONE, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I DON'T WANT TO BE A FRAUD
I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW AND UNDERSTAND WHO I TRULY AM
I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A MASK
I DON'T WANT TO BE A SHELL
I DON'T WANT TO BE TWO-FACED
I JUST WANT TO BE ME
PLEASE
GIVE ME THE FREEDOM TO BE ME
DON'T TELL ME THAT FEELINGS ARE WRONG
I AM TIRED OF IT
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS NICELY
AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU UNDERSTAND
I WISH IT DIDN'T MATTER WHAT PEOPLE THINK
I WISH I COULD JUST HIDE AWAY AND NOT INTERACT WITH THIS CRAZY AND CONFUSING WORLD!

sorry. i'm crying and need to let this out. can't help it.

p.s. i have one person in mind as i'm writing this. if you stumble across this, please know this. i have to let you go but i don't know how to do this nicely. i don't understand why you want to be my friend but are so critical of everything i do. it's been making me depressed. you don't know me. you can't make judgements about me. you've never lived with me. you don't know what's going on inside my brain. and i'm tired of explaining because it's not getting through. and i am not depressed because i'm weak. i don't self-injure because i'm weak. i put on the happy mask most of the time because that's what the society wants me to do. but i'm not a robot. unfortunately.

goodbye.

I have a feeling it's not my week/month/etc.

no concentration

I always struggle to write anything actually expressing an opinion I have on here, I had hoped it might get better but it isn't. I have started to write several posts today and then pressed the back button.