College / University / Education, Etc...

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So now that I no longer have a huge chunk of brain-power devoted to something else, I'm going to try this again. I have to prioritize - I tend to want to escape from doing things I feel forced into doing, and I can't without causing huge flareups of anxiety because I know I should be doing the thing I'm trying to avoid. Does that make sense? Most else I have causing me stress is secondary to this and seem to only get worse the longer I put off dealing with this issue. Anyhow...

I need to figure out how to do something that I've been stressing over for so long that I now feel like it's normal to always be under stress. I made a mistake when I chose a major in college - by studying computer science. The mistake was in choosing something that, while I might be well adapted to it, I do not get any enjoyment from pursuing it. The more it takes over my life, in work or at home, the less good I feel about myself. I'm currently unemployed and have yet to pay off student loans from my last venture in education. What I really want to study is botany but I don't know if I can get back into school after already amassing so much loan-debt. I'm unsure of my options and I feel trapped and utterly lost because of it. I also feel stupid for listening to the advice I was given before going to school the first time - that I should take the more financially rewarding major, rather than the one I actually enjoyed (my parents were saying this, mostly). At the time, I actually thought that sounded reasonable, and rationalized the decision based on an appeal to my love of systematic things. I figured I could eventually learn to enjoy it, and I did for a while.

I just recently tried to get back into working by doing some freelance graphic design for an entrepreneur I know - who, consequently, wants to fund a start-up business for me. I get this feeling of absolute horror when I think about it. It means locking myself onto a path that I do not want to go down. It seems like I can't even make decisions anymore. My daily routine is crippled because I have no income and nothing to do but either troll job boards or stare at the walls, and there is no explaining the amount of stress it's causing me, but I can't change it until I can get into a new paradigm and regain the ability to devote my mind to learning something I enjoy. I know it's what I need but I'm unsure the best way to get it. I used to read a lot of theology and was good at pulling random passages out of the bible from memory, and one just came to mind to express what I mean (slightly adapted...):

Is it possible to use your computer major to work now and do the botany part time until completion? Or do finances not allow for that option due to student loans?

First pay down your current student loans. It is unwise to get too far in debt. Then save up enough money to take time off for going back to school. Then look into going back to school.

As for the computer design work, if it really turns you off, or feels too permanent, don't take the job. But remember, you are no ones slave. You can leave any job anytime you feel a need to, but do give them some notice.

Instead of stressing about this current job offer, apply for work with all the employment agencies in your area. If you don't want a permanent position, just tell them that you are interested in temp assignments, as you want to try different things, and eventually plan on going back to school. A lot of temps are people attending or planning on returning to school, so that won't be a problem with the employment agency, and a lot of people are temps to try different jobs.

Most of my working life was done as a temp. I wanted to try different things, and I needed time off between assignments to recharge my batteries, do stuff put off when working, and to help my mother with her stuff.

You can sign up with all of the agencies in your area, unless the paperwork you sign with a particular agency forbids that. Make sure you never sign such an exclusive contract, as you need to be able to take assignments from anyone who has one available. Sometimes the pickings are thin, and being tied to an exclusive contract could keep you sitting on your hands waiting for work from that agency, when there are assignments available at other agencies.

While you are working towards the end of your current school debt, and eventual enrollment in more interesting courses, don't rack up a lot of new debts.