Losing joy in everything, feeling alienated and disattached

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Since I was a teenager, I've never really felt love from my father. I guess i knew he loved me, but he never showed it. He'd constantly (and still does,I have to live with him) belittles me, criticizes me, and then when he calls me something pretty mean, he denies it and calls me "delusional". Says I never do anything right. Why do I never get any get it right? Why do I never get it right the first time? When I confront him or actually try to have a meaningful conversation with him, he doesn't want, argues with me, and states I'm the one that started the argument, when I simply am tired of stating my opinion as he always asserts he is right. It is HIS house, HIS money, HIS car, HIS door, HIS everything, he owns and controls everything. He yells at my mom constantly in the car, calling her a "control freak" because of her directions when we almost get in accidents because he can't see well without his glasses , and he asserts he doesn't need them. Constantly belittles her too. She gets angry at me when I try and tell her how she disagrees with him (she never tells him what she tells me what she thinks of him sometimes when he's emotional abusive to her in person, she's just quiet). She also doesn't understand me, but isn't mean like him. For example, I lost 104 lbs, and in maintaining it, sometimes when I binge it too much I'll throw up my food on purpose, because I feel so guilty from eating so much. I immediately feel relief, and then it happens again. The pschy meds and anti depressiants I'm on don't work, and I've been on them constantly. I just recovered from an serious attempt of suicide taking 4 months worth of 9 different pills (about 10 bottles full), and drinking an entire bottle of plum sake.

So, my dad told me, since he's so stingy about money and gas, that he won't take me to restaurants anymore, or threatens me he won't, because I'm "wasting his money" by throwing up "his food". I felt this comment was very hurtful and condescending. My mom doesn't seem to think so. She always tries to "correct" him, stating everything that's Not what he means, not just about this, but everything. It makes me feel crazy. I know he means it differently , in a mean way, but she asserts it's just him trying to "correct" My behavior to something more reasonable.

She says in that case it was just that they didn't know how to stop me from throwing up, and that it was as true fact that I was "wasting their money" by doing that, so if they don't buy me food I may stop it. But it's an addiction, it's not that simple.

At any rate, what I'm getting that is although my parents love me, I feel they don't understand me and feel like I have no family. The arguments and constant mean comments and belittlement my entire teen life has seriously effected my self esteem. I don't have any friends. I've never dated or had a relationship. I've never kissed a girl, or been in any type of intimate encounter.

Everytime i try and make friends, its just acquiances. I go to and do martial arts (Aikido, similiar to Jijiutsu) the past year, and yes, I know all of the people there from Aikido, but we don't hang out, we just practice aikido.

I have a study girl friend at school, but she's engaged and we just study after school. She has no desire to hang out afterwards. I me this wonderfully nice girl on the bus from my college, who's a sister from a lady from my Japanese class in college (my major is in japanese, I'm becoming a japanese translator), she gave me her email on paper with a heart draw symbol.

I emailed her, was optimistic about her emailing me back, but it never happened. That's the point. Nothing ever happened. I get these girl "friends", and they say I'll find this wonderful women one day, but it never happened, they never want to date ME, even when I know they're not in a relationship, and I wonder what. At first I thought losing the 104 lbs was the answer. I'd be happy. Women would like me. I'd look good, right? Well, now I have six pack abs (not trying to brag) although some loose skin, which doesn't help my self esteem, and it doesn't mean a stupid thing! Women don't care. It's personality. And although I have a good personality , it still isn't enough as I have no confidence . I feel stuck. With aspergers, intimacy feels very ackward, even hugs.
I just don't want to approach women. I've been rejected, and rejected, all my life. "Let's be friends" they'll say. And that's it.

It reminds me of a passage story written by my one of my favorite authors (I read constantly,a ton of books, from every academic and non scholarly subject I can think of. I have a very intense curiousity.), Franz Kafka, who often mentions bachelorism", that is, not having or being able to be in a relationship, I'll repeat it, as this resonates how I feel exactly:

"It seems so dreadful to stay a bachelor, to become an old man struggling to keep one's dignity while begging for an invitation whenever one wants to spend an evening in company, to lie ill gazing for weeks into an empty room from the corner where one's bed is, always having to say good night at the front door, never to run up a stairway beside one's wife, to have only side doors in one's room leading into other people's living rooms, having to carry one's supper home in one's hand, having to admire other people's children and not even being allowed to go on saying: 'I have none myself,' modeling oneself in appearance and behavior on one or two bachelors remembered from one's youth.

That's how it will be, except that in reality, both today and later, one will stand there with a palpable body and a real head, a real forehead, that is, for smiting on with one's hand."

Sometimes I've even felt the need to be famous. I do magic, and have worked with some famous people in the magician circle. I'd practice coin magic 6 hours a day, everyday, for over 2 years. I became a perfectionist, not only on my magic but on everything. I wanted to be the best in the world with my magic. I wanted to be as good as Ponta, desperately. but I never reached his level. I had only practiced the trick about 3,000 hours, not 10,000 hours like him , in 2 years. I still do. I got very very good, but comparing myself to one of the world's best in coin magic, who's one numberous world wide awards in coin magic, and travels the world doing magic, a true pro, and my mentor and friend, I feel let down. I never feel as good as him. I never feel I will ever be at his masterful level.
I'm very good. I'm at an "expert" level, I do some things even expert level magicians can't do. I'm holding a lecture at one of the most prestious societies for magicians, the one Houdini belonged to, SAM, or the Society of American Magicians, to lecture and publish my own material, instructional video, or lecture notes (basically a book on my own original material) In June or July.

I've worked on this DVD, doing the voice dubbing, english voice overs, and subtitles and english corrections from japanese to english:



[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p29jLbEpzJc[/youtube]

Amazon DVD link:
http://www.amazon.com/French-Drop-Ltd-M ... B00AR0PVV6

A sample of some of my own work and practice, and tricks:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qv2Qmqt55Zc&list=UUcXGaTiVE9Lay2MKViPPlEw&index=4[/youtube]Amazon Mott-sun product DVD I worked on

Original DVD "Sick" by ponta the smith, who directed "Monster" (as mentioned in the trailier) DVD:
A true master and my mentor who taught me much (he also appears on the Monster DVD):

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0u_5834RGo&playnext=1&list=PL734E2A016744F713&feature=results_main[/youtube]

Hi there -

I know you are in a very hard place in your life. I can resonate lots with things you have said. I too took several bottles of pills (though for me that was 19 years ago now) and I lost 100 lbs. Where we differ is the throwing up bit. There is nothing on this earth that would make me willingly throw up. Not even when I slip backwards and binge.

I know your father's comments are hurtful for you... but in the one regard of the restaurant thing... on the one hand.. you really are wasting his money when you purge your food. That is a reality. That food has not nourished your body. You did not enjoy eating it - hence your throwing it up out of guilt. So in what way should he feel good about taking you out to a meal? If my son told me he was purging it would upset me greatly... I would probably use every tact (yes that includes being a bit ouchie) I could think of in hopes of trying to help him stop. But ouchie bits would only follow all the nice bits and ways to help. Out of desperation. Your father could be more tactful in telling you... saying things in nice way benefits all. But when you love someone - sometimes you don't do the nice thing.. you do what you believe will work - even if it is misguided.

I know your throwing up is an addiction... my addiction is food and binging. It isn't simple. But it isn't impossible to change either. One day at a time is the best way to go. Taking it one day at a time resisting the urge to purge... one day becomes two... and so on. If you backslide - you backslide. Pick back up and dust yourself off and renew your determination to make it longer this time. No one is perfect and no one will heal overnight. Allow yourself time and quit being so hard on yourself. Only very recently my guilt about eating and binging has lifted and the urge to binge went right with it. Hang in there!

I am not trying to say "yay Dad" and "boo you" here... just giving my perspective. I have lots of areas in my life that sound similar to yours... I am constantly told I am twisting words and making what is said something totally different. But reality is we just have specific meanings to our words so when people use those words we have a completely different take on what was said. We are literal creatures that see in black and white while most the population speaks in black, white, and shades of gray. So when they something in the shades of gray we hear them in back and white... what follows? Total mistranslation of what is being said.

So - while I get all that with my head... when I am in the actual moment of day to day life... I am constantly told that I am mistranslating and twisting... I can't help it. What your parents need to understand is that you think in black and white and they need to quit measuring you with a NT yardstick. They need to measure you with an ASD yardstick. Anyone in the world getting measured with the wrong yardstick will be left out and wrongly judged. My family is only starting to measure me with the right yardstick.. it has taken 38 years to get them to do so!

I don't know what to say about the girl situation. I just know that when I was searching for love I didn't find it. I finally gave up and joined a social game called Second Life. In my profile I was adamant for "men" to leave me alone. Then I bumped into someone that changed my life. That was four years ago! I loved that game and within it I ended up finding my real life boyfriend. I am not great in real life interactions... but I can write and communicate better with only a few hiccups in writing. You communicate via text in Second Life - well you can use "voice" too but I never did. Maybe you should give Second life a shot. You never know what can happen. My boyfriend is totally accepting of my faults in person now and he understands my communication issues. We fell in love using Avatars... with our personalities and our real physical appearances removed.. our real life struggles removed. SL was SL until we decided to take it real life. We grew from there.

If you decide to try Second life - use the alternate viewer.. it is more user friendly. Phoenix Viewer. Also the better you make your avatar - the more the girls will flood you Just don't push on them too hard and accept anything worth while takes time and patience.

I hope things get better for you soon!

Thank you so much. That explains why I know my dad loves me (He'll do things like play video games me, watch a show with me, show me stuff sometimes on TV he wants me to see) but never shows it the "right" way. its just constantly demeaning.

Your thought proceses on this give me a whole new perspective on them. It makes me love my dad . I used to hate him before I realized what you said. yes, I literally hated him. I could not forgive him. But your insight on NT vs ASD makes alot of sense.

Maybe they aren't trying to be mean, but they are misguided, they know no other way to help me. When I was addicted very heavily to an online text based MUD called Gemstone III at the time (Played it 12 years) from age 12 to 21, it took over my life. That was my life. I was much happier (and sadly, still would be) happier playing that game than living real life. It's just too painful. I could be a character and live in a fantasy world. I hate that the world doesn't understand me.

Sometimes I listen to Kid Cudi. He often relates to this. If you listen to his album "Man on the moon" and some of his mixtape songs, it really I can relate.I've wanted to have fame, just so I could feel loved. Gosh, talking about this is making me cry. I'm a guy too, I guess I"m just very emotional.

That's why I'd practice my magic so much, and got very good at it. I never felt good enough, wanting to be a full time pro, gave it up for college instead. Honestly I'd be happier doing what I love and dropping out, then being a japaense translator. Although i love both careers.

Part of the reason for the language learning is because I love japan, its culture, its history, its martial arts, people, I want to live there. I also work for a famous magic shop in japan in osaka called French Drop. They could use another translator to help make their DVD released in english. I'd love to help them in a 3 years or so.

So yeah, if I could do magic AND that, It'd be really happy.

Sometimes I Just get hurt. i take things too hard and am too hard on myself. I took a paperclip in my math class, told my class mate to "Watch this" made it disappear in a waving motion completely from both hands, front and back. I never reproduced it.

Then she said to show it to the teacher. She said it was amazing and she was baffled. This was with a paper clip, I just adjusted my other sleight of hand to it. She then laughed at me when I said I was a professional magician. I got really hurt by that.

She'll often say "You're funny, Kevin" when I say something I don't mean right in class, and it comes out the wrong one. I don't mean to be funny, she just misunderstands what I say. I'm getting better though at not interrupting in class. In the past, I've heard one guy there even tel me from behind "Just up, just shut up and don't say anything, god." And other students groan and moan when I talk, I guess I'm interrupting without realizing it. I ask the most questions in the class. When they are obvious questions/answers, other students think I'm wasting the teachers time and get annoyed. its alot of misunderstandings. i've told all my teachers I have aspergers, they say OK, but don't really understand.

For example. On my first math test, I had like 15 problems. All very difficult. Now, I'm very very good at math. I had a 122% in algebra I (what I'm doing now in college) In high school. I had the highest grade out of all the periods (1 through 6) and of every class she held in Algebra I. I was enrolled in the honors program for my high grade standards in math and science and was a math tutor later at a different school with algebra.

Despite, this, and to my shock and disbelief, I am failing in my college Algebra I class. I misunderstand the questions. When a question said, there was x nickels and x dimes, I thought that there were pennies too. Its like this. If I have 6 eggs, give you 3. That leaves you with how many eggs, (x eggs)? Well, 3. You got that answer by subtracting 3 from 6.

You could also make it into an equation, we don't know how many times, before we did this by deduction.

6 - x = 3
- 6 - 6 to both side, balances the equation

-x, or -1x , -1 is the coefficent, because any number such as x times any number (1) equals that number, x, in this its negative.

-1x = -3
-1x/-1 = -3/-1, 3 eggs.

If I have 6 eggs, and you give x amount of eggs, you have 6 - x eggs. Same thing. that's what I had problems with.

x is the amount of eggs. We express it in terms of x when I have 6 eggs and give you x eggs. we express x in terms of 6 - x . which is an expression. 6- x = 3 is an equation.

--
Anyway I'm rambling. The point is, I took the question literally. I thought because it didn't say "you only have a certain amount of nickels and dimes." I assumed there were pennies too. because it didn't explicitly state there were ONLY nickels and dimes, it just mentioned it. I got it wrong. I was too confused.

I took too much time on this problem and others, I didn't skip the rest. I just kept trying that one problem. I was OK with that because I thought there's no way she would give me a zero on the other problems if I didn't have time to do them. My reasoning is, that, I could do them another time or most likely, she wouldn't give me a zero because I'm capable of doing them right perfectly.

I didn't have enough time. I got 7 programs wrong (the ones I didn't do). the others when I corrected the test I solved by myself, and got 10 extra points. My original grade was 46%! ! A low F. Even with the 10% increase, it was an F.

the next text I got a 60%. With test corrections I did pass, with a 70%. I just don't get this. College is frusterating.

Japanese on the other hand, I've aced every quiz and test, with a 95% average. I will have an A soon, but currently have a high B only because I skipped the first 2 weeks from class from my OD in the hospital and wasn't able to complete the first test since i wasn't there.

Hi again

I am glad I could help. I watched your video up there - you really are amazing with your magic tricks. I have had a truly rotten day and my brain power has gone to zilch.. but I didn't want you to think I wasn't going to reply to you. I work tomorrow so it may be the evening before I can get you a real response.. but know you will be in my thoughts til then

Ok... tonight is a better for replies

What you talk about in class is a rough one. I tend to talk a lot too... As I get older I have been able to stop the talking in places like meetings and such. It doesn't feel good to stiffle thoughts I usually verbalize... but I manage ok. I never went ot college so I don't know exactly how to talk to you about that.

But I can give you some thoughts about your friend and her comments that give you ouchies. At work today - I had to ask for help a few times and I hate having to do that. I thought I was annoying my supervisor. At least that is how I read her body language. When I got off work and was leaving she told me how well she thought I was doing and that she looked forward to seeing me tomorrow. Oh how I had not expected her to say that. I didn't actually expect her to talk to me at all since we were only passing each other in the hall. Sometimes we are not the best judge of what is said - or of body language. Maybe your friend really meant it - you are as good as a professional magician. I sure think you are amazing. I get told I am funny when I am not trying to be funny... makes me wonder what a nut they must think I am. My last boss always said working with me was a crack up.. he never knew what I was going to say or do next to crack him up. But I never intended any of that.

I think that if you marketed your skills as a Children's birthday party magician you could make a great go at that. With your skills... It is a great start for something bigger down the line! For me the thought of an audience of peers and other adults terrifies me.. but children... oh how I love talking to children! I feel like I can relate to them better and they judge so much less harshly than adults. With how brilliant you are at doing your magic... word of mouth praise would have you heading to all the kids parties pretty soon

If you can do translating that would be awesome. Did you plan to move to Japan? People with Aspergers tend to get along better in foreign countries. Any feet put into mouths are looked upon as us being unfamiliar with culture and their ways. I hope you reach your goals of becoming a translator.. that would be so awesome

I was happy to read that my last post helped you... sometimes I can come off as forceful even when I don't mean to... I can trample feelings without any intention to.

I was heavily addicted to Pirates Online.. then to second life. I too preferred life in a video game.

When you started talking numbers... you lost me My comprehension reading numbers is a big whopping 0. Makes everything else not make sense too :/ Sorry!

Gonna close for now. Hope you had a good day