Rants

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I just got really angry and mad again. WHY DO I ALWAYS FAIL IN LOVE!? It's just never reciprocal. I finally meet someone that I fall in love with after YEARS. He doesn't want me. He wants that 19 year old adventurous, sporty skater chick. The tomboy. That little child gets to make love to him and be close with him. She gets to touch his soul. Why did she have to pursue him right at the same time in november when we met? I wish faith exists, because then I can say we were just not meant to be.

Why does she get to have him and I don't!? It makes me mad. Puke. I can really punch a hole in the wall.

I'm just not gonna get him. I'll never know what he felt of me. This could have been it, but it's not.

GET OVER HIM, CAFE!! ! HE'S NOT GOD!!

Why do ſome people get ſo angry about ſituations I wiſh I could live?

Pah! I don?t think I?ve exactly grown out of throwing tantrums about this, but I don?t have the energy for it anymore.

Traffic.

so my life has almost completely gone to s**t. went to hospital a couple of months ago with what i thought was a 24 hour virus and the need for some new glasses and came out with a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. i now have to get injections of something that either could save my life or kill me and i dont know which yet, every month. it means i cant go over seas this year to visit my friends. doctors thought it fit to tell my parents the new address i have without permission and secretly. i live in a queer assisted accommodation place and live here so i can be out and safe from my homophobic parents/threatening dad. i've been having nightmares because of this and i feel scared in my own house. i'm dealing with depression, anxiety and ptsd from being assaulted heaps. i'm failing uni again and don't have the option of not failing because centrelink wont let me be on youthallowance and do a part time load. cant get disability support pension because its too hard. cant be on jobseekers because they require you to look for work which negates dropping courses so as to avoid failure. i'm paranoid about seeing the guy who raped me everywhere and i want to be back with my partner. my special ed teacher is also ableist and has a dig at me every time i'm late to class even though i have adjustments from the disability unit for that. disability unit was also supposed to give me more adjustments to help me cope based on the fact that i have 5 disabilities now instead of the one i registered with but they forgot and now i need them and they're giving me s**t for it. my former partner is also sick and doctors are f*****g him around. i dont know where i am or what im doing half the time. i get lost and forget things so much. i forgot my name last week. i cant handle this s**t and i don't know what to do. everything is falling apart.

I don't make sense to myself, sometimes.

ETA: I hate moods like this, where I feel overwhelmed at the task before me, but I know that just sitting around will let it get worse. I used to feel like this a lot. I guess I need to cling to the knowledge that I will feel better again if I make some progress, and worse if I do nothing. I worry about my tendency to make bad decisions rashly when frustrated.

According to my grandmother, I only have problems with writing because I think I can't write. According to her, I've always been good at writing. I want to punch her sometimes.

I loathe hot weather. anything over 75F (24C) is too hot for me.

i miss the sound of a nice rain. unfortunately to us Californians, rain is a foreign concept now, and we only know about water if we're wasting it.

forgot to add last rant that i dated the guy i've had a crush on for 3 years and he turned out to be a douche in some ways. not a complete dick but he was just urgh. he'd changed since i met him. he used the word ret*d and c**t. told me to get over it. called me a c**t once. decried the racism of the Sutherland shire whilst asking me what ethnicity people who harassed me were, called my last partner/best friend a curry muncher and told me to tell him to go back to where he came from and frequently imitated peoples accents. knows i'm autistic, have anxiety, depression and ptsd but thinks its okay to just tell me that i'm not disabled without knowing what my life is like or knowing what a disability is. i have multiple sclerosis now. wonder if im disabled enough for him now. also thought it was okay one morning to wake up and tell me i'm not disabled or queer. like out of nowhere. just because. patronised me by telling me not to walk in the dark at night alone because i might get raped. it disregarded my autonomy and prior experience of being safe at night and constantly attacked in the day. got angry at me every time i touched him in affection. had sex and orgasmed without making me cum even though he knew it upset me. had sex with me that way even though he knew it triggered flashbacks. had sex with me while i was having flashbacks. yelled at me for not communicating with him even though i had tried and told him multiple times why i might ever be in communication deficit. invited me over to hang out with him but spent his time talking to his housemate who was homophobic, racist and sexist(not even at normal levels. he thought pauline hanson was right politically) even though he knew it stressed me out and made me feel unsafe and ignored. yelled at me for not making eye contact. got defensive about me suggesting he read the Hite report- a study of female sexuality. i suggested it as a way to maybe make him understand what i experienced in bed with him but he shut down the conversation before it started. and he had a habit of calling me in front of his housemate so it wasn't private(without me knowing) and it became a threeway conversation. dismissed his last partners criticisms of him as her just being emotional. and by the gods he gossiped a lot. all of the time. he threatened to break up with me a lot too and one day he did and i didn't care very much. my friend upon hearing we had broken up was just like "good" in a matter of fact way and i agreed.

So this makes 4 days in a row I've said something that regular people wouldn't, and am messing up my budding relationships with all my new acquaintances.

It's not fair!

I'm hungry now, but I'm scared of making something in the kitchen just in case I upset the f*****g stupid applecart again.

So I come on here but I'm afraid of joining in on threads in case I say something wrong there as well.

I just want to go and sit in a garage with my sleeping bag. But I've not even got a garage.

AND I'M STARVING!! !

so i wrote and finished an essay that was ableist on autism. all the texts i used to reference viewed even harmless autism traits as something to fix and the obsession with making autists socialise just made me feel sick. and my teacher wanted me to use people first language which i disagree with and she was like people don't like to be pigeon holed and its nice you feel that way about your identity but... Why are their feelings more important than those who identify as autistic rather that with autism?! i'm offended. also form now on i am a person with woman-ness, arab-ness and bisexuality-ness. i don't like to be pigeon holed(sarcasm). worst essay ever. i disagreed with everything i wrote. also 3000 words and i only did 2600-ish. was supposed to use 12 sources. used 7. when i write articles on race and culture the things i write are good and they are the exact same things i think one should do when teaching an autist. ideas of inclusion and acceptance of diversity, faulting the system not the person or identity. when did it become okay to speak of an identity in deficit? and after finishing that i realised i had an oral presentation in less than 12 hours i hadn't worked on. i missed it on purpose. i'm so ashamed of that.

The stupid man at the shop where I bought my bus card a few weeks ago for this month hasn´t inform me right about what papers I had to fill out to make it legal and so the card was useless!
Fortunately the woman at the train accepted another proof that I go to school for today and I didn´t have to pay for going by train illegal.

A site I used to frequent way back in the day decided to take something I said out of context. Here's me shoving a mirror in their face.

http://cartjockeyconfessions.wordpress. ... ass-house/

My hands really hurt.
Again.

Off and on I physically have a lot of difficulty going out of the house, sometimes for a day or sometimes for two or three weeks. I can't really deal with speaking on the phone because it takes so much energy to understand what anyone is saying and everyone has like... a life. My boyfriend isn't the picture of health either but we keep intouch via messenger very very often and I use messenger and various parts of the internet to communicate and be social and keep in touch with people.

Most of the time, I'm not "fine" with feeling crappy, but it doesn't affect my hands in a way that it hurts when I type. Suddenly tonight it's starting to.

I'm already having a difficult time getting out anything I need to get out and now this little animal is clawing at the back of my brain. There was one other time when my hands started hurting like this but that went away. Things are getting worse and worse though I don't know what I will do if I am stuck not able to type as much.

This "Complex Care Management Team" that I have been referred to 3 times now has still not called me back. I am in such a s**t state of health lately that my GP referred me to them, making me all excited that I could actually get some assistance getting to appointments and getting RX's and other things when things randomly go to hell. But I've had to try to chase after it for the past couple months and I don't have that energy. If i did I wouldn't need the program.

I feel really really miserable but I just need to wall it off all the time and even when I want to rant I can't even keyboard smash.

ok so maybe this:
stuff behind wall ---> <--- wall.

edit: had to add appropriate notations to emoticon. yes, was necessary.