Rants

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i'm tired. I wanna sleep, but I can't fall asleep. I can never get my schoolwork done. I don't do anything. It sucks. I don't know. I don't know what I'm good at. I don't know what I like to do. I feel like I don't have a life.
It feels like I don't know anything. I don't know what to do. I'm confused. I never have the motivation to do anything. I don't know what I wanna do in the future. I don't know what to do with my time.

I don't know what's going on. I am really, really tired.

It all got too much.
I've self-harmed.
Thought I was past this.
I'm disgusted with myself.

Yes, I did the best I could with what was available.
Sharp objects and a hard floor were available.
Nothing seems to relieve stress like pain.
How do I work around that?

I want to leave.
Lots of places.
This world.

I'm tired of being a misfit.

Hey cockroach, you got me on your side. I've been a fan of your posts and I still am.

Thanks.

I hate my husband so much. So, so much. He's such a bad husband. So mean. Aggressive. Emotionally abusive. 100% of his life is about sex, if he can't have it daily on deman he traumatizes me and any child who might be home at the time because he doesn't edit himself or care if they're here, he says everything is always MY fault, he says "well you MADE me do it", I can't take it, I cannot take it. My God. Every single day. Every. Day. I can't even describe it accurately. I can't go into specifics. I dont' even want specific replies addressing any specifci part of this, though empathy/sympathy/rage on my behalf is more than welcome, I just can't even pick this apart any further right now or I will implode. I just. Can't. He makes me overload until I'm actually stammering and stuttering and go mute.

I can't DO this. I can't DO this every day. Dammit now he's made me cry and he isn't even here. I hate when overload leads to tears because I get all congested and can't breathe. Ugh my life is an emotional horror story. Why did both of my parents have to die before I knew how to be an adult? Why am I completely alone except him and the kids, who arent' old enough to help me, and besides I'm supposed to be helping them, but couldn't do it right all these years, and the two oldest are both in separate rehabs for serious addiction problems and won't be here for thanksgiving and my brother died beore last thanksgiving and i'm going to be alone with my husband and daughter and I CAN"T DO THIS.

And the dishwasher broke.

I'm supposed to be taking my daughter and her best friend WITH my husband to a concert almost 2 hours awya tonight and I'm already overloaded so much I'm in tears.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so tired of being alone among so many people. I don't want to always have nobody to talk to about anything and suck it up because that's what moms do. I just want one friend. But nobody can handle me because I'm all wrong.

no friends
no family
no savings
no job
no guts
nobody to take care of me or help me with anything
no counselor / psychiatrist who will take my insurance yet (been trying)
no resources
no nothing.

been working on getting excellent credit since 2010 in case the s**t hit the fan, but need an income so that if that happens, i can pay it off. i type really fast and am great with research, especially medical research. i hope i can find a job online and start to put money away to make it so i can eventually but not yet. if i throw myself out there alone with kids i'll be in daily overload/meltdown and not be able to care for them. this way i recover each time an carry on forward towards that goal. but i am working on it.

thank you for the urgent reminder that it's required. i sometimes wonder if i deserve this because i am so broken and wrong. that helps remind me that isn't true.