Found out Wife is Having an Affair

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Well, good to hear you didn't get verbally abusive. Sounds like you did quite the opposite, and handled it well. Good luck in figuring out how you want to handle this situation. I don't envy you in the slightest.

Yeah. I tended to lose it when younger too.
Not sure how I'd handle something like that
now - though when my wife booted me, I didn't
get abusive at all - though I did get pretty damned
emotional.

My wife swears she did not check that email account in weeks and swears she didn't leave it open. She seems relieved that she has been caught. The issue I'm having right now is grasping how my wife who has been having an sexual and emotional affair with someone for 20 months can just cut off the affair just like that once I found out about it. Is that realistic for someone having an affair to separate themselves 100% after they've been having an relationship for that long? This wasn't a couple of one-night stands. She is always asking me if I'm hurt and angry. I asked her to put herself in my place and to tell me how she would feel if it was the other way around. She said that she would want to know "why" and then work it out. I asked her if she regretted the affair. At first she said "No" and then a split second later said yes and then proceeded to do some damage control.

I'm leaning towards trying to work things out. However not to be a pessimest, but I'm extremely skeptical that my marriage will be intact by this time next year. I know that she wants someone that is romantic and one who talks all the time about romantic stuff, etc. I'm pretty quiet and I'm not a big talker. I have an analytical brain and I'm very practical. I think my personality and by me having OCD and Aspie traits do not help the situation. I'm tired of apologizing for the way I am. I'm who I am. I will not be able to change the way she wants me to. I have an appointment with Pyschartrist next month to evaluate me. My wife is hoping that the doctor will prescribe some pills to make me normal. The pills might help mask some of my OCD and Aspie traits but they are not going to help resolve our relationships issues. This is why deep down I do not think the relationshp will work. However I'll try one more time and try to give it my all.

Dave

Dave?

You have the psychiatrist appointment and she doesn't have one too? Um, I would highly recommend couples counseling. And she NEEDS to see the psychiatrist too.

No joke.

It's like you're getting stuck with being "the problem" and I don't think that's fair.

She didn't have an affair because of you being an Aspie. Or OCD. Or because you like a certain music or movies. She had it because she wanted to do it. She's blaming you for it though. Not fair.

You marry the person, for who they are, not what you can make them into.

There's a funny saying:

"Men marry women hoping they will never change.
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Both sides are equally disappointed."

Maybe you both did that? Maybe you hoped she would "get over" the wanting romantic stuff as it didn't seem that important to be a condition of getting married n the first place. And maybe she figured that over time you would "get it" and become the romantic guy she wanted, if she just dropped enough hints.

A counselor could help bring those kinds of hidden conflicts to the surface, the underlying reasoning, like that saying. Maybe you'll both get a good laugh out of it and be able to form a new bond, based on true communication. It could happen. Finding out many NEW things about each other.

Sort of like that Pina Colada song? Where the couple was tired of each other, and discovered when they were both going to cheat that there were tons of things they didn't know about each other. Like taking walks in the rain.

If nothing else, the couples counselor can also help prepare you for communication with future people. How to start off a relationship on good solid ground. Hmm?

TRUE is absolutely right, a marriage is a group effort. (Well...a group of two...but anyways...) Both sides have to work to keep it going strong. It isn't reasonable for her to want you to go and get "fixed," as that suggests this is all your fault. Oh yeah, what about the whole affair thing? Sure, she might try to say it was your fault, but that's a load of garbage.

It sounds like she wants to try and fix things. Well, it sounds like she wants to try and get you fixed to her liking. That's problematic, but it suggests she still wants this marriage to work. Maybe part of the reason the affair lasted so long is the risk involved, the possibility she would get caught?

As for separating themselves so quickly, she may realize that her options now are ending all contact with the guy, or losing you as well.

She may have initially said no, because she may have been angry / upset as well. You have suggested that she thinks something is lacking in the relationship. She went and took care of that in a really inappropriate way, but she got what she wanted. Unfortunately she might have gotten the same result, but from you, if she had put more work into it as well.

Just be careful with this. It really sounds like she expects you to do the majority of the work in your marriage, which is unreasonable and unfair.

Are you absolutely sure she's had an affair? I mean, you have indisputable evidence?

I know I worry about that sort of thing all the time. I've been married for 6 years and I've conditioned myself to not worry as much as I used to. But I still do. I think it's part of my condition that would lead me to so very many false accusations. It's a wonder my wife hadn't given up in frustration from dealing with my paranoia. But I would take all the facts and details, analyze, cross analyze. Could be a combo of little things I noticed in the past, how she said something, suspected double entendres. It was sorta like that old coffee commercial. The one where the husband has that second cup of coffee in the morning. The woman notices this and you hear her thinking "That's strange. Bill (whoever) never has a second cup of coffee in the morning". I could and would compile all suspicious details, blend 'em together, and voila! Once I established how all the dots connected it was accusation time.

Suffice to say I've never caught her on anything like that. Generally there would be a perfectly practical explanation that meshed just as well with my investigation as the accusation.

What's the saying? Can't see the forest for all the trees? That's me and I wish I could change the behavior.

If you don't have any indisputable evidence I'd tread and handle this carefully. My wife, I think, is special for putting up with me. Yours might not be so flexible.

I have email proof of the affair. She's confessed to the affair.

Dave

so what are you gonna do?
do you want to make the relationship work?
do you still want to be with her

Dave, it sounds like she is trying to manipulate you into being the one that does all of the changing. My ex tried to do this to me before we got divorced. She handed me a big long list of things that I had to do to make her happy. I said fine and here is a list of things that I would like for you to do. Well that was the end of it right there. She just couldn't understand how she could ever do anything wrong. Most NT women will never, ever admit they are wrong or take any kind of responsibility for their actions.

From all I understand about AS, betrayal hurts us worse than it otherwise might. I mean, the trait about us having a tendency to be honest to a fault and having difficulty deceiving others. That's me. But on the flip side, being betrayed is one of the worst things imaginable to me. Especially being betrayed like that. I would assume that's why I am so neurotic about it.

I always was morbidly fascinated at how many couples would cheat and carry on. Whether it was just one of 'em or both, so often they'd end up staying together. But among NT's it seems to just be another part of life. A grievous one but no more impossible to overcome than the death of a family member or losing a job. And I'm sure that after the fact, many of the cheaters don't cheat again.

It's ultimately up to your own psychology. Are you like me and have problems with betrayal? Problems with holding a grudge and moving on? I mean, if you're going to be engrossed from now on about every move she makes it probably will make you perpetually sick with worry. And for her part, she likely would get sick of it and end the marriage herself.

If you love this woman and have any notion that she loves you in turn sleep on it awhile longer before burning the bridge. Ultimately you'd have to show her you feel you can trust her again. And, to me, that's the scariest thought of all.

There is another aspect to consider. I don't want to sound presumptuous. But I feel like, for the majority of women, that sex isn't the first motivation for continuing an affair. I would bet that it was something less tangible than a roll in the hay she was searching for. Whether it be simply the attention, show of affection, just plain feeling wanted in any fashion. You mentioned being out of state because of your occupation. Are you gone a great deal of the time? It probably isn't a tempting thought to ask her such touch feely things right now. But if you can find the will, I think you should.

Are you like me in the sense that you aren't the most cuddly and chatty husband? Is she aware of your having AS? Aware that you are as much a feeling human being as any other but have difficulty expressing it conventionally?

Sex wasn't the main reason she had the affair. My wife is very needy and I cannot meet all of her emotional needs. I'm tired of apologizing to her because of this. I did contact the guy's wife by email and told her what was going on. She said she already knew and they she and her husband made a deal for him to tell her everything they (my wife/boyfriend) did (sex, conservations, etc) together. Just a hunch but I think the wife gets off on hearing about her husband and my wife. I told my wife that his wife told me that everything the two did or said to each other was told by my wife's boyfriend to his wife. When I told her this she just went into a blank stare and I saw tears in her eyes. This is why I was asking in my previous post if it is possible for two people that are involved in a sexual and an emotional affair that lasted 20 months to just give it just like that with no further contact. My wife's feelings are hurt now because based on what his wife told me that her husband told her every initmate deal of my wife's and his relationship bugs the s**t out of her. She wasn't and doesn't seem as concerned about the hurt she has caused me. She says she still wants to work it out though. I would like your thoughts on what the wife told me

Dave

I also suggest marital counseling. It does sound like she's being manipulative, making it all your fault and making you be the one that has to do all the changing.

My ex was like that, making me out to always be the villain, making me be the one to always apologize. Don't stand for it. Don't be a doormat. Remember: She was the one that was unfaithful. She's the villain here, not you. Don't let her turn it all around to be all your fault.

Yes, you didn't meet her needs the way she expected you to. Did she ever talk to you about it, try to meet you halfway with it? I suspect not. You both dropped the ball, but she took it out of bounds, so don't let her make you feel like the one who needs to do all the apologizing.

IF she won't go to couples counseling... then she really doesn't want to try. She's the one that got caught cheating. If she loves you, she'll do what it takes to make it work.

Sounds like she thought she was playing both of you. The reaction to how the other wife found out was a blow.
I really would ask her if she wants to go to counselling for your marriage. If she doesn't, then you really have your answer. Stop making this your fault. She may be "NT" but she has massive communication and empathy problems. She sounds selfish and immature.

REmember, she only came clean when you provided proof of those emails. You gave her a chance to confess with the second letter and she lied, thinking she could. That is how she respects your relationship. And it sounds like she expected the Other Man to do the same.


You may need counselling to learn how to have a healthy relationship. But that's for you, and no one else. You don't go to a doctor to be fixed for someone else's benefit.

My ex was like that, making me out to always be the villain, making me be the one to always apologize. Don't stand for it. Don't be a doormat. Remember: She was the one that was unfaithful. She's the villain here, not you. Don't let her turn it all around to be all your fault.


I'm inclined to agree with you on that one, Johnny. But the differences in what's 'necessary' to an an NT is one degree of seperation from us. And I'd say an entire degree further because she's a woman.

First off, I'm of the Anne Frank club in the belief that all people are inherently good people. It's social conditioning that makes us into villains or at least the acts of such.

We're no more villains than they are, however. But even among NT's a breakdown of communication and connection is what usually leads to this sort of behavior. That's why I asked if you were away from home for any length of time. Between that and the most typical of Aspie socialization difficulties it makes sense. If not necessairly a justification.

In my experience, I believe that women are much more emotionally complex than we men. AS/NT tendencies are irrelevant. I always believed my wife still had feelings for her first love, her ex-husband, etc. I've learned to deal with that. Love doesn't have a limit or a ration really. But women have a mysterious capacity for the harboring of it. I've convinced myself that there's nothing really irreprehensible about that fact. It just is. So long as I'm at the front of the pack I'm content with the idea.

Dave; I take this from what you said about your wife "tearing up" when you divulged what you learned from the other man's wife. She was embarrassed and humiliated. I think that probably was the first emotion she felt. After that the upset that this betrayal, of sorts, was inflicted upon her. Personally, I'd take pleasure in that irony and it's perhaps the best punishment she could receive for her behavior. I believe women take intimate moments much more personal than a man generally does. I'd say that was the absolute first reaction. If she actually did have feelings for this man, and she proabably did no matter how superficial, it was all the more degrading.

Could she just cut the ties so easily? Perhaps so considering the circumstances. I'd imagine she's fuming mad at the other guy and has absolutely no desire to contact him. Well, other than to curse him out maybe.

Whether it's him or another fella it still comes down to the fundamental fact that ya'll have problems. This, if you wish it, is the fulcrum by which to bring said problems into the realm of open conversation. Don't even bother with internalized and moot arguments of whether she actually loves you or not. Attempt a deep and non-judgemental conversation over the state of the union. Afterwards, judge as you see fit and punish or pardon accordingly.

You might be enlightened by her responses and she might be just as much so by yours. The marriage deserves at least this. Afterwards its all down to whether you believe there can be happiness between you both in the future.

Like I said before. I think that adultery among NTs has a lesser significance than to myself. I'm trying to make broad strokes for Aspies in general because I really don't know. She, like any of us, just wants to be happy. Find out why you couldn't and go from there.

Were you happy prior to this revelation?

Yeah. New wrinkle. Wow. Having read about affairs from the other side on another site, it's very possible that the affair on the part of the other guy only served to make their own marriage more enjoyable.

It's another one of the many variations of human sexuality. In that other case it was a woman who had affairs, and the husband LOVED hearing about them. Loved to be humiliated and dominated. It was a workable marriage though, they fulfill each other's needs. I suppose that is what we want from marriage. When it's really up to us to make our needs known and to think if they are unreasonable and to work towards making ourselves into a happy person.

For your wife, it would be devastating to know that her emotional investment in this guy was a waste of time. She's not going to get anything out of it, in the long run. That is what she discovered when you told her that the other man's wife knew, and he would tell her everything.

She was used. Used by the other man. And even used by the other man's wife. And that's gotta hurt. A lot.

In essence, the other man lied to her. She is now betrayed as well. Who knows what things he told her, that were pure lies. Who knows how much he led her on? You have seen the emails, did he make promises?

There was one creep that I dated for awhile, and I, being the clueless, believe-everything Aspie, did not know he was married. He would call me at home. Come by to see me at work. Blah blah blah.

He made promises. Of the future. I believed them. I did not know.

I'd run out of fingers and toes if I tried to count the number of people that have lied to me.



Couples counseling. No ifs, ands, or buts. You both have to go. You're both hurt now. You may both take it out on each other, and that will never work out. The problems need to be directly addressed and dealt with. Not fester for years in silence or anger or sullen glances and avoidance.

It can help a lot to have a third person, like a mediator, that has both your best interests at heart. Look at all the advice and suggestions you are getting here. You're getting a lot of support. You both need that, together, as a couple. From a non-threatening person who hasn't already taken sides.