Suicide - no-one understands?

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I hope you could get that certificate soon.

That would really help you.

You seem to have good brains.

Sorry to hear you have reached the bottom of the pit, so to speak, and that you have expressed this to people close to you and no one seems to have offered any help. Perhaps like others have said here, the people you have talked to just don't know what to say or are afraid to consider talking about it.

Do you think this is a situational depression you are in, or is it organic (brain chemicals messed up?). Or a bit of both? There was a suicide in my family in 1995. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life and I have been through some bad stuff including 2nd degree burns on 15% of my body after being trapped in a burning van. If you have parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, friends, etc you have no idea how much your life impacts theirs and what a "legacy" you would be leaving in their lives forever. The person in my family that killed them self had no idea what it would do to me, the sleepless nights, the nightmares when I did sleep, the total physical collapse of my health, the time I had to be off work because of my collapse, the drugs I have had to be on ever since. Over two decades later, I can barely function on the "anniversary" date each year. And that was just me, not the closest of all the relatives. Is that the legacy you want to leave?

Often suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem(s). Please get professional help to untangle the web of problems that have led you to this point. If you had a severe gash and were bleeding to death, I would not try to stitch you up myself, or ask your friends to do it. I would apply pressure to the wound but I would call 911 to get you professional help ASAP to save your life. You have a "gash" in your heart and emotions right now and you are "bleeding out" and while lots of people here care about you and what you are going through I don't know that any of us can do more than apply pressure to the "wound" you need a professional to help save your life. Keep talking to us here, and we'll do our best to apply pressure but please get the help you need.

aspieinaz, Thank you for your response, it definitely had an impact on me. I'm doing a bit better now, in my case I think it's a mix of genetics and bad circumstances later in life. I was a very happy kid and never thought I would be like this 20 years later. Stressful stuff all at once seems to trigger it, so it becomes a bad circle where I get stuck and can't stop certain thoughts. Am working on it though. Sorry about what happened in your family

In my experience, some people just don't want to hear about it. I have been told that I'm not the only one with problems, which I know is true, and to just "get over it". I don't know, maybe it is so shocking for people to hear that they respond with indifference or even anger, which is why I no longer say anything to anyone. I'm glad you are doing better though, most of the time the thoughts pass after a while and you feel better, especially if you can find something else to occupy your mind.

Because no one else can change you. If you ask someone for specific things that they can do, people will likely do it. But they can't make you unsuicidal. They perhaps understand that sharing a perhaps mutual shared pain that hurts so strongly as that just spreads the pain around and they don't want to do that.

The 'S' word is very emotionally laden and liable to make people back away, unless they are very close/committed to you (or a professional and even they will be coldly clinical usually). Thats irl. Online people can show more concern and response but even then its because they are safely removed at a moments notice.

We all are different. But what might help is finding that thing inside you, that part that wants to do things and accomplish things and bring it forward. Concentrate on this survivor instinct we all have, and of themselves, the discouraged parts will fade slowly in the backround.

Thank you.

Long ago I mentioned to my doctor that I hoped my illness would kill me. She just laughed as if I was joking. I have realized later on that I look pretty much the same when I am OK compared to when I'm depressed. People usually think I do better than I do when I am not well because I just explains in words how I feel. I guess to get through to them, one needs to look a certain way, or they won't take you seriously.

Also I noticed people design a role for you to play. Mine was "the strong one". I never asked to play that part. But as the strong one one cannot fold. Other people will not accept it.