Sorry For the Sudden Disappearance

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If anyone noticed my sudden absence, it's because I was in the hospital again for my depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation, for twelve days. I'm back now, and I think I'm doing a bit better, at least. I'm going to be getting outpatient ECT - hopefully that will work for my self-harm, since nothing else has. I had my first session of ECT this morning, before being discharged from the hospital. I had some jaw pain afterward (though that was expected because I also have TMD) and am a bit unsteady and not thinking quite as clearly as usual now, I think, but am otherwise fine. Also I have a bad habit of reading PMs, thinking of a reply while I'm away from the computer, and then forgetting that I never actually wrote and sent the reply, so I deeply apologize to anyone whose PM(s) I haven't answered. Please let me know if that's the case, and I'll try to do better about replying.

You're a very sweet and respectful person.

I hope all the treatments work well for you.

Was the stay at the hospital okay?

Aww, thank you My stay wasn't too bad, although I was getting pretty antsy by the end of my time there. But I got my own room, which made it bearable, and I knew from previous experience which groups they'd be really wanting me to go to so I could make sure to go to them. Overall I guess kind of between my previous two experiences of being hospitalized for these or related issues. Very glad to be home and able to do pretty much whatever I want again, though.

Fox hugs. Glad your ok.

Pleas keep updating with your experience of ECT. I'm currently looking at it as an option, but my friend is against it and I know my family would be too. But I have lived with suicidal ideation, suicidal action and severe self harm (I'm currently in hospital being treated for a serious injury) for years and nothing else has worked. My GP asked my psych to refer me for it, but I have to have another appointment with a different psych to see if it is "for me".

Will do. I haven't noticed any difference yet, although I've only had two treatments so far. I was exhausted the morning of my second treatment, probably from a combination of getting up really early and the general anesthetic still wearing off, but I wasn't even sure if they'd done the treatment or if I'd fallen asleep on my own. Still really wanted to bleed last night

I think today was maybe my sixth ECT treatment. So far I haven't noticed any change, really. Still lots of depression, still wanting to self-harm. I'm not sure if it's the ECT or the depression that's responsible, but my memory/ mental capabilities do seem to be suffering a little. Not sure if it's the general anesthesia they give me for it, the procedure itself, or both, but I'm pretty much out of commission all morning on my ECT days. Sorry, I wish I had better news to report I'm looking at possibly heading to a longer-term residential treatment facility in Chicago sometime soon - interview or whatever with them on Wednesday, so I should at least be around for the coming week or so. Don't know what Internet access may be like there or exactly how long I'd be staying, so I may or may not be disappearing indefinitely - hopefully I'd at least get enough lead time to post something beforehand, but I can't make any guarantees since I also don't know how quickly they'd want me up there if the interview or whatever indicates to them that I should go in-patient there.

For what it’s worth I’ll miss you a lot. You’re. Nice to me unlike a lot of women.
Fox hugs

Good luck, dragonsanddemons. I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time.

Good Luck Dragonsanddemons, I'll miss you though. I'm sorry that you're struggling like that, hopefully this will help.

I'm sorry you're not having the results you wished for, dragons. I have read that ECT often takes between 9 and 12 treatments before benefits are seen, and that if you're having unilateral and it doesn't help, that bilateral might work better. I'm still waiting for my meeting with the ect consultant to see if I'm suitable.

Good luck with your meeting on Wednesday. I feel like I could do with a longer stay in hospital - I have previously had long stays (my longest was 6 months) which have been helpful, but they're recently implementing a 4 day only rule for patients with a BPD diagnosis (which I have). It's rubbish because it doesn't take into account comorbid depression, anxiety etc.

Thank you for the well wishes, everyone.

Yeah, I know it might just not be long enough, but it's getting quite frustrating to keep doing this, have it prevent me from doing some things, and only be seeing negative effects from it. I believe I am also only getting unilateral right now, so that's also an option to switch to bilateral. I've heard the nurses talking to other patients about it being their 19th treatment or something But, well, I've kind of reached the point where if it might help at all, I'll give it a try - I'm just also rather impatient.

The residential program looks like it would be for one month. I've only had stays of ten days or so, at different places, which were set up to be more short-term.

I really hope that you can find something that works for you as well, whatever it may be. I don't have a diagnosis of BPD, but I do know firsthand how hard it is to deal with self-harm, suicidal thoughts, etc., and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Whatever path you end up taking, I hope it goes well for you.

*human hugs*