I'm such a f**k up

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I'm worried about you YellowBanana and hope you find something to cheer you up.

I was threatened with a prison sentence myself and treated like dirt by the police and people where I lived for months. Eventually it all passed. Don't lose hope.

Is there anything particularly that is troubling you a lot?

Fifasy is an artist, and a good person to talk to.

I wish I can see you in person, Banana. We can discuss many things.

You have the brains and life experience for ultimate success.

Talk to Fifasy. He’s been through the mill.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my CJSW. We were basically catching up on how my holiday went and planning what we would work on together.

I opened up about my continued suicidal thoughts including that I have a plan for my suicide. She told me she would have to contact out of hours social and the police to carry out a welfare check. Two minutes after I got home from the appt, the police showed up. They again took me to the psych hospital and again I was assessed and let go. This time the doctor who saw seemed very reluctant to let me go but had no choice as my suicide plan wasn't to take place imminently (although I do have a date on which I plan to carry it out). He is trying to get me an urgent appt with my psychiatrist or a CPN - though I doubt they'll be able to change my mind.

It boils down to the fact that I'm an unemployed middle age woman with autism, mental health problems and a criminal record. It's not like I have any kind of a future. I feel like I am using resources (psych time, support worker time, social worker time, police time, hospital beds etc) that would be better given to someone else. I am a constant worry to my parents and friend, and they would be better off without that worry. And then there's also the fact that I might still be given a custodial sentence in August which would make all my feelings above a thousand times worse.

On the plus side, the CJSW said I had been engaging really well and that we could reduce our meetings from once a week to once a fortnight.

Today has been an OK day. I went out with my support worker, E, for lunch, then went to the cinema this afternoon. I'm going back to the cinema for a second film later.

Thanks for writing a supportive post to me when I felt very down a whole ago. You're a good person.

There’s lots of useful, good in you, too.

Thanks for the vote of goodness, folks. I do try to be a good person, but I'm not sure how often I succeed.

Today has been rather a nightmare. First I realised I had lost my phone, and then I discovered this morning that the sockets in my kitchen were dead when I went to make my morning cuppa. No big deal, I think. I go find the circuit breaker that has tripped, and flick it back to On. Hurrah! Things stayed on. For about a minute, before the circuit breaker went clunk again. Repeated the circuit breaker reset several times, but each time it just tripped again. So I had to phone an electrician. I hate using the phone, it makes me really anxious, so this was a huge deal. But I managed it. Then my support worker, M, showed up - an appointment I had forgotten about. Still she was good moral support when the electrician showed up - I don't like having people in my home so this was tough. Electrician narrowed the problem down to my freezer tripping the electrics. So I need a new freezer. And a lot of food is going to end up going to waste.

And in the midst of the chaos (the electrician basically had to dismantle the kitchen to check everything), the police showed up! They were doing a welfare check because I hadn't responded to the texts sent by out of hours social work. Well of course I hadn't.... I couldn't find my phone! The police seemed happy to see that M was there, and also accepted that I had lost my phone. They said they'd let social work know, and left.

M and the electrician have now left so it's time to order a new freezer and have a meal from the freezer....

I am so tired. And this stress really isn't helping my mood.

Hi YellowBanana, It seems as if you are getting a lot of support/interaction but also that it is all due to your attempts at suicide and your crime/thingy. Do you see anyone who is trained in autism?

Our situations don't appear that dissimilar but the help you are getting would not help me (in fact it would push me over the edge) and it looks as if it only helps you in the immediacy. I know I am going to have to help myself and that I can only do this by working with my autism. Are you addressing yours? I'm concerned that with so much going on and all those people your autism is getting pushed out of the picture.

Hi Fluffysaurus

My support workers (N,E and M) are provided by the local autistic society so I regularly see people trained in autism. Prior to my offence and period in prison on remand, I had 3 hours support a week from them and have had this since 2012. After being released from prison, and after my father left a month and half later, this rose to 10 hours support a week.

I am grateful for the support, but it feels overwhelming when I often just need to shut myself away and not interact with people just to stay calm, and especially so when I also have all sorts of other appointments and people involved as well (CJSW, MHSW, psychiatrist, self harm service, and currently plastic surgery dressings appts for my recent injury). My week is busy with appointments and support - which the services have set up on purpose because I am the kind of person that will always show up to meetings because I think it's disrespectful not to and hate letting people down, even when in the long run it can turn out to be too much for me. So they think by making me have commitments, they are keeping me safe. And to an extent, they are.

All of the none autism-specific services take my autism into account, as did psychotherapy when I went to that for 4 years, but my mental health just continues to deteriorate. Which is why I feel like I am wasting resources that would be better used to help someone else. Someone who can be helped, and who, ultimately, will not end up taking their own life. I may not go through with my current plan, or I may and it may fail, but even my psychiatrist has commented that it is likely I will at some point successfully complete suicide (I think she says this to try to shock me, but it's actually quite comforting to me).

I have in the past really tried to help myself, find ways of coping with my autism and mental health etc, with varying degrees of success, but at this point I have given up because I honestly see no future for myself ... so what's the point in trying?

I had given up on life a few years ago. I hit a rut with my chosen career path and lost money and friends. I bounced back when I accidentally found new interests and new perspectives that changed everything.

Everything is relative. Where you are right now, things look bleak. Further in time, they may not. Time changes everything.

Today I had my first appointment with the self harm service since my holiday. I broke down and told her exactly how I was feeling, full suicide plan included.

She arranged an emergency appt with the duty GP at my GP surgery, who sent me in a taxi to the psych hospital to be assessed.

I have been admitted. It'll probably just be for a few days.

I'm glad you felt able to talk properly with her and that you are getting help.

What's it like in the psych hospital? Are you sending this on your phone from there or did they send you home first and then you go back? Sorry I'm very ignorant on how these things work.

I hope that they can be of help and reassurance to you.