Joe90 wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I hope the doctor treats you well, and listens to you.
Are you also talking to your fiancé? I hope he’s listening to you.
You are much better than you think you are. I believe you are your own worst enemy.
I almost wish you could do full-time with the bus company—but I’m not going to directly advocate that.
Your mum would love it if you pay tribute to her at Christmas in some way.
And stop comparing yourself to other people. It’s something that is a lose-lose proposition for even the “best” of people.
I set up my Christmas tree, all lit up with lights. I did it for my mum.
Yes I am my own worst enemy. I treat myself how I would never treat other people. I don't know how to stop.
I've always compared myself to my peers - whether they're NT or not. I do this more when depressed. I suppose that is a symptom of depression. I suppose I'm finding it hard to move on from the past, like I'm in purgatory; I can't forgive myself for all my social failures so I can't move on. And when the same social rejection/isolation is still happening to me in adulthood as it did in high school, it's hard to forget and move on. Whenever I do get excluded from social activities, it haunts me back to my high school days, and because I've developed much better social skills since then, I feel I shouldn't be socially rejected any more. Other adult Aspies seem to be included in social activities with their peers.
I understand this. Comparing oneself to others and judging oneself as inferior is a sign of low self-esteem, which is definitely a symptom of depression. If it weren't for the (thankfully) very effective meds I'm on I'd probably still be in the same position. I've learnt over time that harshly judging oneself in relation to others - whilst a perfectly natural thing to do - also blocks any progress you make as a person. I managed to pull myself out of that mental mode
eventually, but it took a good fifteen years and lots of help from others.
Glad you feel better today. Your post had me wondering about one thing - you say you can't make friends and are excluded socially. Do you really not have any friends or is it just that depression prevents you from valuing the ones you do have? Have certainly been prone to the latter during bouts of depression myself.