No Prom...

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I remember months ago of how there is going to be a school prom night for us to come after we graduated. I was happy about it. I wanted to enjoy it.

Now I realize how it's pointless. A prom night but not having anyone to talk to is a nightmare. I am soon to turn 19 and I do not have people outside of my family that I consider "friends". All of this mainstream influence I see and what I experience made me question the validity of this morality. Recently was doing some research into the philosophy subject of "Existentialism" and apparently I feel like I am part of my own existential struggle combined with the revolutionary fervor for a communist society.

I feel like since I began to depart from the mainstream reality, the other side feels rather empty. It made me feel like no one would want me because of my deviation from the mainstream standards. I want a communist society but I want it free of mainstream falsehood and free of individual oppression (liberal, nationalist, fascist, capitalist, imperialist) against all. Two months without a close friend. Time promised to heal me, right? Am I not being healed or am I experiencing a new change of my worldview and the perception of reality and life for I feel like no one truly would want to be a close friend with me unless I give up and conform to the mainstream standards.

Some say that I'm going through a phase and that I might grow out of it. But why? I have seen through my experience a sudden change as if some voice approached me and presented me a whole other that I wasn't aware of. Living nearly 19 years and here I am, at the end of puberty, suddenly filled with the thought that there is no valuable meaning to life since the fall of Yugoslavia and communism and that these new social changes brought up are nothing but a violation of not just my autism but also my mindset in general.

All I feel like is I am being taught to hate myself for simply being born different and not being born in a successful country. Maybe if I was understood and given the comfort I needed without being betrayed and dishonored, maybe then I wouldn't feel the need to be passively rebellious. I can feel social corruption is taking place. It is sweeping around the world left and right. I was not inherently born a revolutionary, I became one because I realized that something is very wrong about the current society.

Prom Night is a capitalist tradition of the western bourgeoisie.

Well, judging by the stereotype of them wearing an upper-class dress it is. Maybe if the prom were too much stereotypical to the West then it ain't quite. I'm still conflicted with the prom thing since it is a social occasion and yet I here vent about how I am currently in a state of existential despair knowing that I am different and I will always be different from others and that no one outside my family will ever understand me because of how different I look and act upon.

I feel like I lost faith in the people outside of my family. It was all well and good until one conflict and incident changed the course of it all. Now, it's just the question of how long until I determine that I can no longer trust the outside environment. I simply do not belong in the mainstream environment at all. I feel like a person wanting to create a diverse environment that is not mainstream.

Nothing is normal. Everything is so stupid. I can't even begin to tell on how and why I don't like liberalism and nationalism. Nothing is super anymore. Childhoods end and adulthoods begin. I don't feel like part of this mainstream environment. But you know what? I'm gonna break it. It needs a new environment. Something fresh. Something universal. Something diverse. Mainstream environment provided by liberals and fascists is homogenous! Homogenity is the evil! Homogenity wants pure. I will not be genocided by the homogenists! They want it all pure and perfect! They ruined communism with their stupid homogenity for communism is not homogenous but heterogenous!

I'm not happy. I will fight so I can be happy like the rest but not be like the rest.