What’s on your mind? The Haven version.

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I always worry about being misunderstood as enthusiastic about China-related threads.

The fact is that I am not familiar with other topics, and my enthusiasm for replying disappears between looking up information and choosing words.

It makes me feel sad sometimes that because of my dissociation disorder I am immature for my age and I also have learning difficulties

But sometimes it doesn't make me feel sad because sometimes I think I have a better time than anyone

Humanity is irredeemably evil and insane and I can't enjoy anything anymore because of it. Hope the asteroid comes and hits the Earth soon.

I think it's like good for the universe when people go a bit easier on themselves and others

Why do I get so upset when people pick on me?
For no reason?
How do I become immune to this?
Because I don't think I deserve it.
And I don't want to keep believing I'm the problem.

I don't know why anyone would want to pick on you

How does one get over a decades long struggle, and for it to be gone all the sudden?

I've been through several internal changes myself, but this...
This is more physical. More visceral. Very visibly apparent, too to a point that it did affect my reality so much.

It's not even a form of loss -- if it's a loss, it's a very welcome loss.
But it's a form of gain. A huge, HUGE gain. Yet it's a just as a huge change.



There's stop using something as an excuse, regardless if it's there or not, it's there.
I've been there. I've done that. And did it again.

And then there's -- the excuse just suddenly doesn't exists anymore.
It's like this. At the moment, all I have is this subconsicous disbelief and it's taking me time.

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After watching the shouting match in the White House, I was very sad. It reminded me of the same experience in my college dormitory. I had replayed it many times but still couldn’t find a breakthrough. Compulsive thinking continued in my mind.

I've managed to sprang my left knee at the flea market yesterday. Now I won't be able to go on my walks.

Just so so so so so tired. And the way the world is heading is stressing me out. Bullies reign, bullies bully, and bullies get rewarded for being bullies.

I just finished reading a book that was…impactful. It stirred up a lot of things, not in a bad way. I highlighted especially important passages, but I wonder if I should do something more before moving on to another book. I usually go the lazy route and move on, but it feels a bit different this time.

I'm just very annoyed that my mom doesn't practice conserving food and portioning cooking.

She cooks as if there might be 3 men will come as guests for dinner and finish it all before we had a chance to eat.

That portion will last us a day and a breakfast.

Look, I don't mind if she has *ahem* a "boyfriend" from work, whatever the hell the nature of their relationship is, and will visit for, what? About less than once a month? 3 times at most.

Or literally an entire girls night out from her group of mom friends at home.

But interfering in the household and causing THAT -- causing her to waste food because of a possible "expected guests" that never arrived likely around less than 2 times out of 30 times they might've -- it's a strike for me.


Worse is today; cook a certain portions at her request. 2 meals worth of rice, for 2 of us.
She planned that she wants one portion for dinner and another for tomorrow.

Already had a cooked rice at home. It's enough for the 2 of us at dinner. No need to cook for more.

But she insisted I should. Then she'll cook meat and I just wait for ger. I took out the excess rice so I'll just eat it myself.
And I did. Then she complained it's too much.

But it gets "better"
I waited for her. Oh, except, well, it's practically 9 frickin PM. The rice I took out that I intend to eat for dinner? WASTED.


I should never trust her with my plans and my time. Never conform to her plans, ever.

Unless it coincides, I'll exclude my own serving.
If she takes too long, I will cook my own meal.

And she wondered WHY she lived as if she's alone??? Because that's what I want to live as.

Look, I don't mind doing housework chores and whatever homemaking tasks.

What happened tonight; THAT is NOT what I want. Will NEVER allow that to be the damn norm.

And she wondered why that one family friend we hired to clean the house expressed that the fridge has excessive waste of food in fridge??

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Sometimes a good cry can make all the difference. It would probably be a positive thing if I did it more.

I keep a diary when I live alone, which allows me to examine my life. I use AI to analyze my diary to ensure that my view is not biased.