hopelessly hopeless

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I've been meaning (really, needing) to say something on here for a couple months now at least but I always feel like a whiner posting here. I certainly don't have it as bad as many people here; I'm adult, I live alone and I'm more or less self-sufficient. But I feel like I really need to spill all this somewhere, to SOMEONE, before it drives me crazy, and I don't really have any friends or other confidants to talk to about all this....so here I am. I apologize for the rambling but I simply not in the state to mold this into my usual prose.

I'm so freaking lonely. Not in the physical way; actually I have a "buddy" for that and I've grown to find it wholly boring and unfulfilling. I mean lonely emotionally. Some days all I want is a god damned hug and someone to tell me "it's ok" and I am denied even that. I have family, but I'm not close to them in that way, nor am i close to any of my local "friends." Basically nobody to talk to, nobody to help, nobody to help share my burdens even a little. And just as important nobody to share life with. It's so bad that the most of my fantasies are about sharing my favorite books, movies, music, etc with someone. I have more or less given up on happiness in this regard, though there is the faintest glimmer of hope left.

Without an outlet the stresses of work and life in general have begun to build up. My family is a great source of stress for me; the extended family pretty much stuck my mom with caring for my great aunt, which put a lot of stress on my parents both financially and emotionally. They are also constantly arguing with my younger brother, who lives with them. I used to eat dinner at their house every night and the emotional stress would often leave me with physical symptoms by the time I left. The death of the great aunt over the weekend hasn't made things much better. (no need to send condolences; I had no emotional attachment to my great aunt.) I've since reduced that to four nights a week and managed to do so without having to tell them that I won't come over because they drive me nuts.

Work has been busy and stressful too. I've spent a lot of time cleaning up after the incompetent university sysadmin who "manages" our servers for us. Thank the gods they gave sudo access so I can clean up his messes. Plus there's been some other after hours emergencies due to people doing stupid things and I had to clean up after those as well.

All in all, I'm now permanently on the edge of a meltdown, and nobody to talk to about it.

Lately things have gotten more complicated because something that should not happen to me has happened....I have developed a crush on someone at work. At least, I think I have, because it's all rather new for me. I've never had a REAL crush on anyone before this. I've had one six-month relationship in my 35 years, and that was with someone I was with basically because she was the first girl to ever show any real interest in me. But I've never had an emotional attachment to another person...until now.

This time feels different. She's absolutely perfect. She plays WoW. She watches sci-fi and anime. She has a wonderfully twisted and quirky sense of humor. She's a bit shy, and geeky, and quiet. She even seems to enjoy talking to me, I think. I can't tell for sure of course. Any signals being sent are totally lost on me.

Of course I am way too terrified to really do anything about this. I can barely bring myself to chat with her via IM at work without making up a work-related excuse. Sometimes she stops by my office on the way back to hers to talk about something or other (usually work related but it inevitably drifts away from that) The times I get to talk to her, even just via IM, are the only bright points in my days. For a little while, I don't feel like a ghost in the world.

Then reality comes crashing back, hard.

All I can think of is why would someone like her ever want to get involved with ME? How could I ever actually be involved in a relationship with another person when other people drive me crazy most of the time? And how can I really be involved with someone when I'm terrified that she'll run away screaming unless I hide my aspieness.

FML.

OK, I may be the worst one to give advice, unless it's in what not to do (from my own experience ) Think of it this way, any successful relationship has to have a strong base of friendship to last pass the romantic period. So it's worth it not to say too much too soon and really get to know her on a friendly basis. If you push it too soon it may freak her out and you will lose that opportunity. Even just as a friend you can share a lot with her and she with you. There are plenty of couples out there that don't have an easy relaxed relationship with each other. They exist in this endless cycle of fight/make up/fight/make up.
I know how that kind of paralyzing loneliness feels. Maybe hooking up with a group that does some kind of physical activity would be good-like a hiking club. I think when you are active you really feel like you've been somewhere and done something. It will help you get out of your head. If you are going from stressful office to stressful family to lonely home you really need an activity to clear your head. Well, that's my input.

You're not alone in how you are feeling... was there awhile myself. For what it is worth, it can be well worth the risk, and you can be surprised. I think the suggestion to explore getting to know her better, even in a friendly fashion, is a good idea - better yet, do it with no agenda (no goals, and no expectations of being a failure), and just see where things go. Easier said than done, I know, but consider it.


M.

GOOD MAN!! !

you are doing the RIGHT thing by not bottling up your feelings. you are expressing your feelings through words and not self harmful actions. talk it out here, talk it out in a real life support group, with your therapist, or friend or family member. it is the HEALTHY way of dealing with problems

and if you ever need to talk feel free to send me a pm man

I have been trying the friendship thing actually but what has been driving me crazy is I simply have no way of judging my progress and thus I have no idea if I'm actually making progress, standing still or even backtracking. I need solid unambiguous notifications of such things or I just sit here and over analyze every little detail until I panic.

About the activity thing...I wish I could. There are so many things I want to do, but I don't like doing stuff alone especially if it's something completely foreign for which I have no prior experience (and thus, no script.) But I don't really have any friends to take with me to anything, so I never go anywhere. I'd love to even just go see a movie...I only get to see them once or twice a year these days.

The other bad thing is that all the overload lately has completely shut down my creativity. I have barely been able to do any programming in several weeks now, which is bad because it's my job. The creativity, the hyperfocus, it's all gone. It's all just tension and anxiety lately.

I have no trouble going to a movie alone (screw 'em if they think it's odd) and just being out among people can help. As far as activities, I have gotten past any embarrassment about admitting I don't know what I'm doing. Chances are there are other newcomers who would love to have a newbie ally and the old hands love to show what they know. Lots of people go into a coffee shop with a book and just hang by themselves. After a while the employees and other regulars will start chatting. Most of my comfortable social relationships come from sustained proximity. As far as your friend, as much as I or anyone else can give good advice about not obsessing, the truth is I am an obsessive and it's what I would do. Just try not to let her know the degree of the obsession. As far as judging progress, you're not supposed to care about that right now. (I know).

Oh believe me I know from past experience that I need to hide the obsession. Sadly bottling it all up though is a large part of what is driving me crazy.

I used to go to the movies (and lots of other places) alone, but after a while it just started making me feel even more lonely, especially once the movie was over (I tend to have an emotional crash at the end of books and movies.)

I just wish I could get some work done. Not having any tangible work product for weeks on end is definitely not helping my stress level.

Well, I feel 'ya, as they say. Sometimes going to see a romantic comedy when you're depressed just makes you feel more deprived afterwards. I don't have much need for a social life right now. I don't feel lonely now because I have my 11 yr old son but I know he will naturally start to pull away more as he gets older. Actually, WP is the only place in my life I have regular conversations with adults outside of work.

My brain feels like it's going to explode. I badly need some way to ground and recenter but there are no suitable quiet dark spots at work, sigh.

I think it's time to crawl back into my shell. I'm not cut out for this.

It's nice to hear from you man, again! I get these dark spells every once in a while too and then my brain feels like it is going to explode. I love to crawl into my shell - many aspies recharge by being alone There is no shame in my game, I do what I need to get back on my feet. Maybe you can try to befriend some people on WP?

It's very difficult for me to make real friends. I have a very high trust threshold that is very difficult for people to cross, though once they cross it then I trust them to the point that I often get used.

keep online, stick around here :]

i got 3 friends left, i nearly lost 1/3 from sheer and blatant neglect, people here adviced me to confront the situation, and i still have 3/3 friends.

coming here helps more than not at all :]

At least until I scare them away. I'm probably too depressing.

what if you take a different... take on it, like... use online aquaintances to keep your spirits up. spill yourself, but then check what others are dealing with, hand some good mood out, get some in return, its better than nothing :]

I do that sometimes, but then I usually feel bad because I can't really help them. My empathy is really cranked up. I had to stop helping people so much because I was taking all that emotion into myself and since it has nowhere to go from there it would just build up until I blew up and the cycle started again.

Have you ever felt this way/ been on the verge of shut-down before? This happens to me often. IT WILL PASS, IT REALLY WILL. It sucks that the creativity and hyper-focus is lost during these times. The loss of that passionate obsession is so hard to bear.....I find that the most frustrating. But , alas, it shall return in time.

I was on the verge of a shutdown recently....this really wise aspie prof that i was talking to said that depression is a "failure of the imagination". You can't imagine life being good again, you can't see the way out. hEnce the feelings of hopelessness.

Someone on this site told me that if all else fails I may just need to let myself shut-down, withdraw and do nothing for awhile. I think that is good advice.

Good luck and keep posting......that seems to mitigate feeling of lonlieness for me anyways.