My Mom just died.

Post Reply New Topic

My Mom just died last week. My friends and people at my church keep asking me how I'm doing, and promise to be there if I need emotional support. The truth is though, I feel nothing - very different from the sense of loss I had felt when my Dad had passed away.
I did love my Mom. She had had more than one brush with death in the past few years, during which I had lived in fear of losing her, and prayed for her safety. But she was also very hard to get along with, causing my wife and I a great deal of emotional turmoil, despite the fact that everyone else had described her as gregarious and fun loving (which she admittedly could be).
Now that she's gone, I feel that I can let the past go, and stop being angry at her. But I'm just not sad. I only felt a brief period of solemnity when we interned her ashes yesterday, but that's the extent of it. The only other person I've admitted this to, other than this forum, is my wife, who has had first hand experience with how hard life with my Mom could be. My wife is very sympathetic, but I'm afraid to let anyone else know how I'm not going through anything.

-Bill, otherwise known as Kraichgauer

Sorry to hear that.may her soul rest in peace.

Thank you.

-Bill, otherwise known as Kraichgauer

Sorry to hear about that.

As to the whole 'no feelings' thing, I personally do not feel anything when people I know die, no one close to me has died (then again, I do not really feel close to anybody). When my grandfather and my extremely annoying neighbour (who we suspect had serious Asperger's, but his parents refused to have him checked) died I could not bring up an ounce of sadness within me. I do not feel like I would care much if my parents or brother died, to be honest. The only person whose death I would be upset about (I think) is the girl I have a crush on. I assume this is more or less the same with you.

I have heard that some aspies say that they feel emotionally detached from the rest of the world, maybe it has something to do with this.

As to the difference in feelings between the death of your father and your mother, how did you feel towards your father? Was he as difficult to live with as your mother?

I really only became close to my Dad in my teenage years - when every other guy my age couldn't stand their dads. I think my Dad found it easier to understand a child who was older and more likely to communicate with him on an adult level. I'm pretty certain my dad was an Aspie, too, though undiagnosed. He and I always enjoyed having endless intellectual discussions together, and honestly enjoyed each others company. While it is true that my Dad often had troubles expressing himself beyond outbursts of rage, he and I shared much more in common than I ever did with my Mom, and I very much mourned for him starting from the day he had been diagnosed as terminally ill.
Regardless, I feel as if I should be feeling something for my mother's passing, but I'm really not. Doubtlessly, this has everything to do with my Asperger's. But that doesn't mean other people would give me a pass if they knew the truth.

-Bill, otherwise known as Kraichgauer

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

Thank you.

-Bill, otherwise known as Kraichgauer

Yeah, if my parents die, I probably won't feel anything either. I didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral, or when two people in my senior class of high school died (apparently you are expected to grieve, right there in the middle of class) Sometimes I wish I could cry just to fit in with others in moments like that.

Sorry for your loss.

Unless they ask, there is no need to say anything. Some of the people at my mother's funeral (two years ago this week) seemed troubled by my not being all teary-eyed or whatever, but that is/was their deal, not mine. I still grieve a bit over the pain my mother suffered in life, but her death brought relief for anyone needing it ... and that is about the end of all that.

Bill, I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't think it's terrible for you not to be sad. You're not sad right now. You may or may not be sad in the future. Your grief is your own business, even if your external reaction may look funny to other people.

As you mentioned, at times your relationship was strained, and that's always going to color how you feel about someone, regardless of how close you are. Additionally, you say that she had several brushes with death in the recent past, so it could be you've already processed some of your "how will I feel when she dies?" feelings then.

My dad died after a horrific battle with cancer. His was the kind of cancer that basically means an eventual death sentence, so I knew as soon as I heard the diagnosis that we were going to lose him at some point. The last week of his life was so, so awful, and to watch him lose parts of himself (mentally, I mean) each hour was excruciating and yet numbing at the same time. So, by the time it was done I was wrung out. I have always accepted that death is a natural part of life, and since he was so sick it was actually good that he finally died. I miss him, but I can't say I was "sad" or "grieved" in a conventional sense. Some people just aren't capable of that. And I think that's fine.

My prayers? My condolences? They're yours, no need to ask.

I sometimes wonder how much more time my own mother (aged 78) has left in this world.... *sigh*

I am so sorry of your loss. We are here no matter what you may be feeling.

If you buy into the stages of grief (which I don't completely), someone might say you're in shock combined with occasional anger. Despite what society might believe you should feel, I find neither to be unusual. At some point, your feelings may change. Or, you might have moved directly to acceptance.

I wonder if you feel a bit ashamed that you aren't feeling what other expect you to be feeling?

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it's harder when a loved one dies just before the holidays. My grandfather died 2 years ago and at his funeral I was crying. I'm the only child and live at home. I know I will be very sad when my parents are no longer here.

You feel or don't feel whatever you feel or don't feel. After a death is no time to be stern with one's feelings or expectations. After a death, I seldom feel sad. What I feel is forgetful and unable to cope with small stressors.
Be gentle on yourself and on others who have other ways of grieving and who are temporarily stupid.
I'm sorry for your loss so close to an emotional holiday.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. The way you grieve is personal, and not for others to judge.

~Kate

Thanks.

-Bill, otherwise known as Kraichgauer