Another mean friend

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What my friend says because I forgot to do something for her. Even though she knows I forget things all the time and if she randomly tells me something to do it's very likely I'll forget. What I don't get is she knows how I am yet expects things of me that she just should not. I barely apologize for something because even if I'm sorry for part of what happened what do people find sorry? Is it the cause or effects and since I don't know I just explain what happened.

I explained to her that she knows this was likely to happen so it makes no sense getting so upset at me because she should be prepared for the usual. Yet this is what she says.

I get she can be upset for me not saying sorry but to say the things in red is just ridiculous.

Now when I say I'm sorry for forgetting and she should be sorry for what she said, she just signs off, when I send her a message, she says "too long didn't read".

Okay, she is way out of line. She might be using you as a punching bag to take out all her frustrations about everything else in the world and the way everyone else treats her. This, instead of accepting you for as you are, 'strengths' and 'weaknesses' and all. (and, as we all know, depending on the situation, a 'strength' can be a 'weakness' and vice versa! )

I know for me, the fact that I have patchy social skills, that can throw people off. People might acknowledge that verbally, but I wonder if they really get it.

What makes me so upset is that she's not on speaking terms with her mother. So like if she wants something or needs something from her mother, I'm the one who calls her mom and tells her, yet I'm the a**hole jackass pathetic fail human being when I forget a small favor?

People do say things they don't mean when they're angry though.

What makes you think this person is your friend? I don't get that from reading what she wrote.

I've known her for eight years and we usually get along and we have a lot in common, but she tries to manipulate people into doing things, and if you don't do what she wants she'll get all upset for no reason.

That sounds like a manipulative user, not a friend. But what do I know? I have no friends

i think she might be an undiagnosed sociopath. manipulation is a key trait of sociopaths. i would be very wary of maintaining a friendship with her. she might be more toxic and unhelpful to you than you realize at the moment.

She's bipolar.

Well then why would you say she is mean?

Or, or . . . she might be a friend, and just be immature in pretty significant ways. But that is where she is as a human being at this stage of her life.

So, you might need to add skills to your repertoire that you might not otherwise need to add in order to protect yourself. And like any skill has positive transfer to other skills and other situations, so it would not be all a loss.

I would recommend kind of continge it, kind of give yourself a breather. And then by feel, and perhaps by medium steps, see if a continued relationship adds to the quality of your life. Does a relationship with her make the world more open for you or more closed? (one of many questions that can be asked about a relationship)

There's nothing wrong with wanting an apology when someone screws up. Scanner, your friend sounds pissed off because from her perspective you appear to have tried to explain your side of the story away, rather than apologise for letting her down (whatever that was).

Apologies mean different things to different people; to some, it's an admission of guilt, and should only be given when you deliberately act badly, whereas to others it's an acknowledgment of having hurt someone's feelings/let them down regardless of the reason/intent. For the latter, any attempt to explain without an actual apology will look as if you are refusing to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions.

Your friend's reaction is quite extreme, but if this is a regular thing (and from the wording of what she wrote, it doesn't seem a once off situation), then it may have built up into a sore point.

Just a suggestion, but maybe let things cool down a bit, and then ring her up and apologise for whatever it was (if you actually did let her down; what was the upset about?). Let her vent for a bit without counteracting (I know you probably have reasons, but trust me, it's better to leave the explanations till both of you are calmer) and then just say sorry.

Hate to say this, but you do sound pompous here. If you led her to believe that this time you would remember, then it is not her fault that you forgot 'as usual'. If you continue to deflect blame for your own faults back onto the people you hurt, then you will eventually lose them. I'm not trying to be mean here.

Last edited by Lene on 21 Jan 2011, 2:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I did. What she wanted me to do really was a very little favor, really nothing to fuss over in the first place.

I generally only apologize when I have deliberately done something bad. I usually don't apologize to her for my memory because she knows it's horrible and she knows my mind is so busy that if I'm to remember little things she tells me it needs to be drilled. She's done it before when she's really wanted me to remember something, and I do.

I did take the guilt. I said I forgot and that I didn't mean to forget but I was doing something at the same time and I forgot about it. I get up and go places in my house, and then forget for a few moments why I even went there. She knows this so I felt her reaction to something she knows happens often was just ridiculous.

On that same day she wanted me to do that small favor. I called her mother to tell her everything she needed from the super market, what she needed from some restaurant. The day before I called a place for her to have them stop delivery. Yet when I forgot this one very insignificant thing that has to do with a video game, I was just like wth and went on explaining.

She is quite mean in general, she's always going off about how when I do something it's stupid and I'm not like a normal person and that i'm pathetic and that I have no friends because i'm just a bad human. It's not like an episode, she's like this often.



I didn't lead her to believe anything. She said, after telling me like four things prior "also get on my account and use that stuff!" I said "um." and she hung up.

Last edited by Scanner on 21 Jan 2011, 2:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

To you. She obviously felt differently. One thing many of us Aspies need to learn in order to get along in the world is that your personal emotions do not rule the day. If she is upset, she has every right to her feelings (the bipolar aside) even if you don't think she does. This, more than anything else, is the key to relationships with other people.

Maybe it meant little to you, but clearly she was upset over it. I may have been the last straw in a long line of 'little favours' that you let her down over.


Maybe you should apologise for your memory? Ok, she knows its horrible and she knows all that, but why should the onus be on her all the time to remember your personality quirks and to overcome them? That's your job. Maybe you should remember about your memory problems and not agree to these favours if you know in advance that you probably won't do them?

I completely understand why you forgot- there's nothing wrong about your excuse, but from her perspective, you still owe her an apology and you probably still deserve to be given out to for letting her down.



Yeah, not the most mature attitude to have; she shouldn't have said all those things, they were mean, but if she's like that often, is there a chance that you are letting her down just as often?

edit: ok, read your previous edit- if she just stated something and hung up before you even agreed to it, then that's a bit unfair on her part. You can't just expect someone to do your bidding- what if you'd been busy?

Last edited by Lene on 21 Jan 2011, 2:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.