Am I a psychopath?

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I hate my family. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. Before I say anymore, spare me the agony of reading comments such as: "I though the same thing when I was your age" or "Count your blessings. Without your parents you wouldn't even be here." What? Really? If my parents hadn't had intercourse after drinking a dangerous amount of alcohol I wouldn't have even been born?! True, but at least then I wouldn't have had to put up with being referred to in an almost sentimental tone as "the little drunken mistake" for 13 years of my existence. I have a mother who is so obsessed with christianity that she stripped me naked and tied me to a shabby wooden cross during a thunderstorm when I denied the existence of god, a father who is so drunk most of the time that he struggles to remember my name and punches me in the stomach for no fathomable reason every single day, an NT sister who fakes asperger's to get whatever she wants and another NT sister who slaps me and regularly gives me cigarette burns. I am so sick and tired of these repulsive individuals and the fact that I'll have to tolerate 3 more years in their presence. These people have made my life... no, existence hell since the day I was born. Thank goodness I have Max - my friend and the only person I have ever truly loved. He is the only thing I have to live for. I plan on eloping and moving in with him the day I hit 16. I used to hang out with him every day, but mother forbids me because he is an atheist. The only time I see him now is at school and today, mother told me she was trying to find me another school to keep me away from "demons" such as him. I've been curled up and crying uncontrollably on my bedroom floor for the past hour. The reason I ask if am a psychopath is that I have been having recurring dreams about slitting their throats one by one and what's more disturbing is that they make me happy. So happy. I've even been told that I laugh in my sleep. Max says it's perfectly natural but I'm not so sure. I have just been soooooo depressed lately and I really need some help here.

Last edited by Luther64 on 22 Jul 2012, 5:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

dreaming of getting revenge on abusers doesn't make you a psychopath. couldn't you ask to be placed in a foster home? sounds like it would be hard for things to be worse. hang in there.

Thanks for replying so soon. I have though about being in a foster home but London is a big place and I need to be as close to Max as possible. He is my reason and my life. Being in a foster home could mean moving to the other side of the city or even out of London all together. He has a diagnosis of high functioning autism, he is also bi and depressed - just like me. He is the only person who really understands me. The only times I've ever been happy have been when we were together. He is bullied a lot at school and has always kind of relied on me to protect him. I've calmed down a little since writing the original comment. Max is also very depressed and he has told me that if we were separated any more than we already are, he would commit suicide (he has attempted in the past). I've decided why wait until we are 16?! Sure it's illegal but bloody hell, it'd be worth it. I'm going. Tomorrow night I'm going and noone can stop me.

P.S cathylynn, if this all goes horribly wrong don't ever think that you put the idea in my head. It just came to me while I was replying to you.

This comment was removed because it made me seem like a complete and utter idiot.

Last edited by Luther64 on 22 Jul 2012, 5:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you were a psycho, your family would've been dead by this point.
By the way, try to imagine what it's like to kill your family. Imagine what it'd feel like. I'd personally say that that's a real option, but the consequences would be immense(jail and such) so it's probably a bad idea to do so. Try to contact child protection services etc. and get help from them. Running away won't fix your problems.

You aren't a psychopath. You have too much of a conscience for that. Psychopaths have nothing to live for. You have Max.

No, you're not a psychopath. Maybe people in your family are. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this, you must be facing such a huge pain. It also must be hard for Max too. It's a wonderful thing that you have and love each other. Hold on to this love.

Please do take care, if you decide to run away, because your families will surely look for you and Max. If they find you, chances are they will separate the two of you even more. What are your plans for these next three years? How will you secure a living? Where will you stay? What will the two of you eat? Do not reply in writing to these questions on a public forum, but do think about them thoroughly before deciding to run away. Is it really the best option for you guys? Don't get me wrong, I'm just worried that you might make things worse if you run away and then get caught...

If you're in a family where your sister gets away with burning you with cigarettes....
Lemme just suggest that the sister is more likely the psychopath, and you're uncomfortably sane.
In fact, I think that activity alone, if repeated, should qualify her for the rooftop sniper award.

Meanwhile, your parents are delinquent.
That having been said, don't kill any of them. It'll $@#$% up your life.

PS: Do you have any local family who might adopt you if you were to bring these abuses up to a psychologist?

I can guarantee any medical psychologist worth their degree would remove you from your family if you told them what you've told us. And fast. Probably remove your siblings too (so you might get stuck with them again at Auntie Rescue's - another problem you'd have to prepare for (or prepare against))?> Or might Max's family adopt you? Is there anything like that which you can do?

Call the police and have your father arrested for assault. It's not legal or productive to punch your son in the stomach.

Neah I don't think you are one. I think those dreams is your mind's way of releasing your anger. I used to have violent dreams too about one of our dogs because he caused me tremendous anxiety and my family didn't give a s**t and I felt better when my mother told me she didn't like the dog much either. I also had fantasies about abusing the animal and I would laugh and feel better and would tell stories called The Abusing Adventures of Squeaky. I think thoughts are fine just as long as you don't act on them, same with fantasies. Even my shrink was okay with that and he liked my story about it. Your thoughts are safe in your head and harmless just as long as you don't act on them. Even writing about it is harmless but I know if anyone found the story, they would freak out and send you to the shrink acting like it's all real. But the point in writing is to let it all out and express your anger and your feelings. That is what dreams do too. Your brain's way of letting it all out. Was I a psychopath? I have thought I may have the tenancies and just as long as I don't act out on them, I am okay and safe and good.

Ever read The Teenager's Journey? It was written by Dave Pelzer's brother Richard Pelzer aka Russell. He fantasized about shooting her at night in her sleep because she severely abused him emotionally and psychologically. She didn't do the same things she did to David but the abuse was still bad and severe. I don't remember if they actually had a gun and he actually held it to her head one time and then chickened out. It was good he did or else he would have gotten arrested and go to Juvenal hall for it and possibly prison in the future.

You aren't a psychopath. These feelings are understandable given your situation. I would definitely call childline. They will probably get the police involved. If you are removed from their custody, be sure to specify to whoever is in charge that you would like regular contact with Max. Call childline - you won't regret it.

So sorry to hear about your really, REALLY awful family.

Good luck with the stuff suggested here... you need to get out of that house BUT you also need to go to a place that'll be safe! Running from one bad situation to another one isn't going to help.

The streets are likely worse than your home.

BTW - your mother is a terrible example of Christianity... please don't think we all believe as she does.

I'm sorry if I scared any of you. I shouldn't have suggested running away because
* I completely disregarded Max's feelings
* I hadn't though it through properly
* I had nowhere to go

I guess I just became so obsessed with the idea of running away with Max and living the ideal life somewhere in the countryside.

Thank you for all the advice. I'll call childline tonnight and see how it goes.

I know most Christians aren't like that. Whenever she doesn't like what I'm doing, she uses the excuse "it's in the bible" and if I ask her specifically where it is in the bible, I'm grounded for 4 months. You know, she even claims there is a passage in the bible that states- "thou shall not use the internet"!? I've been posting on this site with the crappy internet browser on my phone. And no they did not buy me the phone. Max did a few weeks ago and I've been hiding it from them ever since!

I'm really glad that you didn't run away. I was worried for you. Good luck with calling childline and do let us know how it goes.

Hello again. I was a little nervous but I called Childline and told them everything I've said on here and more. They were really nice and they said they would inform the police immediately. So, I think I'll probably be out of this shit-hole by tomorrow night. Thank you all so much for your support and for tolerating my incessant complaining for so long! I'm so happy that this ordeal may finally be over. I did explain to them how important Max was to me and I will definitely bring it up with whoever is in charge of rehousing me. I've just realized how ridiculous it is that I've even had to post this here at all. I guess I'm just so used to this continual stream of abuse that I don't consider it abnormal. As I've already said, thank you for your help and I'll let you know what happens to me when I can. Probably on a more appropriately titled thread.

Sweet Pea hugs